| I'm a
fairly average 'happy go lucky' guy from what I can see.
Most of the normal problems that everyone else seems to
have - mortgage, odd bit of debt, maintain a house,
fight with the weeds in the garden, wait for the next
corner the car doesn't want to take and worry about the
MOT test! That sort of thing.
On the surface I
am all together. Professionally very confident and
respected because for my technical skills through
which I interact with many people.
I like people and
more honestly, like people to like me! Don't we
all? Contrary to
"twinkie" type opinion, just because I'm over 30 doesn't mean that I
am drool, have horns and a tail, or that I'm a dirty old man.
My insecurities show themselves in several ways. I
talk a lot, yet, sometimes I am not sure when to
'chip in' and say my bit. I wear nappies as a comfort
behaviour and have done so since the age of 10. I worry
about getting old and lonely. I'm gay/bi (never really
understood myself enough to know what is the difference
as sex is one of those areas I am shit scared
about).
Most of my work
colleagues would see a different side to my dl (nappy
wearing) friends. Socially, with non-dl friends I am
inept. Bizarrely with dl's I have loads to
contribute and very much at ease with them - adult
nappy wearers are no threat at all, for they have as
much to gain/lose from an encounter as me, so they
are not a threat!
I have over the
last 3 years come to terms with much of the 'real me!'. I have this irrational fear that others do judge me wrongly or at any moment
might ridicule me about my inadequacies. I have a very poor body image considering myself quite ugly and do have extended periods where I become quite social phobic.� This has been the case for many years.
This is something my dl friends would not associate
with - sorry, guys I am not perfect and as
strong as you might have thought!
I developed an
arthritis condition known as reactive arthritis, as a
young person, about 12 years ago. Me, being me, wouldn't
acknowledge that there was a problem - couldn't
let the side down (not sure what side it was!). I
trundled along with others becoming increasingly worried
about me, but not wishing to interfere, and finally I
was retired at the age of 37 from a high flying
professional career.
Any social engagements I have attended were/are characterised by me getting involved in avoiding people, trying desperately to blend with the wall covering
or clearing dishes. The event (BBQ, pub night, party,
etc,. ) invariably concluded/s with me being one of the first to leave � sometimes without me being polite enough to say my �goodbyes�.
I think sometimes others confuse my actions as shyness, but it is quite
different. I feel sometimes that I must have a message across my forehead which
says �Don�t get too close I�m fragile!� Most people learn not to enquire about
my life, my �friendships� or �relationships� � I think they see me a very
private person and of course they would not get much detail, because there is
not much to tell them.
Well what a
revelation that was! Now lets move on and you might be
inspired, if you are a nappy wearer to meet, chat by
phone (which I am stunningly comfortable with), msn,
yahoo messenger (but be aware that I have learned who is
just using it to get there jollies and wank off) or just
email me and I will reply.
|
