| The Mikist Party Relationships and Dating Page Advice from a man with no business giving advice. |
| Welcome to the new Mikist Party Relationships and Dating Section! Why create a section like this? Why allow someone, Chairman Mike, who has no idea about anything of this nature write this? Because I'm in charge, and I'll do what I want. It's not like anyone's going to read this anyways! NOTE: The Mikist Party does NOT promote homosexuality, and that is NOT the reason this page's color scheme appears as you see it. We are attempting to make this female friendly and since, as I stated before, I have no idea what I am doing this is the best I could come up with. |
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| The Ultimate Relationship Test! Test your chances of getting into a relationship. This test is for guys, but girls can feel free to take it too just to amuse themselves! |
| 1. When I approach a girl, they... +2...enthusiastically greet me with a hug and possibly a kiss and engage in conversation. +1...happily greet me with a smile and engage in conversation. +0...wearily greet me and stay and talk for a little while. -1...barely seem to notice me and say as little as possible. -2...leave as soon as quickly as humanly possible, possibly uttering anti-semetic comments. |
| 2. When talking to a girl online, their usual response seems to be... +2...smiley faces and comments that clearly show flirting and enthusiastic conversation. +1...semi-enthusiastic and healthy conversation. +0...a drab conversation that at least has some substance and keeps going for a while. -1...they simply say "lol" or "yup" to everything you say, clearly trying to hint nicely to you to shut up. -2...they simply don't say anything, or block you. |
| 3. Of all the girls I've asked out, ____ percent actually said yes and met me for a date. +2...near 100% +1...near 75% +0...less than 50% -1...less than 25% -2...0% |
| 4. My physical appearance could be described as... +2...well built, "buff" as one may say. +1...physically fit, thin. +0...average, not in great shape but not "pudgy" or "chunky". -1...somewhat pudgy, noticably over-weight. -2...fat. |
| 5. I drive a... +2...sports/performence car, in good condition. +1...a decent car, possibly a newer Volkswagon or Chevy. +0...an average, older car. -1...a piece of crap. -2...I don't own a car. |
| 6. I have ___ female friends/contacts. +2...more than 10 +1...between 5 and 10. +0...between 2 and 5. -1...just one, maybe two if you stretch it -2...not even one |
| 7. In the absurd "baseball" classification system of sexual advancement, I have previously gone... +2...all the way. +1...to 3rd base. +0...to 2nd base. -1...to 1st base. -2...no where. |
| 8. My conversations with girls end with... +2...a hug or kiss. +1...a warm goodbye. +0...a semi-friendly goodbye. -1...a cold feeling. -2...What conversations? |
| 9. I notice I get flirted with... +2...several times a day. +1...at least once a day. +0...a few times a week, maybe a little less. -1...a few times a month, maybe a little less. -2...never. |
| Congradulations (or not), you've finished the quiz! Now it's time to see how you've done. Simply add up the points you scored on each question to come up with your total score. What's good and what's bad? See below for just where it is you stand... |
| 14 to 18: Highest Level. You could have any girl you know, and a whole lot you could randomly get to go out with you! Good for you, rat bastard! 8 to 13: High Level. Girls seem to like you. You're no Sean Connery, but if you wanted some you could get it rather quickly. 3 to 7: Decent Level. You have a decent chance with girls. We wish you luck. -5 to 2: Moderate Level: You have somewhat of a chance with girls. Better than nothing, I suppose. -10 to -6: Low Level: You have a low chance with girls, although there's surely someone out there for you. Perhaps someone with wieght issues... -18 to -11: You will die alone. Perhaps you should start your own political party...or join mine...to make yourself forget how you don't get any from anyone. |
| Top Ten Signs that You Will Die Alone |
| 10. You think a "blow job" is a meteorological term. 9. You've ordered pills for the purpose of enlarging your penis from a television infomercial or an e-mail. 8.You've been turned down by a lonely fat chick. 7.You've been turned down by more than one lonely fat chick. 6. Homosexuals you know have had more boyfriends than you've had girlfriends. 5. You voluntarily listen to the musical group Aqua (creators of the "Barbie Girl" song). 4. When someone you know refers to "first/second/third base" or a "home run" in a seemingly sexual way you suspect them of playing on a French men's baseball team. 3. Other people have engaged in sexual activites in your bed more often than you have. 2. You've illegally downloaded more pornogrpahic video than you would be able to watch in an entire year. 1. You're the Chairman of a political party you created out of boredom, and that party has been allowed to continue for more than a year. |
| Ask the Chairman! Have a relationship question? Submit it here and it'll be answered here as soon as I bother to answer it! |
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| Here are the answers to some questions that have already been submitted! |
| Q: Mr. Chairman, how much pornography do you have? A: See 5th Amendment to United States Consitution. |
| Q: What does it mean if a girl that I like is driving 20 mph below the speed limit in front of me and clearly knows I'm back there? A: It could be flirting, or a test of your tolerance of other people. Girls don't wanna go out with an enraged phyco. The proper responce would be to follow her as closely as possible. If she hasn't gotten out of your way within 5 minutes, try flashing your brights and playing the song "Move Bitch, Get Out Da Way" as loudly as possible. If that doesn't work, try throwing objects at her back windsheild. She'll think twice about annoying you again! |
| Q: What is the effect of large amounts of bowling on my chances of getting some? A: That all depends. If there are attractive girls at the bolwing ally, I would encourage it. Go, talk, try to get some. If there's nothing but fat chicks at your ally I would suggest still going bolwing, as if you're asking me this question and there are no attractive girls you know that are into bolwing that's probably the best you can do. Hey, "more cushion for the pushin'" as some say. |
| Q: How much bowling is too much bolwing in relation to my chance of getting some? A: In my opinion, any regular bolwing is too much bolwing. The only exception to this rule is if there is a VERY attractive girl there...or any girl that you could conceivably get some from without becoming physically sick. |
| Q: Should I hit that shit? A: That depends. Please describe the shit you're debating whether or not to hit. Q: If the girl is very hot, yet very slow in the mind, is it still alright? A: Yes. Hit that shit...as long as she knows her own name, and can undress and dress herself (before and after, I mean). |
| Q: What should I do if I find a friend of mine in my bed engaging in sexual acts with a fat chick? A: An interesting question indeed, but I'm up for it. First, walk away as if you've seen nothing. Call another friend at this point...and make sure they bring a camera with them. Go to your kitchen and get a large pot, fill it with milk. Then place the pot full of milk on the stove and heat until it's warm...not boiling. After it reaches the that point remove from stove and dump it on the jackass. A second afterwards have your friend with the camera snap a picture of it. Problem solved. Not only have you properly executed vengence but you've now got a picture of your friend and a fat chick covered in a warm, whitish liquid to sell to a pornographic site for money. |
| Q: Recently a slutty Puerto Rican chick asked me if I would pay her $200 to go out with me for a couple weeks to boost my reputation. What should I do, keeping in mind that no sexual acts are included in the price? A: No sexual acts? $200? Puerto Rican? If you even consider taking the deal you need to slap yourself as hard as you can, as many times as you can. |
| Q: Recently I had a date with a girl, but at the last minute she said he cousin died and had to cancel. She then said she was busy for the next few days. What's going on? A: She's trying to hint to you to get lost, in a very traditional and angering way. The old "my relative died" excuse is famous for getting out of dates and other things. My advice would be to ask as many questions as possible, make the bitch elaborate on the excuse. When she finally says "FINE! I JUST DON'T WANNA GO OUT WITH YOU!" consider yourself lucky, as the same was true before...but now you got to have fun with it. |
| Q: Recently I called up a phone sex line and gave them my name and home address, but they never showed up. What should I do? A: Were you dropped on your head multiple times as a child? I'm not going to answer this question. I'm not, because doing so would anger me far too much. |
| Q: The other day I saw a girl I used to like (and still do, I guess) at the mall for the first time in a few years. What would you think the best way to handle this would be? A: Talk to her for a while, as friends. Then slowly slip in jokes about sexual things, and see how she takes it. If she seems interested, get a little more serious. If she still seems interested...then it's good news for you that most malls have a cheap motel within a few blocks. |
| Keep the questions coming...it's not like I've got anything better to do! Note: If you take the Chairman's advice and it gets you into trouble, too bad. That's what you get for taking advice from a man who has no idea what he's talking about. |
| The Mikist Match Corner! When You're Really Freakin' Desperate |
| Welcome to the Mikist Match Corner. Just the fact that you're reading this tells me that you want some...and you want some now...so we here at the Mikist Party have gone and made it all too simple. Just fill out the questionaire below and submit. Within 24 hours we'll match you with someone else! Vive Mikism (and random placements)! |
| 1. I am... |
| 2. My ideal romantic evening would consist of... |
| 3. My last sexual encounter... |
| 4. My favorite band is... |
| 5. Within the past year, I have been... |
| 6. My Favorite TV Network is... |
| Now simply submit your responces, and you'll see your perfect match presented to you with...never. But we'll set you up with someone, you can be sure of that. Thank you for wasting your time, and come back soon! |
| Q: Does saying the quote, "My good man what do you like to play?...pokemon...pokeman pokeman with the poke and the man and the thing where the guy comes out of the thing" help me in my quest to attain a woman? A: Unless you're attempting to seduce a far under-aged Japanese girl, no. |
| The Whole Point of This Section |
| Point? There is no point! Most of the things contained on the Mikist website have no point! Are you disappointed? I didn't think so. |
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| The Mikist Party Presents: Pick-Up Lines Note: These pick-up lines are meant to acquire women; but hey, I guess some would work for men, too. The Mikist Party is not responsible for loss or damage due to use of the pick-up lines. |
| "You put the 'chick' in my 'chicka-bow'." "Hey, a hefty girl. If I have sex with you I'll have somewhere cushioned to fall asleep afterwards." "How'd you like a nice warm helping of man juices?" "Beautiful day for a 'Hot Carl', no?" "Just Do It." "Let's see what we can fit in there, shall we?" "Wanna be in a movie?" "Hey, it's only that small because of how many things I've jammed it into." "I could get you a wicked discount at the adult video and acessory store." "Let me use my special hose to put out that fire in your pants." |
| You Might Be a Sick Bastard If... |
| 1. You've been spotted at Wal-Mart licking the crotch of a pair of panties. 2. You enjoy rousing games of "Can My Penis Fit Into That?". 3. You've been fired from your job at the morgue for reasons you refuse to disclose to anyone. 4. You've pictured at least one elderly, crippled woman naked and covered in maple syrup within the last week. 5. The thought of Britney Spears taking a massive dump on your crotch arouses you to a degree you cannot begin to express. 6. Even the older guy in the trench coat outside the adult video store looks at you with disgust. 7. You enjoy attempting to light your partner on fire after sexual relations. 8. You've ever shoved a two liter bottle up your ass and screwed off the cap with your buttocks. 9. You return rented pornographic materials to the stores all icky. |
