1999, ENTRY 7
My darling,
Sometimes it is rather frightening to be so many people all at once; with so many dissimilar and equally compelling emotions, affections, ideas, elans, apprehensions... aware of so many differences in restraint, nuances of phrase... always aware of the many shades of meaning to any life lived....it occasionally becomes almost unbearable when housed within my one and only body.
When my feelings and senses threaten to sunder me and render me into a myraid pieces, I hear your voice, clear and tender and light. Can anyone know me so quickly and easily and well as you have?? You discovered me and accepted me, as I am.... for this and for yourself I have opened all my worlds and my entire being to you, the many facetted, the rainbow diffraction of every aspect of my being.
I am not kind and soft and clingy.....me: hard savagely alive now that you have made me alive. As a child I was told I was ugly; by my mother and my sister... reinforced a multitude of times and ways... I was the "brght" one and she was the "pretty" one. They pushed me out of their universe and I drove myself relentlessly all my youth, opening many worlds to myself, since the only world that was valuable to them ( their world of personal beauty) they had denied me entry into. Part of my search for love, has been a quest to wrest back the sense of my own beauty. And when I have so little beauty left to give, I see the truth of it reflected in your eyes.
The thought of you and your arms around me suddenly fills me with delight as my body remembers you and stirs., shaken.... They, ( all... the multitude) who have sought to cut me down to manageable size and style can never harm me again... I can never be bullied by their lies again. You have turned my weakness into strength... *s*. Then Shell who knows both my sister and myself, unconsciously... ingenuously said
"Were you always the pretty one??"
I laughed and laughed with utter and sheer delight.
I am luminescent, burning with this fevered flame... the beauty of this burns through me
You are so gentle and mild of heart; you embody the courage of humility and patience. I feel such a wave of pride in you and delight and overwhelming love. You are so valuable in this world of ours so blind with hatred.