Our demons make us look at ourself and face our shortcomings in minute detail. They know us well. They force us to stretch ourselves whether we want this or not. Our demons call upon the courage inside us to do battle and without their challenge we would cease growing. Tedium, irritation and fatigue are the pumice stones that chip against our moments of enlightenment, ensuring we remain fallible and human.
In me I find both strength and weakness. My weakness is far more valuable. I recognise my fragility, humanity... dependance... a frail little thread dangling deom the shirt tailof life ( one pull and we are history!!~~!!). One snap and we are dead. And all we really need is to be cherished. To be loved. I am determined that those Ilove will know it. The rest is biodegradable and trivial. What is important is that those I love KNOW that I do.
I no longer care to be gracious. it requiores the ability to zip my lip, use of a false smile, a sensitive response, and I have run out of energy for these things. Anger?? Bitterness?? Rage?? have been important parts of claiming back parts of myself. Loss, sudden and unexpected has reprioritised my life. I see as never before what is trivial and meaningless, and the people who are a total waste of time and life, and lose faih in the institutions which pigeonhole us into roles we dont want.
I do odd things.
I disobey.
Silence is a loud non noise that keeps me awake at night and drives me from room to room during the day. Emptiness has a loud sound...an incessant drone, like whispers we can't quite make out, or the sound of water draining from a tub. I want to thrasha round and get away from it, but it follows me. Everywhere it follows me. And when there are the sounds of life around me, they grate against my wounds amplifying my own inner emptiness - the aloneness I do not choose.
