At first I revelled in the size of my new dwelling. I lay on the floor spread-eagled and none of my limbs touched a wall � it was heaven. And as I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply I could feel the slight headache I had felt building start to dissipate � the thick walls of my new home blocking out the hustle and bustle of the busy SGC.
And I did enjoy it�.for a while.
I was quite happy to rearrange the coverings on my bed for a while but that quickly became pointless. I spent some time stacking the books Major Carter had leant me on my new bookshelf but there was only four and only so many ways four books can be positioned on a 3 shelf bookcase.
But it wasn�t boredom that made me feel uncomfortable. After spending a lot of my life locked, alone in a dark room this place was a haven of stimulation and there were far too many thoughts and questions buzzing around in my brain to allow me to feel bored.
No, for once this was an emotion I could recognise easily � loneliness. Whilst I knew the Earthlings had left me here to sleep and to get used my new home I couldn�t help the feeling of abandonment that simmered in me. I knew it was an irrational feeling and that just made me feel worse.
I could hear muffled sounds of conversation through the room�s thick walls and my eyes strayed over to the door. It would be so easy to just walk over and open it � to step out into the hubbub of the SGC, where someone, anyone might notice me and perhaps ease this feeling of isolation. Yet it was so very hard as well. I frowned a little as my brain began processing scenarios, the worst possible ones. This strategic ability had served me well through my life back on Kelowna, keeping me alive with a lot of masters who wanted me dead. The situation was not so dire here but I still couldn�t stop the steady flow of thoughts echoing in my head. Had Colonel O�Neill given me permission to leave? Would I be able to find my way back? What if I was being kept here for a reason?
Yet I knew every problem I thought of was really just an excuse to mask the real problem � that I was afraid to go out there alone. The stares of the cooks still bored holes in the back of my mind, haunting my every choice. How did I know that others wouldn�t react in a similar way? Colonel O�Neill had been there that time, people might not be so afraid to get physical if he wasn�t present. And yet as I thought of the Colonel I could see his determined face and I tried to school my features into the same expression. Colonel O�Neill wouldn�t be frightened in this situation. Colonel O�Neill would tackle his fears head on.
And I wanted to be like that � I really did. And as I walked over to the metal door, my hand only mere centimetres from the door handle I knew if I didn�t face this fear I would always think of myself as weak.
And perhaps after all that emotional build up I was expecting something a little more dramatic to happen once I stepped out of the room than simply hearing the door slam shut behind me. There was no one about in the corridor and therefore no one to even notice my entrance. I had kind of been counting on my fear being there in order for me to face it. Now faced with an empty corridor I realised a rather sad truth � I had nowhere to go.
I was considering which of the 3 directions I should pick to travel in when a female voice interrupted my thoughts.
�Jonas!�
I span around at the voice, it was excited yet confused at the same time. My slightly greying eyes were met with the sight of a beautiful young woman in civilian clothes. Her eyes were wide with surprise and her face held a wide yet confused smile.
�Oh my God! Jonas, you�re back! I don�t believe it!�
It soon hit me with sickening clarity exactly what this young woman was thinking as she raced towards me � her handbag discarded on the floor, the contents spilled everywhere as she advanced towards me. I anted to step back, away from her but I couldn�t seem to move. I was frozen as if this was a dream, or nightmare perhaps.
�I can�t believe you�re alright! Oh God Jonas��
I felt her arms fall round my shoulders in an embrace as she pulled my face close to hers. I could feel her tears against my cheek as she whispered in my ear.
�I�m so glad you�re okay.�
It was at this point I finally got my thoughts together enough to speak but all I managed to stammer out was.
��No��
�Jonas?� I felt her body tense as she pulled back, looking me straight in the eyes. It was then she noticed the scars on my face and her expression quickly turned from confusion to horror as she reached out a slender hand to trace the old wounds.
�Oh God, Jonas. What did she do to you?�
�I�� I jerked my head away sharply, knowing I didn�t deserve this compassion. Knowing I had to tell this person the truth, no matter how much it would hurt them.
�I�I�m not Jonas.� My voice was strained as I swallowed past a lump in my throat and I saw the woman�s eyebrows knit together in a frown. How was I supposed to explain this situation to her when I barely understood it myself?
�Jonas, what?� She was still frowning but smiling slightly � it broke my heart to see her still clinging to that desperate hope. �What are you talking about?�
�I�Jonas Quinn�he-I�m not�� I took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to relax enough to explain myself.
�Jonas, Sweety, maybe we should take you to Doctor Fraiser��
Her voice was gentle but her sudden grip on my hand was firm. I knew what she thought. She thought that I, Jonas to her, was mentally unstable. My next comment of-
�I�m from another reality.�
Didn�t help matters much either as she pulled me towards the infirmary with a reply of
�Yes of course you are.�
It was then that I saw Major Carter again for the first time since Jonas� office. Her eyes were red and puffy and I could tell she had cried some more since I had told her about Kelowna. I couldn�t bear to listen to the confused comments of the young woman who was so convinced her friend had been found and I accepted the books Major Carter had been carrying wordlessly and stumbled back to my room, not bothering to listen to her instructions.
And as I closed the door to my room behind me and slumped down against the cold, harsh steel, the books scattered about my feet I cried for the very first time since this whole thing happened. I cried for the first time in a very long while. This time there was no punishment for my tears � just the overwhelming feeling of isolation and guilt, ten times stronger than when I had walked out that door only�.I glanced up at the clock�ten minutes previously. Ten minutes? Was that all it took for me to destroy someone�s happiness. Guilt was another emotion unfamiliar to me and I decided it was worse than any of the others yet.
I didn�t move from that spot for nearly half an hour. I was content to just sit and cry, it was as if the emotions I had built up over the last 6 years came out and I allowed myself a little self-indulgence as I shed tears about how life was always so unfair, no matter what reality you were in.
If it wasn�t for Colonel O�Neill knocking on the door I might not have moved at all that night.
As I heard the knocking at the door, I furiously wiped away my tears and tried to force my eyes to their normal green. It was no use of course, knowing Colonel O�Neill you all know he saw right through it the minute I opened the door, and I could his eyes shimmer sadly as he moved to sit down beside me against the door once I had closed it.
�Sam tells me you had a bit of an incident.� He started as I sat down beside him but his voice wasn�t angry or accusing � if anything he sounded upset for me. I nodded sadly, feeling the guilt I had manage to forget about with my tears rise up again.
�I just wanted to meet people.� I sighed mournfully. �I�I thought everyone here knew��
�I know kiddo. I know you did. Most people do.� He assured me. �Nurse Rush has just been on holiday this past week. She just came back right now.�
�Back to�this.� I gestured angrily at myself. �I�� I turned to the Colonel wanting to confess, to get rid of some of gnawing guilt. �Colonel�Jack�I- I thought about pretending to be him.�
I was expecting an uproar from Colonel O�Neill about the very idea that I would consider pretending to be Jonas but instead he just smiled wisely.
�I know you did, Kiddo � of course you did.�
I frowned at this causing Jack to smile even more.
�It�s because you�re a good person, Quinn. You don�t like to see people upset and suffering.� He explained as he patted me on the shoulder.
�I wanted to make her happy again.� I explained in agreement. �I didn�t want to be�to be the reason someone was unhappy.�
�That�s where you and Jonas are so alike you see.� He explained and I sighed quietly. �But in the end you did what he would have done, you picked the right choice, you didn�t pretend because you knew it would hurt her more in the long run, right?�
I just nodded and then sighed again glumly.
�What�s up?� The Colonel seemed confused by my sudden depression and I felt a little selfish gladness that for once he wasn�t able to read me like an open book.
�I�sometimes I�I wish people wouldn�t compare me with him all the time.� The Colonel gave a small chuckle and I frowned angrily that he would find my depression funny.
�What?� I snapped angrily and The Colonel shook his head and replied.
�It�s too ironic.�
I frowned a little, I didn�t really understand the concept of irony and I felt my anger dissipate a little, replaced again by curiosity and a little humour at the Colonel�s wry smile.
�Tell me.� I said although it was a request, I wasn�t brave enough yet to order the Colonel around.
�You promise you won�t hit me?� It was a joke, but the idea was so absurd I couldn�t help snorting with laughter.
�I promise.�
�Well�� The Colonel started with a fake-nervous sigh. �What you said about people comparing you � that�s exactly what Jonas used to say about someone else.� He pretended to flinch but even I could see the funny side and all of a sudden I was laughing. It felt good to laugh after all those tears and I felt my anger disappear as I asked.
�Who?�
This time I could see the Colonel�s eyes grow a little sad as he got to feet and pulled me to mine.
�Come on.� He said, opening the door as I picked up my books, �It�s about time you learned about another friend of the SGC.�