Third time's a charm...

"Oh, is that Marilyn Monroe?" --Kevin
(on the Mary Tyler Moore statue in Minneapolis)

"Tiny feet, lose your seat!" -- Kevin (to Toni)

"They have [condom dispensers] in female restrooms, too." --Toni
"So how do you wear them?" --Michael

"Cancer is the new bisexual!" --Danny

"The curriculum at Lakeland is like lettuce; it fills you up, but in the end leaves you empty inside." --Michael

"They should've named it a honky!" --Sarah
(General Science 12 -- a better name for the mule)

"You're my shield from social anxiety!" --Danny (to Toni)

"They're not tan enough to be from Rhode Island!" --Danny
(on a band at the Drum & Bugle Corps competition, Aug. 31)

"That is one gay cat!" -- White Mike, on Nermal

"Why don't they have a Hooters for guys? What would they call that?"
"Weiners!" --Ms. G and Miss Koz

"Can I have a cookie? No, wait -- a parade!!" --Danny being rewarded

o/` If you had some sex/
and I stuck it in your area of pleasure/
Would you gag? o/` --Danny's version of J. Lo's "If You Had My Love"

"Do you think about bunnies sexually? 'Cause I do..." --Danny

"You're like Polly Pocket, 'cause you can fit in my pants!" --Kevin (to Toni)

"France is speaken in 40 different countries..." --Kevin

"If you take out your 'Kevin,' you're 'Evin'!" -- Toni
(reading Kev New's class ring)

"Myrrh!!" -- 3rd period AP English

"The windows were all fogged up, and Steph rear-ended me!" --Sarah S.

"We're all a number now." -- Yagelski
(asking for social security numbers)
"What is this, a concentration camp?" -- Kim

"What's the matter, Becca? West Nile Virus?" --D�

A Joke from Sarah S.
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
**What's up, bud?**

"HOLLA!" -- 3rd period AP English

"Am I going too fast for you, Sarah?" --D�
"Oh, I thought you meant, like, dating..." --Steph
(on double meanings...)

" 'I may be 85, but I hold my own.' Own WHAT?" --D�
(on Steph's interview)
"Bladder, on occasion..." --Michael

'SaRaH SeZ' for 20 Sept 2002:
"Boy Scouts is a bunch of little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a little kid." --Katie B.

"I got kicked by a skinhead once!" --Steph D.

27 Sept 2002 SaRaH SeZ (between her and her mom):
"Is that a shoe?"
"God bless you!"

"You haven't seen anything until you've seen a scrotum in a jar!" --Steph D.
(later...)
"How did you GET this job?!" --Kim
"Well, it's a family business..." --Steph

"No, everyone shut up and go home!" --Becca

"New from the Literary Bakery: Ezra Pound Cake!" --Michael

"I lik coleg." --D�
(inventing an opening for Kim's college essay)

"I don't feel good -- thank God!" --Ronni

"PIGS! SOWS! It's ten o'clock in the morning, and you're all sitting here eating hoagies!" --D�
"That's because you already ate yours." --Lexi
(quietly) "Yeah." --D�

"Her mom is one big hyperbole. She exaggerates everything..." --Becca
"EVERYTHING?" --D�
(on someone's mama)

"They're Medusa donuts!" --D�

"If there were a death lottery, I'd volunteer." --Mrs. Doud

"Titillated means Something Grabs You." --Katie

"Marilyn Manson and Kid Rock would make the perfect couple." --Becca

"But he's smart?" --D�
"Yeah, but he's not no genius..." --Shayka
(on his roommate at college)

"Just like old times Kim, right? One more hug?" --Shayka
"One more restraining order?" --Kim

"So the dirt won't make you dirty if you're already dirty?" --Kate P.

"Fetus to Feed Us -- From the Makers of Soylent Green
'If it's good enough for Swift, it's good enough for you!'" --Michael

"Let's play 'Cell Phone' and just shout across the room!" --Michael
(during a game of Telephone in AP English 15 Oct 2002)

"You fail life -- drop out!" --Kevin (to Toni)

"I have to interview Todd and Lucas. Wanna help me?" --Toni
"What am I gonna do, hold your jockstrap?" --Kevin

"Ravish means 'to rape.' What else does it mean?" --D�
"Fruit!" --Sarah

"Well, I've read your essays..." --D�
"And we've sharpened our razor blades..." --Michael
(on the first Blood Day of the year)

"I like golfing; Kim likes chasing cars." --D�
(yet another lesson on comma splices)

"How'd you do?" -- Toni (to Kim)
"I don't know, but the blood pen threw up all over my paper!" --Kim

22 Oct 2002 SaRaH SeZ:
"Mom, where's this Skankcity, New York?" --Sarah
"Sarah, do you mean Schenectady?"

"What does the 'K' in K-Mart stand for?" --Steph
(completely serious) "Quality." --Carrie

"I'm going to fail this year just so I can be Homecoming Queen next year." --Steph

"In a few years it's going to be Tommy Hose-figer!" --Nate Hosie

"Do you want to employ this stuff so you can go on a huge embarkment of journey?" --Rich G.
(a junior attempting to put too many big words to use at once)

Halloween: Kim's a Ditch.

"I remember the day when VH1 played your father's music and MTV played your music. Now it's hard to tell them apart because neither of them play any music." --Fran

"The computers in this school are as slow as Christopher Reeves at the bottom of a flight of steps." --Michael

"Stop it, you Brazilian import!" --Ivan to Tay (exchange student)

(Kevin singing) o/` "I heart Toni, she's a whore..." o/`
"...And she hearts you even more!" --Laura D.

"Danny, take that ring off (the Gatorade bottle) and stick it in your vagina." --Michael
(during a conversation about female contraceptives)

"And we can use the coffee." --Kevin
"What, as the sacrificial wine?" --Toni
(discussing wedding details... sort of.)

"Asexual, gender neutral." --Kevin
"That's like the football playoffs, but not!" --Toni
"WHAT?!" --Kevin
"You know... neutral gender, neutral field!" --Toni

"I guess I'm traditional... I go into the Fiction section." --Carrie
(when asked about her reading tastes)

"There's only one right clock in the whole world??" --Lauren
"Yeah, the Prevue Channel!" --Katie L.
(on the Atomic Clock)

"Danny needs decaf." --Carrie
"He needs to go to detox." --Michael
"I'm not fat!" --Danny
(WAYYYY too much Starbucks)

"It's nothing but a glorified Jerry Springer! What will they have next? Left-handed lesbians?" --D�

"This is like AP for the Criminally Dumb." --D�
(go 3rd period AP!)

"I have a 5-minute present for you today." --Mrs. Doud
"Indian giver!" --Michael

"We're an equal Make-Fun-Of-You employer here." --Mrs. Doud

"They don't have Thanksgiving, right? 'Cause there's nothing to be thankful for!" --Katie
(on Steph's holiday trip to England)

"CHIEF LEE LIVES!" --3rd period AP
"Cousin to Sarah Lee. I date him, and I get all the free cake I want, so just go ahead and be jealous." --Kim

"Well, I think his penis looks misshapen." --Danny
"What is it, cock-eyed?" --Michael
(rim shot...)

"This is going to be our own secret little joke -- except I don't have fingernails." --D� to Lexi

(to the tune of It's Raining Men)
o/` "It's raining women! Hallelujah, it's raining Toni...
She's got long hair, and nails, and shooooooes..." o/` --Danny
"Jesus Christ -- I'M a woman!" --Michael

"Charlie, shut up or I will dump this [water] on your head!" --Mrs. Doud
"BRING IT!!!" -- Charlie

"Ready? Spring is nice..." -- Burkie
(analyzing the poem "Heaven Haven")

"Watch the language! This isn't Rolling Stone..." --Becca (in journalism)

(Michael walks in late)
"What is Kevin magically producing?" --Michael
"A dollar." --Toni
"Ovaries." --Danny
"A baby in five months!" --Carrie

"It looked like two lesbians at a bat mitzvah!" --Danny
(on Kevin feeding Toni candy)

"Can I have Leo? 'Cause I'm on the cusp." --Steph, getting her horoscope

"I'm sure it'll be a multiple-choice obituary." --Michael
(b/c not even death could prevent Mrs. Doud from giving a midterm)

"Gimme an L-O-V-E! What's that spell? Sex with me!" --Danny, clapping and cheering

"100 multiple choice in 45 minutes? No problem! They're all 'A'!" -- D�
(on midterms)

"Wait -- Toni! On our Spanish tests, all our oral true/false sections were false?" -- Michael
"That's true!" --Toni

(answering a question)
"What is 'ad infinitum'? On to infinity... [waves a hand] which is somewhere near Childs." --D�

"This is a traditional French form, not used often in English. Why?" --D�
"Because it's French!" --Burkie
(on villanelles, I believe)

"NSync and Britney did the halftime show for the Super Bowl last year." -- Burkie
"No, U2 did!" --Fran
"I thought they did the halftime show for the World Series!" --Steph
"Since when does baseball have a halftime?" --Fran

6 Jan 2003: Michael's Hokey Joke
Why doesn't paper move?
--Because it's stationery!

"At our ten-year reunion, Kim is going to have her hair touseled in a side ponytail, stretch pants, and is going to be pregnant for the eighth time." --Steph's predictions

o/` Mairzy doats and doazy doats
I hope you fall and die... o/`
-- Toni serenades Kevin

"People in Old Forge wear a lot of gold." --Sarah
"'Cause they own all that pizza!" -- Becca

"What are you doing?" --Jenny (to AP 3)
"Kevin." --Toni
(it was HIS essay day, damnit...)

"I lost seven pounds on the Disease Diet!" --Steph, on the flu

"I want mono SO bad!" --Becca
"I think we can get it on eBay." --D�
(yes, more weight loss techniques)

"I was thinking what you were thinking!" --Carrie, to Burkie
"Me too!" --Burkie

"This is a serious problem!" --Marino

"What happens if I ask you an answer?" --D�

"Ah yes -- good boys should always listen to their mother. Unless she is a manipulating psychopath." --Carrie's essay

"Kevin, I'm gonna bite your toes." --Toni
"You're like, Muhammad Ali!" --Kevin

"My dad would get mad at me, 'cause he gets mad when I write on my hands, especially if it's the sign of the Devil!" --Becca
(as she draws a pentagram on her hand)

"I must admit, I was seduced by the first poem..." --Toni
(on the poem When I Have Fears That I May Cease to Be)

"...who can ejaculate the farthest." --Danny
"That was my senior project!" --Jen Ham
(on new Olympic events)

"We have the best sex in the world! Wait, no, that's India... they have the Kama Sutra." --Danny
(arguing over American ethnocentrisms)

"It's so creative... too bad it's porn." --Spuddy
(on funny titles of porn movies)

"Tomorrow would be a good day to not exist." --Britt

13 Feb 2003 -- on the blackboard
Happy OValentine's Day!!
"See? Chocolate fixes everything." --Kim

"Toni's my little unborn fetus." --Kevin
(damned hooded sweater of mine)

"I always forget the difference between sobriety and celibacy." --Kevin

"I have to take estrogen-replacement pills." --Kevin