It wasn�t until we entered the lift and Colonel O�Neill pressed the button to take us to the top floor that I frowned and felt my contented mood slip a little. This was the way to the exit of the SGC, to the surface of the planet.
�C-colonel O�Neill?� I fought to remain calm, trusting the Colonel to keep me safe and yet I couldn�t suppress the nagging doubt in my mind. Maybe this was a punishment for upsetting Nurse Rush � maybe I was to sleep outside tonight. I sighed, that was okay. I deserved it.
�Huh?� The Colonel looked at my quizzically but I just shook my head sadly, having figured it out.
�It doesn�t matter.� I said quietly and the Colonel just placed a comforting arm round my shoulder.
�It�s alright, kiddo.� He said, squeezing my upper arm. �There�s nothing to be afraid of.�
So, I figured, no nocturnal creatures - that was good. I wondered how cold the planet was at night, how many moons there were, what the constellations would look like � if you could even see stars from this place. I hoped so. During those long, freezing nights the stars had been my only comfort as I felt my body succumb to the familiar state of hypothermia. As I had lain there, numb and helpless, my thoughts twisted to delusions by the cold, the stars had seemed to melt into one bright light. And, for some reason, it wasn�t so bad anymore and I could almost imagine there was someone watching out for me, caring about me. I couldn�t think who or what that might be but it had helped me a little.
�OK, kiddo.�
I pulled myself back to the present as Colonel O�Neill and I stepped out of the lift. The Colonel placed his and on my shoulder and bent his knees a little so he was staring me in the eyes. I knew this meant I had concentrate on what he was saying.
�We�re gonna go outside now.� He started and I nodded in understanding. I already knew this but I was glad he was willing to explain what he was going to do. Perhaps I would know how long I would be outside for - that might make the night a little better.
�We won�t go too far and you won�t have to talk to anyone. It�s best if you don�t say anything for now, alright? You do know, you can�t mention the Stargate or the quantum mirror if we see any civilians? It�s vital that you keep it a secret.�
I nodded firmly, clenching my fist.
�I won�t tell them anything, Colonel.� I promised. �Even if they torture me.�
The Colonel winced at this and then ruffled my hair.
�Good kid.� He smiled sadly. �But it won�t come to that. Just stick by me and you�ll be fine.�
I nodded and straightened at the command.
�Yes Sir.� I replied strongly and then faltered. Stick by Colonel O�Neill�.Did that mean? �S-sir?� I ventured timidly and the Colonel nodded. �Will�.will you be sleeping outside too?�
There was nothing that could have prepared me for the look in the Colonel�s eyes as he heard my sentence. He swallowed heavily and looked like he was about to be sick.
�No!� He shook his head violently and I took a frightened step back.
�I-I didn�t me-mean to��
�God, Quinn.� I was near helpless as he pulled me close to him. �Is that really what you think of me? You think I�d drag you all the way up here and make you sleep outside!� His voice was saturated with disbelief and I suddenly felt very sick as I realised I might have made a terrible mistake. �It�s Winter and it�s night time�Quinn, it�s freezing out there!�
�But�I�deserve it. I upset�th-the Nurse.�
�Fucking Hell...�
I had no idea what that meant but it was delivered with such a sense of weariness and frustration that I knew I had upset the Colonel deeply.
�Don�t you know by now that�s not how we do things here? You know I�d never do that to Teal�c or Sam, don�t you?�
I nodded earnestly.
�I�I know that, Sir�but��
�But what, kiddo?� His voice was softer now as he took in the extent of my distress.
�But they�re not slaves.�
I only dared deliver it in a whisper, somehow knowing that it would upset the Colonel but I had to tell him why I thought these things. I knew he wasn�t a cruel man, I knew he would never treat another person that way. But I wasn�t exactly a person was I?
�Dammit, Quinn.� I felt him sigh, a weary, exhausted sigh and that guilty feeling was back. I hated causing people this much sorrow. I just didn�t understand what to say sometimes. Doctor Janet had said I should say what was on my mind but�look where being honest and asking questions got me. If I had just stayed silent�
�Look. I know you get a pretty screwed up idea of what�s going on and what people mean sometimes�� O�Neill�s voice was quieter now and had lost some of it�s shocked edge from before.
�And it�s brave of you to talk about it. It can�t be an easy thing to deal with and it ain�t good for ya to keep that all cooped up in there.�
Jack tapped the side of my head with his index finger.
�It�s just, we don�t have things like this on our planet and�the things that have been done to you, Quinn, are horrific by Earth standards so sometimes what you�re thinking takes me and Carter and all the others by surprise.�
�Oh.� I murmured quietly as I thought over the Colonel�s words. �I-it�s all I�ve ever known.� I tried to explain. �It�s hard to think of things being different.�
The Colonel�s eyes grew sad at this and he looked away slightly. I sighed.
�It�s alright.� I tried to reassure him, trying to mimic the cheerful tone he often. �I won�t talk about it again.� I promised but this just made him sigh and I frowned. What was I supposed to do? Major Carter had made it clear that sexual favours weren�t wanted.
�Fer cryin� out loud, Quinn.� I winced at the Colonel�s tone but I was glad he was finally speaking again. I wasn�t used to him being silent for so long.
�Don�t you ever think of being just a little bit selfish?�
I frowned intensely at this question.
�Selfish, Sir? Why�why would I want�� I just trailed off, unable to figure out the Colonel�s trail of thought.
�What I mean is�You always think of other people before yourself � it wouldn�t do you any harm to think of your own needs once in a while ya know?�
I just swallowed and then shook my head a fraction � as much as I dared. I saw the Colonel�s brow furrow with concern but his eyes prompted me to speak.
�But that�s not what I was made for, Sir.�
I needed water. My throat hurt so much I wanted to cry but my body was about the equivalent of a 5 year old Earth child at this stage and I knew it would only result in another punishment. I already bore scars from many other beatings and I felt so sick and weak I didn�t think I would survive another. But it was when the trainer handed me a glass of ice cool water that I really struggled not to cry. This must be some sort of reward and that meant I had been good. For once I had been good and I felt happy despite the dizziness and headache I was feeling. I closed my eyes in anticipation as I lifted the glass to my lips and therefore never saw the trainer�s hand smack me round the back of the head. I felt it though as it sent me tumbling to the ground. My ears were ringing from the impact and I only just heard the glass smash. The sound however cut straight through me. The water! The water had gone. I couldn�t hold back the tears of frustration this time as I turned to the guard with wide, desperate eyes that pleaded �why?�.
�You�re supposed to ASK if anyone else wants the water first you selfish bastard! You�re a kelownan, your needs come last!�
I cringed at the words. I thought I had been good�I thought it was a reward. I didn�t say any of this, I just sniffed and choked out the words.
�I�m sorry, Sir.� Through a dry throat.
�Now, we will try again.� He said handing me another glass and I gazed at the contents longingly, closing my eyes and trying my best to speak.
�W-would anyone like this water, Sirs?� I squeezed my eyes closed, praying the answer would be no but instead I was greeting with the smug voice of the trainer.
�Why yes I would, thank you, 0823.� When I opened my eyes to look at him he was smirking and I couldn�t hold back a sob. Why? Why give it to me if he just wanted it back? Why were they doing this to me? What had I done? I turned my face away as the guard took a long, slow gulp of the water and then poured the rest slowly onto the floor in front of me.
�Perhaps if you�d got it right the first time �23 I wouldn�t have had to do that.�
I just nodded, staring desperately at the water, another blow and I was back on the floor.
�Thank me for teaching you a lesson!�
I flinched back from the guard and kept my eyes rooted on the floor as I mumbled.
�Thank you for teaching me not to be selfish, Sir.�
�Come on, Quinn, stay with me.�
A hand on the back of my head jolted me out of the flashback and I flinched away from it instinctively.
�Please, I�m sorry, I�ll ask first next time!� I could feel my chest heaving as I stumbled away from Colonel O�Neill � feeling every bit like that little child from my flashback. I gasped when I felt the cold, metal wall against my back and I felt myself start trembling.
�Quinn, come on � stick with me.� My body stiffened automatically at the command and I slowly started to calm a little though I was still breathing harshly with shock.
�Come on, settle down, it�s okay, Quinn.�
The Colonel was approaching me slowly and I nodded jerkily to try and show I knew who he was and what was happening.
�Alright. Easy does it.� He soothed pulling me into a hug and I allowed myself to relax a little in the sturdiness of his embrace.
�I just wanted a drink of water.� I tried to explain, �I wasn�t being selfish.� I wanted him to see, to understand.
�I was good. I wanted to be good.�
�Alright, alright.� He soothed, although I now realised he just wanted to calm me down. �Jesus, Quinn�� I could hear him whisper as I clutched his jacket in my fists. ��what�s going on there?� I felt his finger and my temple again and I just shook my head as I moved out of his arms.
�Please, Jack, Sir � I don�t want to talk about it. I don�t want to remember anymore. Please�I don�t want to�I don�t�don�t make me talk about it.�
�Hey, slow down there. I�m not a shrink you know.� A slight laugh and I immediately felt a little better. The Colonel was laughing, I had no idea what a shrink was but if it made him happy and meant I didn�t have to talk about my past again then it was a good thing.
�Thank you, Colonel O�Neill.� I sighed with relief.
�Alright, you still want to go outside? You look like you could use a bit of fresh air.�
I could still go outside even if I didn�t have to sleep there? Even after upsetting Colonel O�Neill?
�Yes, Sir. Yes please.�
The Colonel just smiled and ruffled my hair, now I knew he was back in his good mood.
�Alright kiddo, time to bust out of here.�