....
the state I use to survive those seemingly endless moments of intolerable pain. Anger is my natural protection and armour and it serves me well.. It holds the rest of the world at bay and indicates when anyone steps across a clearly defined boudnary I have thrown up. I have been violated. Society asks me to swallow this, yet I can no longer swallow pain. I can no longer sustain what is expected of me.
Many do. Those who do suffer diseases like cancer, heart attacks, strokes and the like. Anger and rage does not disappear if we ignore it; it burrows down and through and finds a place to reside, either in our behaviour or in our body - or both. The longer we suppress and bury anger,c ap it and seal it from the outside world, the more it festers and grows wihin us.
Rage is white hot anger; it is capable of killing. It is also capable of giving life. I believe this is a superb emotion. We can use this emotion as a tool to lay down permanent boundaries, stake out lifetime territories and give birth to our self. Rage is whatc an launch us out of that terrible vaccuum of inertia, thrusting us forwards. Rage is useful....if the pain doesn't STOP I'll.... ( I'll what??? drink?? die?? do what??) The betrayal, the shock, the relief, the loneliness. He. Hurt.Me. Left Me. To continue. Without him. He. Betrayed. Love. And me. And you. Devalued love.
Gratitude....
That feeling we have when we survive yet another day....when we make the smallest progress; *s* our expectations are so low we are difficult to disappoint.
Nothing makes us grateful faster than lsoing something we find integral to life. The sudden void makes us acutely aware of everything we have, however little, and how at least we have never taken anything for granted. Limits and boundaries we realign without conscious thought. Both you and I have been kicked to a pulp by events and loss. I am only grateful we have each other to reach for because I am too aware neitehr of us can continue alone. We both need each other's help. I cannot get through a whole day without you. I don't even manage the simplest of tasks; feeding myself, bathing, even breathing can be almost impossible. These simple things don't seem monumental but they ARE. ... like finding words to capture feelings ( does this sound familiar my dearest friend??) pride becomes a ridiculous defence... and anyways pride takes strength something we can't even remember we ever had.
Life humbles me. Events happen over which I have little or no control or power.... no influence. Events don't play fair. Other people don't play fair. It isn't the events that break us down, but our certainty that we had control when in reality in so many ways we have none. The pain we both go through is like awakening to our utter powerlessness over anything and anyone outside ourselves.
Days roll by like waves on a beach, some are loud and violent like our emotions and some creep by and recede without any sound at all as we retreat into silence, and without us even noticing. Life goes on around us, despite us. One day blackens into another and we tumble through them usually unable to account for anything productive just survival.
