I can't fulfil the promises he broke. There is a workaround to finding some sense of appreciation - I think. Yes I will always be without Ian, yet never without him. Yes, my hopes and dreams will never be. But I know there will be other hopes and dreams; now I know that. Not the same ones in the same way. Sometimes great blessings unfold unexpectedly from nowhere.
The very first step back to regaining myself is to admitt hat I am not whole. Wholeness as I see it is NOT a state of total fulfilment. I have redefined this to be a new creative arrangement of the pieces that are left of me.
I keep telling myself that the ending of one story is the beginning of another. I now begin to believe it. When I have seen couples - I ache. I walked dowwn these streets watching families and I ached for what I did not have. Yet logic tells me that it is a delusion for me to believe my aloneness is terrible and their togetherness is great. Neitehr being alone or being with someone promises happiness. A lot of these people are likely totally miserable; here I think of family units I know are perceived as purportedly happy and I have been close enough to know otehrwise. In truth I would prefer to be alone than to be caught in that hell. .... I know of instances where husband and wife never talk on anything barring a mere superficial level, and others where husband and wife have not made love for weeks or months. That would drive me insane. ...well even more so than I already am!!~~!!
Intuition is a goft I have, and is also a form of intelligence. It is my awareness of soemthing otehr than myself that influences me... a form of "knowing" , of mysteries that defy explanation... Our culture rarely acknowledges it because we can't accurately "measure" intuition, or locate it in our body. Animals have it; why does a dog growl at some people and not others?? Children too, go to some and shy away from another... Or how do animals know of earthquakes in advance? ow do we soemtimes know who is on the phone in advance???
I have hidden eyes and ears inside observing and taking in what I cannot see...weaving this understanding into the databank that is my mind. It works better when I still my conscious mind.... it shouts loudly through the chaos of my life when I am vulnerable.
