"I'm your mustard bitch." --Toni (to Paul)
"We're gonna sign it J.H. and K.N., anonymously." --Jen Ham
(on making Mr. B's Top 10 list)
"I'm so hungry, my intestines are eating each other!" --Jen Ham
"Today a squirrel scared the nuts out of me!" --Danny
"It smells like rubber. Plastic rubber." --Pat
(on Danny's mask)
"Anyone? Free kindling, 25 cents. Anyone?" --Michael
(on school pictures)
"Jen, aren't Kevin's eyes brown?" --Toni
"No, they're blue. His nose is brown." --Jen Ham
"Kiss my scientific ass!" --Fran
"What's with all the Chinese restaurants in China? Err--Carbondale..." --Mike O.
"ME! I put the 'me' in 'mean'!" --Beth
"Fran, you start it off. Count by eights." --Mrs. Davis
"Eight." --Fran
"Sixteen." --Ronni
"Twenty-four..." --Katie Burke
(*rim shot*)
"Kevin, you look like a Playboy bunny! Err..." --Jen Ham
"Boris Yeltsin is my godfather." --Jen Ham
"Jen's so, like, passive congestive." --Danny
"Today I stepped in peanut butter." --Danny
"Today is scented peanut butter?!?" --Toni
"Today's queers in the closet of tomorrow." --Danny
(on Tomorrow's Leaders Today)
"Butt rot, stomach rot, and pudgy butt."
(new diseases invented by the Ham family)
"TGIF, right Fran?" --old neighbor
"Yep, you're right. Thank God it's Friday." --Fran
"But, hey, there's always POITS..." --old neighbor
"POITS???" --Fran
"Oh -- Piss On It, Tomorrow's Saturday!" --old neighbor
"Long Island's closed for the rest of the year." --Jen Ham
"Why?" --Toni
"Arabians..." --Jen Ham
"If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me for a nickel, I'd have a lot of nickels!" --Dave P. (the senior)
(OR, you wouldn't have ANY...)
"Did you say The URINAL Worker????"
(confusion about the fall play)
"Is this an early... Halloween present?" --Kev New
(on the English test)
"I'm ready! Last year we had American Lit, this year we have British Lit -- that's like, half the world!" --Katie Burke
(on the senior World Lit class)
"Skiing for the blind?!?! See? You never know what's coming next!" --Jen Ham
(*rim shot*)
"But you're not gay, bisexual, or lesbian." --Danny
"I'm all three..." --Jen Ham
"So you're a lesbian that has sex with gay men?" --Danny
"Yep, see? All three!" --Jen Ham
"I would have written it down, but I was sleeping!" --Jen Ham
(on forgetting a really good quote)
"Use 'scrupulous' in a sentence, Lexi..." --D�
"I don't know." --Lexi
"No, scrupulous has to be in the sentence." --D�
"I don't scrupulous know!" --Sarah
"I thought it was a verb!" --Katie
"Yeah, just scrupulous on down the hall..." --D�
"I said they should have Kentucky Fried Chicken, 'cause it's Alabama." --Toni
(on the food in the play)
"Merdi and merde -- Wednesday and shit..." --Jen Ham
(later...)
"SHIT! Wednesday is Mercrudi!"
(fun lessons in French...)
"Open teacher test!" --Sam Moro
"Josh, I'm NOT helping you! Take that out of your mouth and put it back on your pencil!" --Joe Pac
"The guitar is the bastard child of all stringed instruments." --Michael
"So THAT'S how they get all those weird fruit flavors! Potato kiwi, honeydew pumpkin..." --Michael
(on the weird pictures at Fresno's)
"Look -- it's the Leaning Tower of Mediocrity!" --Michael
"I'm a Polly Pocket!" --Carrie
"Taryn, what are you getting?" --Kim
"A taco salad without the taco..." --Taryn
"Milkshake for two! Or, if you have split personalities, milkshake for one!" --Michael
"He dropped the soap and paid dearly." --Michael
(on an injured Valley View football player)
"He's as smart as the chair you're sitting on!" --Michael
(on Evan Kraky)
"I love you like a mother because there's no other way to love you." --Pat (to Gloria)
"Let's all repeat the non-conformists' oath..." --D�
"I feel like I've got nowhere to go and no time to get there." --Michael
"Yeah, he looks like a hip star!" --Mike Wilcha
"What were you playing with?" --Ivan
"Barium chloride." --Fran
"That's made out of lollipops!" --Ivan
"What'd you call him?! Glockenspiel???" --Ivan
"Nincompoop." --Fran
"Oh, glockenspiel, nincompoop, close enough." --Ivan
"My family has a city in Russia named after them." --Toni
"Scranton?" --Jen Ham
"Gardner?" --Kev New
"No, you idiot, wrong side of the family." --Toni
"Well, guess what? My dad has a city in Russia named after him." --Jen Ham
"Nicholas?" --Kev New
"Chernobyl!" --Jen Ham
"It's really great when there's open boxes of donuts all over the desk, kids all over the room, the teacher's on the phone, and the principal walks in. This is what life's all about." --Ms. Garrick
(on the Halloween party in health)
"I could build a Trans-Pacific railway." --Michael
"It's called Route 6." --Sara Dodson
"Toni! Kevin's a Jewish Muslim! He just admitted it!" --Jen Ham
"I was going to whisper in your mouth..." --Jen Ham (to Toni)
"If there's a war, kill the French, Canadian, and Dutch, 'cause nobody cares about them." --Jen Ham
"I'm going to marry Kevin for the 7th time, but I have to marry him for the 6th time first." --Jen Ham
"I want you and Kevin to get divorced already!" --Toni
"We already did eleventeen times!" --Jen Ham
"He's distracted by all the technology that doesn't work." --Mrs. Marino
"It's it the cheap way of doing it? Yes! Is it the right way to do it? YES!" --Mrs. Marino
"Is it the EASY way of doing it?" --Sarah P.
"YES!!!" --Mrs. Marino
"My name is Mr. Bucklaw, and today we will be learning about..."
(writes on board)
"...PaRtY TiMe!" --Mark Bucklaw
"I shook Jim Wansacz's hand!" --Jen Ham
"What?? Jim Wansacz's serving you beer???" --some kid
"You got hit by a carriage?! What's up with THAT? Didn't you look up and down?" --Jen Ham
(giving Kev New pedestrian safety rules)
"Look -- it's the Ramadan bunny!" --Fran
"So basically you just take the Golden Gate Bridge from Pennsylvania to Venezuela..." --Jen Ham
"Jen drinks and pees at the same time." --Toni
"In one mouth and out the other!" --Jen Ham
"You're some dirty Spanish queen." --Kev New
"You're Enrique Iglesias!" --Danny
"That's like, a Tom Cruise wannabe..." --Danny
"That IS Tom Cruise!" --Kev New
"Mrs. Davis, what's the name of this thing?" *moves hands back and forth* -- Toni
"Squeeze-a-phone?" --Kov
"Could've been an orange juice pit..." --Paul
(after Pam tells Vanya about the potato chip in her juice bottle)
"It went up and down so many times that it wore a hole in itself!" --Paul
(taken horribly out of context)
"Oh, that's a cute little equation." --Kev New
"Kim Chlamydia!" --Michael gives Kevin a stripper name
"Happy Thanksgiving!" --Mrs. Kucharski
"Gobble, gobble." --Toni
"Quack, quack!" --Carrie
"You don't need alcohol to have a good time. Being in college is excuse enough to act like a moron." --Kelly
"This is a good song for today." --D�
"Uh...'Twas the day before Thanksgiving?" --Toni
"And all through the house..." --Kev New
"Not a pancake was stirring..." --Toni
"Not even a turkey." --Kev New
"I know we're over with, Kevin, but now we can have an extramarital affair!" --Jen Ham
"Toni, sit in the middle so it's more aesthetic." --Danny
(on switching seats in AP Chem)
"I'm so upset..." --Toni
"Oh, post-partum depression?" --Danny
"So you're the Little Engine That Stalled?" --Kev New to Carrie
(before the English test)
"Ques-que vous, blah blah blah..." --Danny's French
"Edible tampons?!? EWWWW! Maybe for piranhas, but not for you!" --Jen Ham (to Danny)
"Dana?" --D�
"70." --Dana
"See? A good solid D!" --D�
"Kevin's the type of guy who goes home and puts kiwis on his eyes and reads Cosmo." --Danny
"OK Danny, first of all it's cucumbers, and second of all, how can I read with something on my eyes?" --Kev New
"Well, it's audio... Cosmo for Blind People: "We're not going to talk to you about fashion because you don't really know." --Danny
"M-O-N-E, Mono is just for me!" --Danny
(being a jerk when I thought I might have mono)
"It's a spinoff of the Clapper!" --Caitlyn
"I've been blessed with a sunny disposition..." --Sarah
"My hair is falling out..." --Jen Ham
"So you're going blind?" --Kev New
"You know a baseball mound is like a square diamond..." --Mrs. Marino
"Sex in Connecticut is better than sex in America!" --Jen Ham
(on Danny's vacation escapades)
"I'm going to call you PW from now on." --Kev New
"Why, because I have to PEE all the time?" --Jen Ham
"No, because you're a Protestant Whore." --Kev New
"Jen, we have a kid who is schizophrenic." --Kev New
"No Kevin, he's gay. There's a difference." --Jen Ham
"Know what's good for a cold?" --Ivan
"Chicken soup?" --Fran
"Anal sex!" --Ivan
"Toni, you can't see..." --Kev New
"What?" --Toni
(apparently it isn't my eyesight that's off...)
"Kevin's my woman-husband." --Jen Ham
"It's Kevin's first Christmas/'Cause he was a Jew before..." --Jen Ham sings Christmas songs
"I'm Scotch!" --D�
(on nationalities)
"Nomadic: (n) the place above the ceiling where the gnomes live." --Michael
"...I'll give you $2.50!" --Danny
"WHY?" --Jen Ham
"'Cause that's half of $4..." --Danny
"It's faux ghetto..." --Krishna
"I ate a salad last night." --Jen Ham
"I'm Julius Caesar, so it's like you ate me!" --Danny
"Jen, do you have any of that bacteria stuff?" --Danny
"I have a yeast infection, so yeah, here ya go!" --Jen Ham
(On Purell. And, Jen was KIDDING there... calm down)
"I did a lot of work in Scranton with the military parade for Arbor Day or whatever." --Caitlyn
(on photography)
"Your personality problem is that you have no personality." --Danny to Kev New
"The Cartesian Coordinate System..." --Marino
"That's, like, a firehall in Jermyn!" --Jay
"He just walks around beating it!" --Joelle
(on the superintendent's 'Spirit Stick')
"Do you have, like, X-ray hearing or something?" --Kev New to Marino
"It's like church! Sit up... stand down..." --Katie B.
"I'm wearing this shirt 'cause it makes up for my fatigue." --Danny
"Where are the words in this book???" --Jen Ham's finest moment
"You keep moving my paper and making me write the wrong five!" --Jen Ham to Kev New
"But Kevin, I'm still on number two..." --Toni
"Toni, we're doing the odds!" --Kevin
(never try math homework when you're half-awake...)
"Yeah, they're considering changing their name to just Dakota to increase tourism." --Michael (on North Dakota)
"Then what would South Dakota be?" --Toni
"I'm With Stupid." --Michael
"He's from Rome or Mexico or something!" --Danny
(on Caesar)
"They're all below the equator!" --Danny
(trying to defend the above statement)
"Yeah, but in a circle there's more than four cardinal directions..." --Jen Ham
(a continuation of the same argument, sadly)
"If the Alchemists wanted to be rich, why didn't they just turn stuff into platinum?" --Danny
"Okay, you left me - leave again." --Jen Ham is upset with Kevin
"They should make some weird brittle with some random nut..." --Esteban
"Coconut brittle?" --Toni
"Big hair just means you're closer to God!" --Sarah
"I'm having a heart attack!" --Becca
"Stop, drop, and roll!" --Kev New
(moments later...)
"OR you could take her to the mall, and it's Stop, Drop, and Shop!" --Kev New
"JCPenneys for the DEAD?" --Michael
"Lexi, you have a big fat... locker." --Toni
"If I could take English as a language, I would!" --Jen Ham
"Yeah, I *should* take a P.T. for my U-R-I-N-E..." --Danny
(on pregnancy tests)
"Kevin could be like [the band] Poison, only he doesn't have sex with women." --Michael
"Men, women, only a couple of letters difference." --Kev New
"My father is a Pentecostal minister; my mother is a member of Hell's Angels." --D�
(teaching Becca about comma splices)
"You know how St. Louis is in...? Wait, it IS. Never mind, my joke won't work now." --Jen Ham
"No, then she could hold the ear up to her ear and say 'Hey! I can hear what you're thinking!'" --Jen Ham
(on Van Gogh's girlfriend)
"It'd be really funny if you used LSD, got really high, thought that snow was cocaine, and started sniffing it." --Danny
"Then you'd drown." --Jen Ham
"Steve Manery has the social skills of a chainsaw." --Esteban
"The PSSA's start this week." --D�
"You're not kidding! [long pause] Err... you're not serious!" --Toni
"Pick one." --D�
"If I was me, I don't know what I'd do." --Jen Ham
2010 Winter Olympics -- Scranton, PA!
"It's like, Einstein's theory of evolution..." --Jen Ham to Kev
"My both butts hurt." --Steph A.
"I have to make up 3 different stories to 3 different people in the next 3 hours." --Rob
"3's your lucky number!" --Marino
"Lakeland SADD: Students Against Dead Drivers." --Michael
"That's like, bad carmo." --Danny
"What did Germany take from France?" --Mrs. Davis
"Eiffel Tower." --Shelly
(on WWI lessons)
"How can Mexico be in our country and think that they're a separate country?" --Krystle
"That sounds like the Olympics!" --Toni
"That smells like Band-Aids!" --Jen Ham
(on a loud sound from another room)
"You sound like Peter Brady when he was going through a sex change." --Erin
"PUBERTY?" --Toni
(when Toni's voice was very hoarse)
"You know something? Every time you're on the bus, you put my ass to sleep." --Dave P. to Toni
"Toni, will you pet me in Chem?" --Jen Ham
"You're trying to steal for free." --Cara to Kov
"It's like a thermal heater in here!" --Kov
"My hands look like crap." --Lexi
"They're whiter." --Sonia
"What happened?" --Mrs. K
"Nosebleed..." --Sethery Bananas
"Do you need help?" --Jimmy
"No, I'm OK." --Seth
"He used to get them a lot during basketball... must be the steroids." --Jimmy
"Or too much cocaine..." --Mrs. K
"He's got one speed -- Slow!" --Mrs. K about Poncho
"I want Jimmy." --Kevin
"I do too!" --Jen Ham
"Well I'm going to win; who does he touch every chem class?" --Kev
"You and Poncho, so I guess you two are going to have to dyke it out... [pause] aw, SHIT... DUKE it out!" --Jen Ham
"Your friends are so nice, like Carrie McMyne... she's so cute. I wish I could have her as a friend. And if not, then a doll of her." --Em Ham to Jen Ham
"Can you write an elegy to someone living, let's say if they dump you?" --Jen Ham
"No, you have to kill them first." --D�
"Ode to Thumb" by Becca and Sarah
Oh Thumb, my Thumb
You are my chum
You can't hum
You are not dumb
When I am glum
You help me some
You have no mum
Oh Thumb, My Thumb.
"There's people starving in, like, Chile... [pause] Maybe we should send them some spoons." --Michael
(yeah, I know, that's just wrong...)
"Wasn't Hudson like a President or something?" --Jen Ham
"No... HENRY Hudson, you idiot!" --Kev
"Oh, isn't the Henry Bay named after him?" --Jen Ham
(during a Hudson Street chem discussion)
"What did I call you the other day?" --Danny
"Old man with no sex appeal. I'll remember that forever." --Kev New
"AL GORE!" --Danny
"Shut up, he's hot!!" --Jen Ham
"Pedophile!" --Kev New
"I'm the Polish Stallion." --Jimmy
"That doesn't even rhyme." --Kev New
"The Polish Pony..." --Danny
"Don't be grossed out if you see something coming out of my pants." --Mr. Medina
(a teacher at Stetson U., after a bike accident)
"My friends would bring pot, angel dust, and marij... oh, wait." --Danny
(if he were baby Jesus - *sigh*)
"There goes my no-fat, no-sugar, no-adjectives diet..." --Danny
('cause you know how fattening certain parts of speech can be...)
"You won't have any business today -- everyone's at the parade." --Mr. Ham
"But Daddy, the Russians and the Polish will still come for the buttermilk!" --Jen Ham
"No, not the Russians. They'll be at the parade so they can get drunk with the Irish." --Jen Ham
(on a slow day at the Montdale Dairy)
"Gonzaga!" --D�
"I get the team named after the noise you make when you step on a nail..." --Fran
(while drawing teams for the March Madness pool)
"...and I said, 'These babies are going in the garbage!'" --Mrs. Davis
"WHAT?!?" --Michael
(on simple Christmas cookie misunderstandings)
"Yo, fill me up with some!" --Kev New
"Uh, HOOK me up?" --Jen Ham
(beware of the Lakeland ghetto...)
"I'm gonna ostracize you on the trip!" --Kev New (to Toni)
"You're gonna stick her head in some sand?" --Michael
"When you're an older woman, you'll understand these things." --Mrs. Doud (to Eric)
Cannibal Toni
She's so cute
She has brown hair
And wears shoes, to boot!
--Danny, on some sort of drugs.
"If you were schizo, wouldn't you want your son to be not?" --Jen Ham
(on John Nash)
"You should commit, like, a whole lotta suicide!" --freaky underclassmen in the hall
"Clifford is a nice town. Everyone there has green teeth and hair on their back." --Jen Ham
"I DEFY the beep!" --D�
(because answering machines are too technologically advanced for him)
"I should have done THIS for a living." --D�
"Janitor?" --Caitlyn
"Cleaning lady!" --D�
"Describe the stanzas of an English sonnet." --D�
"An octet and a sestet." --Sarah
"But that equals 15!" --Becca
"Well, trees are outside..." -- Dana
(an indepth analysis of "Ode to the West Wind")
"If it snows a million pounds, me, you, and Danny are gonna steal the elephant from the French room and ride it down Mile Hill!" --Jen Ham
(26 March 2002 -- on early dismissal)
"I smell, therefore, I shower." --Toni
"ROCK IS DEAD
long live paper and scissors" --Fran
"At least I have some sense now... when I came in earlier I was mentally bankrupt." --Kevin's mathy play on words.
"Em, Dad wants us to go as a family to some college Saturday to see if I like it." --Jen Ham
"How far is it?" --Em Ham
"2 hours... maybe more." --Jen Ham
"Whoa, that's like frickin' Knoebels without the funnel cakes!" --Em Ham
"The East Pole and the West Pole..." --Becca
"Oh! I saw something on... on..." --Sarah, fishing for a word
"TV???" --D�
"I'm going to the bathroom to slit my wrists." --Mensky
"It was the scariest moment of my life; I was attacked by a monkey in the hall, but actually it was Ivan Karosus." --Jen Ham
"Candie, do you take Jesse to be your lawfully wedded wife?" --Pastor Dan
"She's my ark nemesis..." --Katie
"I just always thought it was a really happy number!" --Michael
(on Factorial Notation n!)
"Well, I like my boobs, and I like where they're at!" --Steph A. in pre-cal
"I'm temporarily here for a second." --Leanne
"I learned a new word today... but I forgot what it was." --JoLynn
"Is it March or April?" --Josh
"4/10." --Paul states the date
"Is it March, or April?" --Josh
"It's April, Josh." --Paul
"This isn't a refuge." --Mrs. K
"Are you calling us garbage??" --Brian Saslo
"I said refuge, not refuse!" --Mrs. K
(on a sudden invasion of seniors into the junior AP chem class)
"This static is, like, really static!" --Kim Jubinsky
"How come coconut shavings are white when they're in candy, but when they're in fruit cups and Chinese food they're yellow?" --Jule
(Michael looks quizzically at Jule and stops to think for a moment)
"Jule... that's PINEAPPLE." --Michael
"I got places to go, and nowhere to be." --Matt Serniak
"Kevin, why won't you marry me?" --Toni
"Because I hate you." --Kev New
"Smokeless weed!" --Jen Ham
"I'm going to buy one of those marijuana seed necklaces, accidentally dig this hole, accidentally drop it in, bury it, and accidentally water it everyday." --Jen Ham
"How can you see imaginary shapes and colors? Are they new ones you've never seen before? [pause] Oh... they're just not there." --Toni, talking to herself
"The pee-in-the-sink lab!" --Jen Ham
(The demented side of chemistry has reared its ugly head...)
"Why don't they just get rid of bucks then? That way it'd prevent a doe from having twins." --Sarah's mom
"Do deer really have twins?" --Sarah
"Yeah, ya know, a horny buck!" --Sarah's mom
(on the increasing deer population in NEPA)
"The interviewer was incredibly unarticulate..." --D�
(on Shayka's interview for Scholar of the Year)
"Was he old?" --D�
"No, he was Mexican!" --Sarah
29 April 2002 -- "First Day of Winter"
Upon spying Jen Ham's root beer barrels, Toni blurts "OOH! Taste me!"
"My life is like an ice cream sandwich." --Becca
"I voted for Toni for Slut of the Year award." --Jen Ham
o/` Happiness is... screwing your neighbor... o/` -- Kevin sings
"1910-hyphen-1919!" --Kev New
"Jen, if you weren't related to me and stuff, I'd like, marry you, well no, I'd just divorce you or something." --Danny
"Just slit my wrists and call me Tammy." --Carrie
"You know how you only use 10% of your brain? Well, I'm that other 90%!" --Katie Burke
17 May 2002 -- the maiming of the quote book ;(
"Are they those new Euro lights?" --Katie, looking at odd taillights
"Jen, may I have some crunchy gum?" --Toni
"I'm not a 'social butterfly'... I'm a SLUT." --Bill Ritter
"Hey, lay off the Raggedy Ann bedsheets! I'm the only one allowed to lay ON them..." --Paul
"Careful, or you'll be in the oven..." --Kev New
"But don't you care if it's heads or tails?" --Pat M.
"Everyone should get raped at least once in their lifetime." --Kev New
"You have two legs, I have one face, and they're longer!" --Kev New
"You put the 'whore' in door!" --Kev New (to Toni)
"We'll call it the Darryl Strawberry rule." --D�
10 July 2002 -- Sarah and Toni's initial reaction at the awards ceremony
"Hey -- it's tomorrow already!" --Josh Kosh B'Gosh
On to the third installment...
"Oh, you're two-thirds black?" --Kyle F. (from North Pocono)
"And she's winning by a landslide." --Kev New
"A bord!" --Toni
(a new generation of pet names)
"No -- the guy got NAILED!" --Mark
"The chances are Slim to None, and Slim just died." --Jen Ham
(after discovering what's *really* under his covers...)
"Oh, like Goldilocks?" --Toni
(on the perils of cooking pizza)
"No, it doesn't matter; I'm not religious." --Danny
(upon finding a penny in the road)
"For every base, you snort a line of coke?" --Michael
"SHIT!" --Toni
"Fuck me!!" --Sarah