1999, No 17

Morning light wakes me...,

Body in turmoil, tumultuous heaving liquid. Body mine, enemy mine. Purging... gnawing weakness, despair, anger... fluid feeling whirling around in and through me... mirrored in the wind that whips and howls... my soul rides the wings of the wind. Silently I cry my rage and my fear and pain beyond what I thought I could bear. Noone sees. They look at me and see my face, the smiles, the congenial words, the comforting and caring I offer. .. the activity that is constantly around me. They look at but do not see  the haunted eyes and the pain rimmed consciousness that separates me from all humanity. But for you.

I dread not another long night.. with trepidation I face another day entire and whole knowing each minute I must master, each second, another battle with myself and the enemy within...  Solitude is something I seek now, and ironically all those who left me in solitude for so many years  now filter in and out of my life at will. Ironies. Yet they see me, and see not me. They see the image and the archetype. They see the safe harbour from any storm, the unyielding rock, the living proof that I have become, the beacon that persists and tells them all that nothing will break you and that we can each survive anything and emerge better, deeper richer in all that matters.  Walking this close to the edge, knowing the edge looms JUST THERE sheds glaring light on what is most important. Although they know it not,  because to them all I am a role and not the person I trully am, I can silently with each moment LOVE them with all I am as I do everything. Each moment I tenderly gently in my own way, love them that little bit more. I have learned now that who you love is what life is all about and all that matters.

And yet for now I am not alone. I have a fortress wherein I am safe, and you are those walls I shelter within. Here alone in all my life I can trully be who I am ; unvarnished, untrammelled. No roles live here safe within your knowing. I am held fast with love. Time and again you show me that finally someone SEES me. Noone has ever recognised me, known me, turned to me and said that is bullshit. When I speak the lecture and quiver afraid and in pain, you turn and tell me who I REALLY am; and what I really feel... and you are right. ... and I am in awe.

All my life I have waited for someone who knows me.... sees me and recognises me. ALL ME. There is only you. So many wrap their foundations around my strength, noone knows or sees the very frightened little girl that lives deep within trapped behind the facade that is so capable. .. lonely and afraid within the multitude of people that is my complex soul...
Love you?
Why?

because of all I have turned to in my dark moments, of them all there is only you that has risen beyond the horror that sits squarely here in  front of us, and still seen me. You have not lost sight of the goal at hand, which is life itself, and tie me fast and hard to staying. I am so tired my love, so very very tired of carrying so many and so much, and facing and working through anything. If you were right here with me you could not give me more than you do. It is a shock to me that someone gives, not what I feel is pretty and right but in
essence and truth gives exactly what I need.

I have no conscience. My conscience lives in your body remotely. My ballast is where you are. You, and no place, no anything, are my home. peace has always been alien to my spirit. yet here at the center of a battle beyond real understanding and beyond my desiring, yet here I am at peace. You are my refuge, and my strength. And I know you would look into my eyes and see.. you of all would know. *s* I know with you I would not get away with acting my way through this. That too relieves me.

So this is LOVE...