DIARY
1999
Page 11
Let me confess my humanity and selfishness to you, my love.
When I first heard about my delightful ex's problems and the ensuing aftermath, one of the emotions and several of the thoughts that have bounced around inside of me.... I have never brought into the open air and examined between us. I choose to do that here; and now.
I have spent all of my adult life doing "the right thing"; putting my children first. There is a piece of me that really doesn't want to be tied into, chained to a domestic mothering wheel and tortured all over again. Dramatic?? Hardly. I honestly want something in time and space for me. Selfish?? you bet. I am done with being self sacrificing for the greater good; and yet here I am again doing exactly that. And I don't necessarily like it.
I screamed inside when I realised I would need to TIE myself here for a whole year. Getting on that plane and flying to KL awoke in me my demons. I love to travel... I would enjoy travelling anywhere and everywhere with you... I can even see ways we could employ ourselves ( both of us ) and travel; I can see numerous possibilities... if both of us were free to up and run.
There are so many things you and I studiously avoid talking about; afraid of the other's reaction, afraid of adding more hurt, even to ourselves. I am done with that my love.
From DAY 1, I was with you as I am right here and now... DISGUSTINGLY, BRASHLY , OPENLY honest. ... and who I am. This page frees me up again to be this same person. I will not dance around anyone''s feelings; yours or mine.
I saw ANOTHER ENDING when I felt the maternal chains slip tightly round me for these little ones and start to choke the person I have grown into. I also felt a measure of resentment. I screamed inside because I am freeing myself as fast as I can and here come chains wrought of love to bind me and weigh me down. A horrified muzzle slipped over me, and I could not clearly see my way through this.
In my days to day dealings with Dickhead, I have come to realise that my role in this is more about keeping the bastard honest. It has been with great relief I have witnessed the cleaning_up_of_his_act in the last few days. What that means effectively is that I can again see a small open window where I can sneak throrugh and find something for me.
I suppose you have realised by now that I catalogue our lives solely within the rarefied environment of time with you.... you see there is CONTACT with you and there is EMPTINESS. I fill that emptiness with waiting for you. You are the sun around which I revolve, and I would have it no other way. I did not know I could love like this.