| If I
knew of a really good, encouraging, level-headed book I should advise my
readers to get it. I do not! The books and pamphlets on the
subject are legion, a barren and futile legion... |
IN every marriage,
even the most successful, a certain amount of difficulty may arise due
to that time of physiological adjustment called "The Change of Life" in
women. How many mysterious warnings exist about this, and what uncertainty
and apprehension are felt! What a cloud it has created, what a menace
towering over every woman and her love.
For the woman whose health
is not what it should be, or whose sex life has been abnormal in any way,
the period of Change of Life may be one of considerable disturbance.
I do not propose here to go into the physical disabilities so voluminously
and frequently described by writers of "sex books" for the "edification"
(or intimidation) of womankind. Almost every "sex writer" seems to
have contributed some chapter, or volume, or more on the menopause, full
of warnings, advice and hygienic instruction. If I knew of a really
good, encouraging, level-headed book I should advise my readers to get
it. I do not! The books and pamphlets on the subject are legion,
a barren and futile legion, harrying the women in their homes who have
never been wise enough or sufficiently united to turn and rout them.
Among them limps the type of milk and water encouragement telling women
that if, from their early girlhood, they did all the regulation things,
such as wearing flat heels, eating brown bread, bearing lots of children
and so on, they will have no trouble. There rampages the more "intimate"
type of book which lists and describes with a greater or less gusto, innumerable
physiological troubles, such as hot flushings, the formation of adipose
tissue and varicose veins, and innumerable other ailments which the poor
hypnotised reader cannot fail to anticipate are her almost inevitable doom. |
| ...
ask him to prescribe the necessary glandular compounds to restore their
internal glandular balance |
I should like
to clear all the rubbish away and in a few sentences only advise women
who have reason to think that the Change of Life is approaching to carry
on exactly though it were not. This is not always possible, but the
mind controls the body far more than people realise. A healthy attitude
of mind is of the first importance at such times. Then if any particular
bodily symptom troubles them at all, such as headache or indigestion, or
they notice themselves getting fatter than they like, they should go straight
to as up-to-date a medical practitioner as they can find, and ask him to
prescribe the necessary glandular compounds to restore their internal glandular
balance - that "harmony of the hormones" which may be somewhat disturbed
by the concluding phases of the active life of the ovary . A mixture
of Thyroid and Ovarian substance (ovarian extract 3 grains and thyroid
extract 1/2 grain per capsule) and some others generally prove to be the
most useful , and may be enough to restore the internal balance and hence
wonderfully to improve the appearance and health of a woman whose system
is giving trouble at the time of disturbance. |
| Any
attempt to use thyroid or other medicines or diet to reduce the figure
below the natural roundness is both silly and dangerous. |
As Blair Bell
said long ago, when there is an insufficiency of ovarian activity, the
con- sequent symptoms "can usually be effectually treated by replacing
secretions that are deficient, or by antagonising those which are excessive."
(The Sex Complex, 1916.)
As I have mentioned
fat I should perhaps be very explicit that I here mean the excess of fat
which often comes about the time of the menopause. Any attempt to
use thyroid or other medicines or diet to reduce the figure below the natural
roundness is both silly and dangerous. I think it a grievous thing
that so many beautiful young girls should be hypnotised by the unnatural
pictures and fashion plates in such decadent journals as Vogue and
its kind, to think a stark and straight even a skinny or snake-like line
are "beautiful" or smart in women. Nature intends women to be graciously
rounded however slender. Rounded contours are not only the right
and eternally true standard for woman's beauty, but they are of deep racial
significance. To adapt an old proverb, let us say, " Angular women
and crowing hens are'na canny ." If anyone tries to take thyroid
or anything else to get rid of the natural curves due to her sex she is
risking very fundamental disorders and will ultimately pay dearly for her
folly. The use of glandular extracts is only to be advised to restore
a lost balance of the internal glandular secretions; and this loss is most
likely to occur and require rectification at the menopause |
| ...the
majority of us need some help over the difficulties of readjustment to
a new phase of existence. |
The ovaries,
like many other parts of our bodies, give rise to internal secretions or
hormones, which, distributed almost universally through the system, play
their part in the controlling balance of the whole organism. It is
easy to understand that when the time comes for such important organs as
the ovaries to draw to a close their externally active life as well as
to reduce their internal activities, that unless the whole organism is
perfectly adjusted to this change, there may be various and apparently
irrelevant disturbances and upheavals. Nearly all of these can now
be almost immediately controlled and restored to normal by the administration
of the necessary internal secretions to hold the balance until the disturbing
time of Change is over, and the new type of physiological activity established.
Nature sees to this for the fortunate woman who still lives with her and
in obedience to all her laws, but alas, "civilisation" has so reduced the
number of perfectly healthy women that the majority of us need some help
over the difficulties of readjustment to a new phase of existence. |
Chronic headaches
and the formation of adipose tissue .........
....supplied with small doses of ovarian
extract and thyroid gland extract at least (and any other complementary
glandular extracts which may be indicated) |
Chronic headaches
and the formation of adipose tissue are among the most frequent afflictions
of a woman at or around the Menopause. Many women suffering from
these do nothing sensible to relieve them, and do not even hope
to escape them because their outlook has been rendered unhealthy and depressed
by all the ignorant and ugly nonsense they have read or been told about
the Menopause. But my message is one of health, of sanity,
clear-headed and happy-hearted control of the physical aspects of
life in the conscious service of the mind and spirit. For physical
disabilities, some form of physical cure or corrective is generally required,
but which to employ is only to be decided after undertaking a clear-headed
and scientific investigation of the causes. Now let us consider these
headaches and undesired fatness.
It is generally recognised,
now that the "hormones" or internal secretions are being studied, that
as the ovaries give up their special work of preparing ova for fertilisation,
and, for this purpose, cast them out periodically, they also slow up with
their continuous internal work of passing certain ovarian secretions into
the blood stream to travel all over the body and assist in the balanced
maintenance of all its parts. At the same time the thyroid gland
gets out of gear also. The lack of the accustomed amounts of the
ovarian and thyroid internal secretions allows the cells which cause the
deposition of fat to get out of hand and take too much upon themselves.
As science is showing more and more explicitly, the thyroid gives a supremely
important controlling secretion to the whole system. Hence the intelligent
woman at this time will see that her system is supplied with small doses
of ovarian extract and thyroid gland extract at least (and any other complementary
glandular extracts which may be indicated) in suitable amounts to keep
the true balance. (See p. 205.) Since the scientific
researches of professors of biological and physiological science have discovered
this new knowledge, it has rapidly been extended and rendered easy for
medical practitioners to apply, and is widely used and appreciated in most
modern schools of medicine. |
| Hair
on the face is a nightmare to thousands of women. |
A minor result
of the "Change of Life" in some women is the growth of hair on the face.
This distresses women intensely. A correspondent writes to me about
this, asking for my opinion and help: "Hair on the face is a nightmare
to thousands of women. Has it any direct connection, as is popularly
supposed, with the degeneration of the sex organs ? Do treat this
subject on first principles as I have never seen it alluded to in anything
but quack advertisements. All doctors do is to tell their patients
to try 'Electrolysis,' an expensive and by no means always successful means.
One friend of mine was scarred for life very badly over the whole lower
portion of the face by too strong a dose, given by a doctor ." |
| It
is known that neither man nor woman are "pure male" or "pure female," but
both are essentially human |
I know that
this letter does raise points of great interest to a large number of women,
and I think it is true, as my correspondent says, that no reputable information
is available. Hence I will try to deal with it on first principles
as she asks.
It is known that neither
man nor woman are "pure male" or "pure female," but both are essentially
human and in each are the rudiments of the sex organs of both sexes.
As the embryo develops the secretions of the internal glands even from
the rudimentary sex organs are hourly pouring into the blood stream "hormones"
which have controlling and formative influences on the whole bodily organism.
Some of these glands encourage, some inhibit various formations.
The comb of the cock, his crowing voice and attitude are what are called
"secondary male characteristics" ; as are, in man, the hairy chest, the
beard, the gruff voice. In the hen and in the woman such developments
are prevented by the secretions due to her femininity. In woman the
principal sex organs are the ovaries, the womb and the breasts, and the
ovarian and mammary secretions do seem to be largely, though not solely,
responsible for her feminine softness and hairlessness. Women, for
instance, with malformed or deficient ovaries have been often noted to
have incipient and even quite definite moustaches and other hair in excess
of the usual womanly facial down. |
| ...nowadays
no reputable surgeon will remove the whole of a woman's ovaries if he can
possibly avoid doing so |
Hence, at the
Menopause, when the active part of the work of the ovaries is finished,
though they remain and continue to give out secretions, they do not always
do so in the sufficient amount to control the whole organism as they did
formerly. This is true also of the mammary glands and others.
Hence, the inhibition against forming masculine characters ceasing or weakening,
they tend to develop. One result, which so distressed my correspondent
is the formation of coarse hair on the woman's face. An interesting
confirmation of this is seen in the women who have had their ovaries removed.
After the operation hair developed on the face; nowadays no reputable surgeon
will remove the whole of a woman's ovaries if he can possibly avoid doing
so. A similar effect temporarily arises in some women during pregnancy,
when the ovarian secretions are inhibited, and they develop quite a lot
of extra hair which simply falls off after lactation is concluded and the
ovaries are normally at work again. |
Do
not wait for excessive hair to develop...
...don't waste money on electrolysis |
Now for my advice
about this point to those at or approaching the Menopause. Do not
wait for excessive hair to develop, at the first indication of coarsening
hairs meet the enemy, not by defence, but by assault. Pull each out
individually yourself (don't waste money on electrolysis) with special
firm tweezers which will not merely cut it off at the base but will get
it out deeply from the root. Merely to break hairs off coarsens and
strengthens them, but to get them out whole by the roots weakens and sometimes
seems to eradicate them entirely after a few months. At any rate
the deeply pulled hair does not show itself at all again for about two
weeks. This course, however, is only a minor preliminary to the main
treatment which, logically following the idea given in the previous pages,
is to keep the internal secretions going which inhibit the formation of
hair. I should advise, therefore, daily small single doses of ovarian
and mammary extract. (ovarian extract 3 grains, mammary extract 1
or 2 grains and thyroif extract 1/2 grain per capsule). If taken in time
and before the excessive hair had grown this would tend to delay or even
prevent its appearance.
Women in whom hair has already
developed should pursue the hairs also with their own tweezers as they
show themselves again from time to time. Persistence in this course
should greatly assist, if not entirely cure the disfigurement. At
any rate it is not only more scientific but it is cheaper, safer and pleasanter
than electrolysis and other expensive treatments which foolish women are
so often persuaded to try and bitterly regret too late that they did so. |
| Almost
all the ugliness, disease and disability you see about you, supposed to
be the inevitable lot of woman, need not be. |
To me it seems
that the message to womanhood as a whole, to the mother, the working woman,
the thoughtful girl already dreading "a full-blown maturity" is a very
simple and a very hopeful and happy one. It is this : Almost all
the ugliness, disease and disability you see about you, supposed to be
the inevitable lot of woman, need not be. |
| ...the
monstrous idea that, after the Change of Life has come and passed, a woman
must necessarily cease from sex union with her husband |
One of the cruellest,
most senseless, and at the same time very widely spread rumours which is
extensively believed, and has done an incredible amount of harm in creating
unhappiness and upsetting the physical side of marriage, is the monstrous
idea that, after the Change of Life has come and passed, a woman must necessarily
cease from sex union with her husband, whatever his and her own feelings
may be! Educated and instinctively sensible people may find it difficult
to believe that such a stupid idea exists and dominates sane lives, but
I have found evidence that it does in many quarters. I have found
it believed so trustfully and implicitly by such numbers of men and women
of all social stations that I think this monstrous idea needs exposure
and investigation. A confidence from a clergyman's wife, herself
an acute sufferer from her husband 's senseless decree against all union
after she had passed the Menopause, first opened my eyes to the existence
of this barbaric silliness masquerading as "religious virtue." In
this particular instance it was peculiarly hard on the wife who was one
of the "late maturing" type of women I have described in my book Radiant
Motherhood, and she had not long properly benefited from and enjoyed
sex union before it was all put an end to by the arbitrary husband who
would no longer unite with her on the grounds that it was "against God's
law"! Although in his wife Nature herself was quite obviously showing
him that Nature's Law was for him to fulfil his marital duties. |
| I
have heard of quite young people grieving that their happy unions would
have to come to an end when the Change of Life came....Who told him the
silly lie? |
I have heard
of quite young people grieving that their happy unions would have to come
to an end when the Change of Life came, and they would thereafter have
to live side by side but no longer united in love. In some, perhaps
foolishly, sensitive and "worrying" dispositions this idea of doom, the
arbitrary extinction of what they prized before life is over, becomes almost
an obsession and haunts the happiness they should have been experiencing
unclouded by such thoughts. The husband who sighed to his wife, then
in middle age, "To think it is only for a few years more that we can hope
to be together. In a few years your Change must come and put a stop
to all this," arouses my pity and my chivalrous rage on his behalf.
Who told him the silly lie? I wonder how much immorality this
cruel and false idea has generated ! |
| ...the
false idea, planted upon Christianity by the Early Christian Fathers, and
still rampant, that sex life is a befouling thing... |
Incredible as
it may seem, this fantastic misrepresentation of physiological fact seems
to be extremely widespread among religious people. I have not traced
its origin. It looks as though it were one of the numerous by-products
of the false idea, planted upon Christianity by the Early Christian Fathers,
and still rampant, that sex life is a befouling thing only justified by
the procreation of children. Even St. Paul did not go so far but
said: "Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time."
yet innumerable priestly individuals say explicitly and in so many words
that "union for procreation only" is to be permitted.
No Church so far as I am
aware has ever been so foolish as to make an authorised pronouncement of
this monstrous misrepresentation, but it is at present undoubtedly encouraged
by some of those in high office. For instance, the Bishop of Southwark,
giving evidence before the National Birth-Rate Commisssion in1915, said:
"I have never been able to modify the view that the only thing that justifies
ultimately the intercourse between the man and the woman is the desire
to have children." When he was then asked: "Must it cease after the possibility
of children? After the natural period of child-bearing, must it cease?
he answered: "I should say so. I think if you open the door to other motives,
you are bound little by little to give the whole situation away." And to
the Chairman, he replied: "I hold that if you relax the idea that intercourse
has any other ultimate purpose behind it except the production of children,
it seems to me that you open the door to a lowering of the whole idea of
the union between the man and the woman and you lower the whole idea of
intercourse itself." (Report and Evidence of the National Birth-Rate
Commission, London,1917 pp.438-9) Note his insistence on the word lowering,
and
the mistaken and narrow idea it involves, and compare this with what I
have to say about the true orgamic life and the raising of the sex relation
to the truly scientific and idealistic attitude towards it |
| a logical
corollary of the restricted theological attitude |
It may seem
a logical corollary of the restricted theological attitude to maintain
that after the Change of Life, when union cannot lead to child-bearing,
thenceforth all further unions should be prohibited, but the whole of such
a conception is based on false teaching, which is alike ignorant of the
logical origin of sex union itself, of the physiological requirements of
individuals, and of the attendant benefits and enrichments of true sex
union throughout life. |
| Some
elderly medical practitioners..... are similar culprits |
Some elderly
medical practitioners, whose physiological teaching is tinged by "religion,"
are similar culprits in disseminating this false and immoral doctrine;
as for instance Dame Mary Scharlieb, M.D., who even wrote: "It is extremely
pathetic to find women well on to 50 years of age who are apparently as
keen on sexual enjoyment as a bride might be." (Change of Life-Its
Difficulties and Dangers, by Dr. Mary Scharlieb, Scientific Press,
Ltd. [no date], see p. 35.) I refer to this little book
by name merely to be fair to its author, and not by any means to recommend
its use, for its general hygiene seems to be nearly as unwholesome as its
sex teaching. The author surprises one for instance by saying that
the majority need "some comfortably acting and efficient laxative" instead
of giving sound instruction that from infancy onwards no healthy person
need ever use a laxative and to do so is to prove oneself incompetent in
self-management and ignorant of dietetics. |
| ..the
outlook of the primitive "dominant male" with his open contempt for women's
existence... |
Other medical
practitioners have the outlook of the primitive "dominant male" with his
open contempt for women's existence, save as a female animal. A typical
example of this is seen in the publication Woman, by Dr. Bauer,
a Viennese gynecologist. The author bespatters his book with contemptuous
sneers at woman, based on the crudities of a vulgar mind which concludes
and agrees with Weininger's dictum that "Woman is only sexual." Hence
for Dr. Bauer only the young and attractive woman exists - the others,
"old maids," artists, social workers, home-builders, wise old women - all,
that is, whose lives reveal thoughtfulness, work, and mental or spiritual
charm, are to be snuffed out of consideration. He has no respect
for age or experience, saying: "The mind of the old woman is as unattractive
as her appearance." Men of his type seem to be incapable of seeing
the exquisite beauty in the sweet and wise and tenderly loving face of
one who has been a bride, a wife, a mother, who has nursed her babies at
her breast and loved and served them, training spirits and bodies together
to a fair and triumphant youth, and who has loved and grown with her mate
to the calm sweet wisdom of spiritual and bodily maturity. |
| The
opinions of crudely material and base-minded men would not matter in the
least if... |
The opinions
of crudely material and base-minded men would not matter in the least if
it were not that they have for so long been voluble and noisy and expressive
in print and thus tended to create a degraded social outlook. It
is true they are in the minority in the medical profession, but unfortunately
the wiser ones have written so little that they have not counteracted the
impression created by such widely disseminated writings as Dr. Bauer's,
whose official position as a gynaecologist appears to give authoritative
weight to his nonsense.
As one would expect, he can
offer but little help or comfort to women at the crisis of the Menopause,
saying: "The duration of woman's active sexual life is limited. It
lasts only from the beginning of menstruation until the menopause, and
women know quite well that after this their sex life is at an end... but
she does not necessarily lose her sexual feelings and desires. On
the contrary !... many actually manifest an increase in sexual feelings....
The woman realises the significance of the menopause and its cruel consequences...
that her attraction for men will soon disappear ." The rest of the
context implying that once a woman's attraction for men is over
her life is over and the body of a live woman continuing to exist after
this time cumbereth the earth. |
| The phase of active
sex-attraction for men is past as is babyhood with its desire for rattles. |
Two questions
ask themselves immediately: Is woman's sex attraction over with the menopause?
The answer, of course, is: No. Some have no sex appeal as girls;
some never lose it. And why should a woman want to attract men
after she is a wife, a mother - perhaps a grandmother? Is her own
dear one man not more than enough to fill her days ? As I have already
shown, if the marriage rites are rightly fulfilled, she and her lover-
husband are all in all to each other, more deeply and truly one-flesh than
ever bride or unmarried lovers can be. The phase of active sex-attraction
for men is past as is babyhood with its desire for rattles. Each
has fulfilled its purpose and developed into the greater thing. The
free maiden has become part of the lasting union of an enduring passion.
It has built into the fabric of the social community a stable, bivalent
unit - a home-making, balanced, satisfied pair . Has for this pair
the joy and refreshment of mutual union to cease after the menopause has
been grown through by the woman ? |
| ...no
one but a theologian with a prudish, or a lascivious medico with a dirty
mind, and their misled dupes... |
Nonsense!
Of course not, and no one but a theologian with a prudish, or a lascivious
medico with a dirty mind, and their misled dupes would think it.
Such exceptions in what are generally helpfully disposed professions do
much to undermine the people's trust in them, and should be openly repudiated
by the clear thinkers in both professions. |
| ...she
had passed the menopause and was, therefore, able to indulge in more illicit
amours than a potentially fertile mother. |
Incidentally,
I might also counter Dr. Bauer's generalisations from an example of the
type which might appeal to him: One of the notorious, beautiful yet naughtier
ladies of high society of the last generation was commonly supposed to
be so peculiarly popular among her high-class paramours because she had
passed the menopause and was, therefore, able to indulge in more illicit
amours than a potentially fertile mother. I remember my father, who
met and admired her when she was elderly years ago, telling me that it
was the talk of the men 's clubs that this famous lady's menopause took
place at the age of 27 and left her still for a whole generation sparkling
with that "attraction for men" which Dr. Bauer says becomes extinct at
the close of the menopause. |
| ...a lasting sex-attraction
of men and women for each other which rides like a gallant barque on the
wave-crests of the various sex-crises |
One has only
to have the confidence of one's friends to know that the rich life of varied
experience, the keen intellectual interests and the buoyant sense of youth
which pervades humanity today find their natural culmination in a lasting
sex-attraction of men and women for each other which rides like a gallant
barque on the wave-crests of the various sex-crises, such as defloration,
pregnancy, child-birth, to say nothing of the minor but repeated billows
of menstrual tides, through the storm of the Menopause to the calmer, steadier,
sunnier sea of the shores of the home land till they cast anchor in the
harbour, secure in the possession of an indestructible love. |
| "To
maintain her charms, woman must first of all be allowed the ability to
work and to act.... |
Contrast with
Dr. Bauer's basely material attitude the nobler erogamic ideas expressed
by America's famous psychologist, Prof. G. Stanley Hall : "Thus
and thus only can the human male be given immunity from his polygamous
instincts, by realising on how low a level his habitual satisfaction has
been sought and how vastly higher and larger a gratification that is really
sacramental can be... the charm of wives who can restrain and then wisely
bring their spouse to a consummation that so compensates for infrequency,
is nearing the great goal and is giving wedded life its larger orbit.
How the world needs again the wisdom of matrons, the counsel of Plato's
wise senescent women, the need of which has long been felt but sometimes
ignorantly branded as weird and even witch-like!" (Morale, The
Supreme Standard of Life and Conduct, 192O, Appleton & Co.)
And the even more beautiful conception given to the public earlier by Finot
(Problems of the Sexes, 1913) : "To maintain her charms, woman must
first of all be allowed the ability to work and to act. Let us open
the windows of her dwelling and permit the echoes of life to penetrate
within. Then, instead of a half-dead being prematurely snatched from
life, we shall find a creature of heart and reason... the ugliness of the
prematurely aged woman will give place to a creature of unsuspected qualities,
who will gladden and adorn our existence.... Let us consider the twofold
decadence of the man who, on reaching a decisive turning-point in his life,
is still disturbed by the need of emotions. He seeks and believes
he finds these in the poisoned springs of a youth which degrades itself
by the contact with senility and impels him towards his ruin. But
here a new secret garden of woman is offered to him. He will behold
the one whom he has never yet seen, beautiful with a new beauty, revealing
the riches of an inner life." |
| ..a very large number
of women begin, after the Change of Life, for the first time really to
enjoy their sex spontaneously and happily... |
As a matter
of fact, a very large number of women begin, after the Change of Life,
for the first time really to enjoy their sex spontaneously and happily.
I even know a woman, aged 60, who for the first time at that age began
to enjoy sex union. She was vital, charming and happy in it then
and her husband's passion and delight in her increased after that age.
This woman is not at all
abnormal ; others are like her, although she was a little unfortunate in
having to wait so long for the true realisation and enjoyment of the natural
physiological process of sex union. There are many who, having enjoyed
it but little in their youth and early middle age, after the freedom from
anxiety of the menstrual period with its recurrent tendency somewhat to
reduce the vitality, benefit when the natural vitality of the system tends
to accumulate instead of waste, and they derive more spontaneous gaiety
and real benefit from sex union than ever before. Women who have
thoughtfully observed themselves and have had the confidence of others
assure me that it is a usual thing both for sex desire and the capacity
to give and to receive enjoyment from unions to be increased rather than
diminished after the climacteric. It is impossible to say at what
age this natural spontaneous benefit from and enjoyment in sex union comes
to an end. It is recorded that an old lady when asked at the age
of 80, at what time a woman ceased to enjoy union with her spouse replied:
"You must ask someone older than I; I do not yet know." |
| In any case
the waning of desire is mostly very gradual, and the enjoyment even less
so. |
Dr Havelock
Ellis, in his classical six-volumed work on the Psychology of Sex, says
that there appear to have been but few systematic observations on the persistence
of the sex impulse in women after the menopause. It is regarded as
a fairly frequent phenomenon by Kisch, and also by Lowenfeld, and Bloom
in America recorded a woman of 79, twenty years past the menopause, who
said that both desire and gratification were as great or greater than before
the menopause.
Dr. Maxwell Telling informs
me that he agrees fully with this view, adding: "I have been researching
on this point for many years, and I am quite satisfied as a result of direct
enquiry. In any case the waning of desire is mostly very gradual, and the
enjoyment even less so." |
| ...since losing
my dear husband a few years ago I so often have acute sexual feelings.. |
A case of my
own raises this problem in another form. Mrs. A. stating: "I
am a widow, with a grown-up family and since losing my dear husband a few
years ago I so often have acute sexual feelings and I wondered at my age
(66) if it should be encouraged or repressed ... or if you could prescribe
anything to give me just a little satisfaction at such times as I do not
care to discuss the subject with my own medical man."
The idea of an elderly woman
enjoying sex life appears to some common minds as somewhat grotesque and
revolting, because they think of it in terms of crude bodily action.
But if Darby and Joan, having grown together all their lives, mingling
the mental and spiritual needs still find delight and mutual enrichment
in their unions, it is surely a thing of beauty. |
| I can give first-hand
records of real cases which should be valuable. |
The duration
of the Change is another point about which people desire information.
I have read much about the "Change" or Menopause, innumerable learned pronouncements
as well as popular books and booklets addressed to women readers, and in
none of them is there the direct, first-hand evidence of what healthy,
normal women have felt and experienced which one desires to have.
I cannot speak from personal experience, but I can give first-hand records
of real cases which should be valuable. Some of the actual data given
me in confidence in answer to a secret questionnaire I drew up are as follows:-
Mrs. A.
B. "The disturbance of the Menopause began at 42, and was not
quite over by 55. Sex desire was there all the time, and afterwards
pleasure in union would have been as great or greater than before but for
ignorance. Yes, spontaneous desire did arise at regular rhythmic
periods afterwards, much as it did before. These phases of desire
continued longer than before, when the period brought relief. Thought
that it was wrong and unwise to enjoy sex union afterwards and so suffered
greatly ."
Mrs. A. F.
"The disturbance of the Menopause began at 43 and lasted five years.
Sex desire did not cease during that period. Afterwards, pleasure
in sex union was probably greater. No, no rhythmic periods of desire
could be detected. Desire was generally dormant but ready to be elicited
and quick to respond. My husband had no idea that desire might return
after the Menopause and expected it to cease altogether, and doubted whether
it ought to be evoked or satisfied. Happy unions took place somewhat
less frequently than formerly, perhaps once a week and occasionally more
often, sometimes less. An even deeper joy and freedom in union was
experienced than before, because one had no thought of consequences.
Years of restraint, caution, withdrawal and so forth were superseded by
absolute disregard of results. Hence the coitus was unimpeded and
in consequence much more satisfying. There was the sensation of relief
that nothing could happen which added to the pleasure."
A healthy, unmarried woman,
Miss
X replied: "Disturbance of the Menopause between the ages of 49 and
54 when period ceased; disturbance lasted between two and three years longer.
During the Menopause desire never left so far as recollection goes, and
was certainly more active during the period of change, causing depression
through repression and lack of understanding. Spontaneous desire
was always dormant but spontaneously arising at intervals and more consciously
so than before."
These random cases conflict
with the "learned" pronouncement ex-cathedra of the gynecologist
who said: "It is customary to speak of the 'years' of the Change of Life,
but why 'years' is not clear.... This process cannot take years; it is
at most a matter of about ten months." (Dr. Bauer, Women, Engl.
transl. 1926.) While this may often be true, it is certain
that a lengthy "change" is also commonly experienced, as in the three typical
cases, chosen at random, showing that each took a good many years to pass
through the disturbances of the Menopause. |
| ...all three cases
testify to the continuance of sex desire all through and after the Menopause |
Of more vital
interest is the fact that all three cases testify to the continuance of
sex desire all through and after the Menopause. Though I have
a good deal of evidence about women who pass through a phase of revulsion
towards sex life at this time, I think it is certainly true of the majority
of normally healthy women that the capacity for, the enjoyment of and the
benefit derived from sex unions after the Menopause are all maintained
or increased. Were this universally understood, respected and utilised,
how much added charm, stability and joy would life hold for maturing married
couples! I know men who have been driven directly into the arms of
prostitutes because of the idea that after the Menopause sex life
with their own wives must finish. It is a commonplace among those
who are best qualified to know that the institution of prostitution is
very materially supported by married men whose wives are over 45.
The repressed, disheartened, needlessly saddened lives of women with living
husbands, who are deprived more acutely than are widows, must be counted
in myriads through the ages. Why? Because of the false teaching
of ignorant theologians which chanced to coincide with the disturbed attitude
of mind of some miserable women during the Menopause. Verily the
volume of the needless woe and ill-health in the world makes me weep for
humanity. Who so deserving censure as he, whether teacher or priest,
who has tampered with and barred the natural and spontaneous love-expressions
between married lovers and thus sown seeds of misery in innumerable and
unexpected places? |
| ...may take
place at such an early date that a very large proportion of her married
life is that continuing after the Change |
That the Change
of Life in woman may take place at such an early date that a very large
proportion of her married life is that continuing after the Change is seen
by the fact that many women have had the Change by the age of 35.
I rather fancy our grandmothers, on the whole, had it earlier than people
do today. The average age seems to be in the late forties and early
fifties, and where a woman's vitality is very strong, her health good,
and constitution sound, she may not anticipate it until the middle or late
fifties. I think that the "late maturing type" I detected, and have
described in Radiant Motherhood, has the Menopause later than other women.
Two women of this type known to me were nearing 60 before the Change was
completed. Whatever time the Change of Life comes, it has a few features
which probably will be found to be almost universal, and which it may be
of service, both to the husband and to the wife, to know. |
| ...the liability
to become unexpectedly pregnant after the Change has passed.. |
I have often
been consulted about one point, the liability to become unexpectedly pregnant
after the Change has passed. It may be useful, therefore, to consider
what are the outward phenomena connected with the Change of Life.
The main physiological effect (the only one which is apparent in a perfectly
healthy, well-balanced woman) is that the monthly flow of menstruation
gradually reduces itself and then perhaps for a few months becomes erratic,
and finally ceases. I will leave it to the hectic books on the subject
to describe the difficulties of this process such as hemorrhage, etc.,
which some women experience. I am sure that there is no necessity
for this if they are sufficiently intelligent to prevent anemia and to
take compensating compounds. The period of disturbance of the "Change,"
however, is generally considered to be concluded and done with when the
menstrual flow has entirely ceased; and when, say, for two or three months
the menses have not put in an appearance, the woman generally considers
the Change over. If, as is likely at this stage, she has for some
time past decided that it was not in the interests of the child or of her
existing family to have a late baby, she probably has been using some birth
control or contraceptive method to prevent conception. When the monthly
period ceases she stops this, and to her intense astonishment, perhaps
a year, perhaps even after two years from the cessation of the menstrual
flow, she finds herself pregnant . She is amazed, perhaps terrified,
and thinks it "unnatural." Now the reason for the possibility of
such pregnancy is that, the ovaries were still active, although
the red coloured menstrual flow, which is the outward sign, and which is
all that the majority of people reckon with in connection with a woman's
rhythmic sex life, had ceased. This outward and visible sign is however
only a subsidiary physiological feature correlated with but not an inherent
part of the life of the ovaries, and it is in the ovaries themselves that
the egg-cells are produced. The egg-cells, which come from alternate
ovaries once each month, travel down to the womb and are fertilised on
their outward way. These ova are minute colourless, invisible specks
of jelly and are expelled from the ovaries and lost into the outer world
without the knowledge of the woman at all. |
| Menstruation
is an outward sign of what is going on, but it is not essential |
It happens during
most of the life of a woman the coloured menstrual flow is correlated with
this
process of the ovaries. Menstruation is an outward sign of what
is going on, but it is not essential, and after the menstrual flow has
entirely ceased, for a year or two (I am not sure but I think three years
the maximum of extended fertility) the ovaries may continue to expel the
colourless egg-cells which are fertilisable and which may establish an
embryo and give rise to a perfectly successful baby. Therefore, I
should advise every woman whose health or circumstances would make a late
pregnancy a misfortune, to continue with any birth control method she has
been using for a full three years after the Change of Life. |
| It almost
appears as though there is a last spurt (one might call it) of potential
fertility for a few months or a year or two just after the Change |
On the other
hand, this affords a certain amount of hope and encouragement to those
who passionately want a child, and who have never yet conceived.
For instance Mrs. T ., who married very late and was not very actively
disturbed by sex life, was childless until just after the Change of Life,
when she suddenly conceived the intensely desired baby. It almost
appears as though there is a last spurt (one might call it) of potential
fertility for a few months or a year or two just after the Change.
Then a word of advice to husbands is in place here. So many cases
are known to me during the Change of Life or while it was incipient when
the woman went through certain more or less natural reactions - reactions
which I think would not manifest themselves had her sex life been entirely
normal and perfectly happy, and had her health been perfect, but which,
owing to the general imperfections of the current world do arise.
Sometimes for a while (it may be a matter of a few months or it may be
for a year or more) the woman feels wearied by sex, a little tired, overstrung,
and not in the mood to be approached. She may ask, as I know Mrs.
M. demanded of her husband, that she should be "let alone" and that
he should expect no further married unions or wifely "duty ." Few
reasonable men will refuse such a request and force themselves like bullies
and tyrants on an unwilling wife, and they make the best they can of it,
according to their type and circumstances. |
| ...that they trained
themselves by one or other of the means of self-control to do without sex
union. |
Mr. M., I regret
to say, was so strongly sexed that he regularly employed prostitutes a
couple of times a week, but other men known to me have felt themselves
getting a little older and the insistent need of sex experience less strong.
Then it was that they trained themselves by one or other of the means of
self-control to do without sex union. But thereafter comes the difficult
time for the wife. Some months, a year, two years or later, when
the Change of Life is accomplished, her balance restored, her vitality
and potentialities accumulating, she becomes once more a normally sexed
creature. Then she is touchingly, even romantically eager to resume
the relation with her husband which had been broken off at her own request. |
| ...such a change
of attitude towards sex life and a restoration towards the normal happiness
is quite usual... |
The case of
Mrs. Q. rises to my mind in this connection. With all the finality
that the lonely mood generated by her physiological state seemed to justify,
she emphasised and insisted to her husband that their sex life was over.
She claimed that they must in future be merely the parents of their growing
family, and that for them union was for ever concluded. The husband
acquiesced: but two years afterwards the wife came to me in a state of
acute despair, asking for advice as to how she could possibly proceed to
get back her husband, to give him still what was obviously required, and
what she herself was now only too eager to give spontaneously and happily.
Yet she felt too shamefaced to confess and explain how profoundly she had
misunderstood herself and the situation when she had made her emphatic
decree a couple of years before. Fortunately by the simple expedient
of being entirely frank with her husband, supported by my testimony that
such a change of attitude towards sex life and a restoration towards the
normal happiness is quite usual, the pair entered upon a later phase of
their lastingly happy marriage. |
| Advice
to husbands |
My advice, therefore,
to husbands whose wives are entering upon, or passing through, this period
of Change is to realise that this phase of temporary repugnance, sometimes
very emphatically expressed, may be experienced by their wives, and that,
although they must not at the time endeavour to persuade them that they
are wrong or to override their wishes, they should treat them with added
consideration and apparent agreement so far as it is possible. Let
them meet protestations of finality with a loving smile and "Let us wait
and see," rather than an attempt to override their arguments at this time.
This would be tactful and likely in the end to be successful. Then,
after some months or a year or so, it is more than probable that the normal
marriage relation may be not only successfully, but very happily resumed.
It is important, therefore, that the husband in the meantime should not
be disheartened, and not do what Mr, M. did and break up the married unity
by going elsewhere. He should not for a moment consider that the
true inner aspects of marriage had come to an end, and although he may
have a temporarily difficult time, I think it is generally true of a worth-while
man that difficulty does not daunt him when there is a reasonable chance
of success in overcoming the difficulties, and in this connection I say
emphatically there is. |