I *love* collecting quotes. :) I started at the beginning of the 2000 school year. People would say stupid or funny things, and I would write them down on the covers of my friend's books. After a while I ran out of space, and came across a small book my cousin made for me. I never DID find a use for it, and so I decided that this would be the perfect place to store them all. So, 18 months and fifty-plus pages later, here are the insane things people have said that have made me jump for any paper and pen available to jot them down.
***Page Two*** -- New!!!
Disclaimer: The following quotes were mainly said by other people, and not by me. Some of the subject matter may be considered offensive to some people, so read these at your own risk. I don't necessarily agree with and/or support the things said here, but I jotted them down because they were pretty funny at the time. So, deal with it.
"Drawing and writing are different ways of doing the same thing." --Michael
"If you didn't know I was crazy, you'd assume it." --Michael
Imagine... whirled peas!
"Isn't that, like, a double positive? 'The most strangest?'" --Maria
"I didn't lose my mind, I just... misplaced it." --Michael
"He was a poor doctor." --Mrs. Doud
"How can doctors be poor?" --Melissa
"It wasn't like they had the AMA." --Doud
"What's that?" --Melissa
"American Music Awards." --Leslie
"Yep, the doctors need the American Music Awards to be rich." --Michael
(on Cervantes' father)
"There weren't really any Spanish-speaking people." --Michael
"Wrong part of town." --Jake
(on Michael's vacation in Cozumel, Mexico)
"Ernest Hemingway stole that when he wrote some of his books..." --Mrs. Doud
"Johnny Tremain!" --Jake
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
"If you can read this, I have time to hit you in the face." --Fran
"To reverse death, turn life inside out." --Michael
"If Mama Cass was Jewish, would she still be alive?" --Michael
"Interrogatives..." --Mrs. Doud
"Bienvenidos!" --Jake
"They're 12! And they're 10 years old..." --Mrs. Doud
"This guy did her wrong, so she started killing other guys." --Mrs. Doud
"That's AWESOME!" --Jaime
"You're dyslexic? So am I! That means you can't understand stuff, right?" --Jake
"How long is the movie?"
"An hour and sixty-five minutes." --Jimmy
"Trout milk!"
"The majority of the test is all essay." --Mrs. Doud
"With all these people living in my head, I don't need the rest of you." --Michael
Michael's Recipe for Bat Juice
1) Place bat in blender.
2) Turn on.
"I'm gonna be the first President!" --Melissa
"It gives hamburger and steak, and it's a FISH?!" --Mrs. Doud to Jake
"Mr. Vidalia - the Onion." --Michael
"Hey, barely anyone's here. Majority rules!"
(Jake's method of obtaining a free period in Spanish)
"We are all equally different." --Fran
"Don't worry... when the Spanish become dyslexic, I get to kill you!" --Michael to Toni
"Anegar!" --Michael
"No, I'm not..." --Fran
"Texas wieners are like, this big." --Trish
"So what does that say about George Dubya?" --Michael
"Underwear models are so prude..." --Michael
"It's an occupation, not a curse." --MRM
"We're such an idiot!" --Kelly
"Is the ground cold? I think it is!" --Michael
(on a certain geometry teacher's absence)
"Do you use nuclear envelopes to mail nuclear letter bombs?" --Toni
"How do you spell my phone number?" --MRM
"They're homosexuals." --MRM
"TOGETHER?!" --Ronni
"Yeah... what do you THINK homosexuals do? Talk on the phone every night?" --MRM
(on Siegfried and Roy)
"We can say that word, can't we? 'Penis'??" --Ike
"Mensky, just press the power button. They're oppressing you!" --Melissa
"How do you know?" --Melissa
"She pulled it out of a hat." --Jake
(on Mrs. Doud's broken arm)
"Florida - the Geriatric State." --Michael
"My dress is topless." --Holly
"God, you're illiterate... No wonder why the Bible's messed up." --Michael
"Me and my washboard chest--err... stomach." --Kev New
"Yeah Kevin, ribs are in this year." --Michael
"I feel like a whore... everybody's staring at my chest." --Michael
(He was wearing a shirt about how to escape from killer bees that day)
"French is a whole different language..." --Sam
"Explain the future in your notebook." --Mrs. Doud
"That might take a lot of pages." --Michael
"Plowing through his ass like a bad case of syphilis!"
(Michael gets a *LITTLE* too involved in his chess game)
"Psoriasis of the liver..." --Michael
"OMG, the birds are taking over!"
"That's okay, that's what we did to the monkeys."
(intelligent observations from the bus)
"Here Fran, you look, there's too many words in here."
(Nick can't find the word 'slickery' in the dictionary)
"At least we can resell the money..." --Krishna
"The German continent..." --Krishna
"This is your mind. Do you know where I am?" --Michael
"I used to think I was crazy... now I know it." --Michael
"Hors d'oeurves? [pause] Like weenies on a stick?" --Mike F.
"I like your butt pad." --Scott W.
"Teach them wisley."
(Seen on an overhead projection at the 2001 FCCLA State Leadership Conference)
"Let's have dinner. You shake, I can bake."
(pick-up line used on Danny at States)
"How did you sleep?"
"Me too!"
(Mrs. T must have misheard that question...)
"How about an unequal comparison?" --Mrs. Doud
"Dogs and cats." --Jason
"3 equals 2." --Jake
"If you take the 'F' out of 'Life,' you get what most people live." --Michael
"'Bonjour, mon ami' he said, exhausting a large percentage of his French vocabulary." --Esteban
"Remember: don't put the knives on the chair. People get mad."
(Michael shares his Do's and Dont's of Tablesetting)
"We can't have class--all the Frenchies aren't here! Wait..." --Michael
(trying to get a free period in Spanish)
"What about a happy Easter story?" --Toni
"Yeah, 'cause Easter's a happy time of year." --Michael
"His face really does match the wood behind him." --Steph
(on MRM's tan)
"Whatever you're doing, just finish her off already!" --Michael
"I've got, like, peripheral hearing!" --Jon
"There's no ball in my mouse." --Ike
"Okay, come up here and use this one. Can you believe it? Someone has his... Wait. That doesn't sound right. Cancel that." --Mrs. Mensky
"You! Who can't count to 21 unless he's naked!" --S
(scolding Kov)
"If I was my kid, I wouldn't want me hanging out with... me." --Floyd
"Was Tex-Mex food made by Texicans and Mexicans?" --Kev New
(on food origin)
"What was number 18? Cannibal?!"
(Brittany is confused by the Spanish test)
"What guy would want to work there anyway? Wait..." --Toni
(on the "discriminatory" hiring at Hooters)
"You're committing suicide! Academic suicide!" --a certain history teacher
"You look relaxed today, Mrs. Mensky." --Toni
"What?! I look like laxatives? I've never taken a laxative in my life!" --Mrs. Mensky
"I never knew you were old!" --Toni to Fran
"Did someone say my name?" --Mrs. Mensky
"They alphabetize all the words by number!" --Fran
(figuring out how the dictionary works)
"Used underwear is not useless." --Michael
"Free hugs for sale!" --Fran
Scene: A lesson in AP Bio on hydra and tentacles. Shelly bursts out laughing.
"She said 'testicles' twice and didn't even realize it!" --Shelly
"Different kind of little dangly things." --Michael
"Is it going to rain? I'm thirsty." --Mrs. Mensky
"If I was the Devil, I would have taken your firstborn." --Mr. B
"Rumpelstiltskin!" --Toni
"Moses." --Jimmy
(Note: isn't it a little sad when an English teacher doesn't even speak correctly?)
"Nantucket... rhymes with bucket... and something else." --Mr. B
"I think CPR only helps when you're choking." --John
"I've never seen a Cavalier with a sun roof before!" --Nick
"What sun roof?" --Dave
"It's a CONVERTIBLE!" --Toni
"Not to beat around the bush..." --MRM
(on female circumcision)
"Wrong end Toni, the tail's on the other side." --Beth
"Hop on the highway--we can be like OJ!" --Fran
"We're not humping the dog here on our review." --MRM
"Well, maybe the dog's humping us." --Shelly
"Don't tell us about your fantasies, Shelly." --MRM
(when review for finals goes terribly wrong)
"Imperfection... perfected." --Michael
"What's the French word for 'guillotine'?" --Toni
"Nation of sheep, run by wolves, owned by pigs."
(seen on chalkboard in study hall)
"Necrophile." --Dave's dad
"That's a dead subject." --Fran's dad.
"We'll take their water so they starve!"
(Michael damns Arizona)
"Do you think it's crappy that this is all made of cardboard?" --Michael
"Nah, medieval castles were always made of cardboard." --Dave
"What, do you have magnesia or something?" --Mr. B
(and thus, a new disease is born.)
"This is the Ping-Pong game. Without the Ping-Pong... and the game." --Jen Ham
"Look! Red... and white... and pink. The American flag!" --Jen Ham
"Have your pen and eat it three." --Kev New
(and now the Americans have a new cliche)
"But, he bought me a frog, and it poops!"
(Steph A. has a very loving boyfriend, apparently.)
"Anesthesia." --MRM
"Isn't that the name of a Disney character?" --Steph A.
"I'm a lazy Catholic." --Sean B.
"If anybody comes in my school with a gun, I'll shoot them!" --Jen Ham
"Who needs plates when you have overalls?" --Carrie
"Palabra a tu madre!" --Michael
(once again, making the Spaniards *very* proud, I'm sure.)
"You're about as funny as a rubber crutch in a polio ward." --MRM
"The entire ass of the class is gone!" --Michael
"I can swing either way--like a rusty gate." --Kev New
"Look Matthew--there's your rabbi!" --Danny to Kev New
"He lives at Wal*Mart! He, like, sleeps in those crates that they keep the Spaghetti-O's in!" --Becky
(on a certain person's ex-boyfriend)
"So, if that's a cafetorium, could that be an auditarium?" --Kelly's relative
"Someone was looking at the pictures and asked me if she was my girlfriend." --Esteban
"The SNAKE?!" --Toni
(what happens when you're thinking about different pictures)
"It's not a good idea to put 7-Up in the iron." --Esteban
(Look out, Martha Stewart.)
"Fran, let me read that now." --Nick
"Okay, here. Mine's the first one." --Fran
"Oh, at the beginning?" --Nick
(When the quote book begins to become popular...)
"What grade is the underclassmen?" --Chrissy
"This coleslaw tastes like cabbage." --Holly
"I'm from the Wild Wonderful Mountain State of West Virginia!" --Conrad Lucas
"Ew, that's gross!" --Holly
"What? Birds have a five-second rule, too." --Kelly
(on eating habits of birds)
"I care when people steal my friends. Not when they steal quotes about friends." --Amy
"Silly rabbi, Kix are for trids!" --S
"If you close your eyes, it kinda tastes like pistachio cake..." --Kelly
(on the coconut cake at Alexander's)
"'Natural flavor'? Why, do they taste like real bears?" --Michael
(reading the Teddy Grahams ingredient list)
"I'm wearing yellow, you're wearing black... Let's go make a bumblebee." --Danny to Sarita
"I had goat sex with Kim. She was baa-a-a-d." --Danny
"That's a SHEEP, you idiot!" --Kevin
"Walk like a Puerto-Rican..." --Danny
(giving the Bangles a run for their money, I suppose)
"There's a squirrel's nest in my tree." --Danny
(No comment.)
"Straight sex. You know, the UN-virgin kind." --Danny
"No, I'M Abercrombie! Kevin's..." --Danny
"...Salvation Army." --Kevin
(Lakeland students get ahead in the world of modeling)
"We're the 'less fortunate' Italians. We'll be called the Dutch." --Danny
"I hate unemployment. I quit!" --Jen Ham
"Two planes crashed into the World Trade Center." --Mrs. Doud
"The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rain..." --Jen Ham
(Note: Those words were the first we heard of the tragedy, and it didn't quite make sense in any of our minds yet, so No, Jen Ham is not an insensitive freak. She just happens to have really quick thinking reflexes.)
"There's a top half, a middle half, and a bottom half..." --Katie B.
"Last night I couldn't find Byzantium on the periodic table!" --Lexi
"Isn't that an ancient Greek city?" --Jen Ham
"It's like Friday the 13th, but Thursday!" --Kev New smartly observes the date
"Define an
Exploration with
Consideration for
Identification of a
Decision for an
Evaluation."
--Jen Ham makes studying for health a lot hharder than it is.
"I was a billy today..." --Danny harasses small children
"Just remember that test-taking is an individual sport." --Mrs. Garrick
(Can I be in the Olympics for that?)
"Is THAT what it was?!" --Jay T.
"Yes... I had a girl." --Mrs. Marino
(moments later...)
"Her name is Mikayla." --Mrs. Marino
"We'll call her Susie!" --Jay
(Note: They call her son Sid.)
"Now she's deaf, dumb, and sterile..." --Michael, laughing at the misfortune of his one cat.
"Danny, my pants! Help!" --Nicole
(Not going there, folks. Think what you want.)
"Okay, help me here--what Jews do I know?" --Amy
(because Amy is Jewish, you fool)
"I ate at BK. I felt better after I felt worse. Kinda like a drug overdose." --Jen Ham
"Manipulate the weak for the lazy." --Michael
(Huh??)
"Beat death. Eat raw meat." --Michael
(I can't decide which of these two makes more sense...)
"We'll dig a canal through the ocean and unite the Lackawanna and Nile rivers!" --Jen Ham plans to take over the world
"You could be a history professor engineer..." --Toni
"I could build really old things that have already been invented!
'What are you making?'
'A cotton gin!'" --Michael
"God loves me, and He pays me to do my homework!" --Jen Ham
"I'm free and easy, emphasis on the easy." --Kev New
"That was almost like that thing with Michael Jackson and, uh, Elvis Presley." --Danny
"Elvis Presley's DEAD!!" --Kev New
"This morning I woke up to Sam speaking Jewish libberish..." --Danny
(on the events at his sleepover)
"You can make anything out of a triangle... except a circle." --Danny
(Thank you, Einstein.)
"It's outdated. It only has 47 stars." --Fran
"That's before Cuba became a country." --Michael
(on the American flag)
"I'm mathematically impaired. Give me two plus two, and I'll be like, apple!" --Kim
"What happened? You all stopped talking at once." --Doud
"The drugs wore off." --Danny
"Tell him I'll eat his feeties!" --Ivan
"Spinal human combustion..." --Dustin
"Save the whales. We need the oil." --Steph A.
"He's gonna make some man very happy someday." --Ivan
(about Brad)
"She's got a Girl Scout troop." --Tiffany
"Wow - most people just keep pets!" --Fran
"For neighbors--flick your light switch! Two flicks for 'Leave me alone' and one flick for 'I need flour!'" --Jenny
(debating the use of electric lamps in communication)
"Look -- it's a Pentagon!" --Jen Ham
"It's a square-a-gram!" --Danny
"No -- it has five sides! It's a Pentagon!" --Jen Ham
"The Pentagon only has four sides now." --Michael
"Hooray for the heteros..." --Danny
"Donny Osmond is my husband!" --Krystle
"I like your pants!" --Toni
"Thanks -- they're blue snowflakes." --Jen Ham
"Now she has no friends AND an eating problem!" --Jen Ham
(telling the story of "The Little Red Hen")
"Two parts Kevin equals one part fat!" --Danny
(New math.
"Matchbook Twenty-One fan..." --Ms. Garrick
(misreading Danny's personal ad I wrote for him)
"He's bilingual, and speaks French, Canadian, and Dutch!" --Jen Ham
(what she wrote for part of Kev New's personal ad)
"I'm as excited as a homophobe in a proctologist's office." --Michael
(Can you tell he really loves football in gym class?)
"I'm as easy as a three cent whore with a hundred dollar bill." --Michael
(after a quick touchdown in the game)
"NAACP -- National Association for the Advancement of Canadian People." --A.J.
(those crazy Frenchies...)
"The food is free and tasty. Unfortunately, what's tasty isn't free, and what's free isn't tasty." --White Mike
(on the food at UC Berkeley)