DIARY
ENTRY 18 1999
They are finally gone. All of them. I let my mask slip and I curl up tiny and compact squeezing myself into the very corner of the lounge, legs tucked under and into me.. arms around my knees head resting on my knees ... eyes screwed tight shut... I bite hard on my bottom lip with my upper teeth.... and shake... alternately hot and cold....
One by one tears spill and race each other down my cheeks... splashing their way onto the couch.. baptism of pain. fever, nausea, bleeding.. washing any sense of anything away from me; finally bare stripped down to nothingness but a ball of hurt and pain.... a silent angry cry that is never seen or heard but wells in me....
I am ill and torn between my rational mind and irrational emotions, and the guilts and the fears all too often gain the upper hand. I fight to maintain control over the small elements I yet have control of. I fear without control I will be possessed of that terrible rage at myself and life would become intolerable. I teeter on an edge.. barely clinging....
And I have spent so many years running, sometimes from things very real, sometimes from illness, and my own secrets, and my pain, carrying my lodestone of loves and responsibilities, desperately needing help; knowing that noone could help me if they could not see me.... knowing they could not bring me to my knees and break me because noone could ever find the real me... Caught and lost in my own protection... trapped