The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed

Home Thoughts for Everyday Life Back Next

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!" Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape." The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you." To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute." "What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him. "The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids." The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign, "Queers & Rears." The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople. So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign, "Odds & Ends."

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?""Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man."Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company." "That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?" "I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "*Yours* is."

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves. Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?" The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon." At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper. In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?" "Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth." "Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"

This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas." "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says, "No, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."

A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, and dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume. Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor. "What the hell happened?" asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event. "I'm not really sure." the man replied, rubbing his red cheek. "When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it."

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a bet. "Let's say we bet $50." Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They do a great game. After the 8th hold, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. Look over there," he said to Jon. After a few minutes, neither have any luck and a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!!!" he announces. Jon looks at him. "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together, you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?" "What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!" "And you're a liar, too!" Jon said. "I have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free. On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers. So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?" Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be half blind."The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered."Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?" "My hat would fall down over my eyes."

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held." "Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died". "It did" he replied; "today is the viewing"

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said. "I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.""You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" "Yes,” was his reply.  She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse called."

Shit Happens...The Plan

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the assumptions. And the assumptions were without form. And the plan was completely without substance. And the darkness was upon the face of the workers and they spoke..among themselves saying "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."

And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth: "it is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor Thereof."

And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a excrement and it is very strong such as none can abide it."

And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength."

And the directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another: “It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."

And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the vice presidents went to the president and sayeth, "This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company and certain areas in particular."

And the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good. And the plan became policy. And this is how......................shit happens.

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.  He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby.  I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked!  She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.  At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do.  How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock...."

A sixty year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in the bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.

“What are you doing ?” asked the mother.

“Mom, I’m 40 years old, and look at me. I’m ugly. I’ll never get married so this is pretty much my husband.” The mother walked out of the room shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom. Upon entering the room, he found his daughter using the vibrator.

“What the hell are you doing ?” he asked.

His daughter replied, “I already told mom. I’m 40 years old now and I’m ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.”

The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home and found her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other watching the football game on TV.

“What on earth are you doing ?” she cried.

The husband replied, “What does it look like I’m doing ? I’m having a beer and watching the football game with my son-in-law !! “

An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying....... "Ehhhh... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces....."Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or Look up. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying ......."Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song,...... 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".

Mrs. Watson was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."When Mrs. Lee returned, she shocked the doctor by losingnearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said,"Did you follow my instructions?" Mrs. Watson nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ..."Get this" ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.he man sued... .. AND WON In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." BUT WHAT COMES AROUND...

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... On 24 counts of arson!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars. He was sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms!!

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair.  After a few moments, the young man said, “What’s the matter, old man, haven’t you ever done anything wild ?”

The old man smiled and said, “Well, yes, I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son.”

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Beware Of The Following Viruses:

Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus.................Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan virus..........Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Oprah Winfrey virus....Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T virus...................Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus................... Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus..Terminates and stays resident.  It'll be back.

Viagra virus.................Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive.

There was a German, Swedish and a Polish guy stranded on a Island. They find a genie bottle in the water, they rub it and a genie pops out. The genie says since there is three of you, each one gets one wish, so he starts with the German guy and asks him what he wishes, he says, "I miss my wife and family very much so I would like to be back home." Poof, the German guy is gone. Then the genie asked the Swedish guy what his wish will be and he says, "I also miss my wife and family very much I would like to go home too. Poof, the Swedish guy is gone. Then the genie asked the Polish guy what his wish will be and he says, "You know I miss the other two guys very much I wish they would come back. Poof the German and Swedish guys came back.

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location".

Weather Predictions:

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

A new department store announced that it was going to give out free TVs to the first 100 people who came to the store on its Grand Opening Day. The store was scheduled to open at 9:00 am, but people were already camped out in front of the store by 6:00 am, determined to receive their free TV. When it was almost 9:00 am, a little old man walked up to the front of the line, and casually stepped in front of the first man in line, a big, burly man who had been there since 6:00 am. The big guy wasn't about to let this old guy cut in front of him, so he pushed the old man out of his way with all of his might! The little old man got up, dusted himself off, and walked in front of the big burly man a second time. Once again, he was pushed away by the big man, yet he got up, dusted himself off again, and stepped between the big, burly man and the door a third time! This kept happening until finally, a policeman heard the noise and rushed over to hear what the fight was about."Well," said the big burly man, "I was here at the front of the line since early this morning, and this old man had the nerve to just push in front of me to the head of the line!" When asked to tell his side of the story, the little old man replied, "What that man said is correct. I did push in front of him several times, and if he keeps shoving me away, I'm not going to open the store!"

Son: When I was on the bus with daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mum: Well you did the right thing.

Son: But, mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got in her divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish, I'd like to give birth to twins."

There were 4 Indians. They decided to start a business. They had a lot of discussion on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best location best chefs and built the hotel. The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer. The Indians waited and waited but nobody turned up. A week passed and yet noboby turned up. WHY ? - Because there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed." After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and manpower. The 4 Indians waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for 1 day, 2 days, a week but no car came to their garage. WHY ? - Because their garage wasn't on the first floor. After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a new London Cab and began to look for passengers. They drove past Orchard Road but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Changi Airport yet nobody hailed their taxi. They even drove to Serangoon Road, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Singapore but alas no one hailed their taxi. WHY ? - Because all the four Indians were sitting in the taxi. All the 4 Indians were very disappointed with their fate and decided to push their taxi into the sea. They started pushing their taxi. They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for a while and started to push again. The taxi just wouldnt move. WHY ? - Because 2 Indians were pushing from the front and two from behind.

A newly wedded man asked his wife: "Would you had married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" " Honey ," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd married you regardless who left you the fortune."

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother-in-law sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother-in-law how his wife was and his brother-in-law replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and both you and my sister were unconscious so I named them for you." The husband nervously asked, "Well what did you name them?" The brother-in-law replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" The brother-in-law replied, "Denephew."

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office."What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look...I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only...Smith, Jones, Baker...that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

Men are like.....Coffee ( !!! )

The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Blenders.

You need one, but not every day.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.

Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like.....Commercials.

You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Computers

Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like.....Coolers.

Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like.....Copiers.

You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Government bonds.

They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Horoscopes.

They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.

If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.

Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.

If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Parking spots.

The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

Men are like.....Popcorn.

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Place mats.

They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.

You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.

Men are like.....Used Cars.

Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

Men are like.....Vacations.

They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like.....Weather.

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Men are like.....Bank Machines.

Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like......Bananas.

The older they get, the less firm they are.

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