1999 ENTRY 15
This pause, consolidating myself and my growth; a hiatus from life, a taut interval of life disembodied. My mindless mechanical doing freeing the mind to wander, escaping none of the agony meted out this year.
Thought riddled I turn inwards. Evenings and nights find me wandering, unconscious of time or flesh, walking miles and miles of streets, staring, searching discovering, learning; learning what I will never know.
I wait for you and sometimes sense the ice gathering in you, knowing that no matter what - we are eternally bound. Our days are numbered by the caring we have for others, our love weighed out to us by scruple. However dense and driven, compact sweet fire engendered and unable to die. I am grateful for the work that consumes so much of my energy.
I see you briefly and I am filled with you. I am very tired; worn out and thinking nonsense. I have been taking seriously small mean things eating at my core. I need to laugh... and I rebel from the harsh discipline that ties me here... the bonds of caring. I have drafted two letters to you now I have not yet sent... they wait and sit... silent sentinels to some thoughts. One day when I am braver I shall shoot them away before I think and stop myself as I have more than once.
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