IV Talk Show

Boy, was I embarrassed! Was I embarrassed or what?! I might have been naked!

"Damon's question please!" said the MC.

"Well sir," I spluttered before billions, trying not to squeak, "Er, Mr Eleutherius sir, can you tell me about those cool shades you are wearing, what they made of, and do you ever take them off?"

I sat down. Phew!! And then a pause as this was translated and beamed up to the ISS, where Mr Eleutherius was floating in a square fish tank. Soon after he started working those tentacles, his reply came out as subtitles on a huge screen, read by an actor.

"Thank you Damon," he started, "I'm glad you asked me that. Your kind of light is just too strong for me. I'd like to show you how much the lights must be turned down before I can take the shades off." I then realised this was all part of the script.

"Turn down the lights please," said the MC. Both concert hall and space station were dimmed, dimmed and dimmed some more. The crown murmured as their normal vision went pitch black, but soon we all had our night eyes. And there was Mr Eleutherius glowing in the darkness, and astronauts holding some kind of dim water lanterns. The big squid then lifted a tentacle and removed his shades, big as they were, because his eyes were huge. They blinked.

"Thanks. This is much more comfortable," he said with signing arms, holding up the glasses with a third. "These are actually of Europan manufacture, a fused crystalline mineral. I've seen some of the many nice things you outerworlders can make, but these fit me perfectly, although they are rather heavy." To our surprise, the lights stayed down and he hooked the shades to a rest.

"I hope that answers your question, Damon" he said.

I stammered, "Yes, thank you!"

"Next question please," said the MC, "from Mr. Abdullah Pervez."

There was then a slight pause, the first non-scripted part of the event, as Eleutherius told the astronauts something, and an order came through to turn up the lights slightly, enough that we could see a little better, but Mr E. still didn't need his shades.

"I'm sorry, Mr Pervez," said the MC, cutting him off in mid- "wha-".

Eleutherius added, "When you come to see me, Damon, you may take these away with you. I have a spare pair. They might make an interesting souvenir."

"Thank you again, Sir!" Wow!

"OK," said the MC. "Now, Mr Pervez."

The Afghan smiled and we exchanged a flash of nervousness. "Excuse me, Mr Eleutherius," he said, "but has your planet ever known War?"

"Thank you for asking me that, Abdullah," said the octopus, "the simple answer is, yes it has. Even today, there are conflicts and crime, as I'm told occur on your own planet, but we have had planetary government for many centuries now, and unauthorised aggression is always quickly dealt with. In past eras of War, the casualties were great, the weapons cruel. The seas were green with blood..." And he trailed off into thought. The astronauts seemed to know something they weren't telling us. One pulled Mr E. from his daydream. "Oh, I'm sorry," he said. "Well, we can't invade your planet - the gravity would kill us!"

He changed colour and started a weird shaking, which came out on the screen as "ha ha ha." Even the actor let on his doubts as people laughed along nervously, except the astronauts, who were killing themselves.

"Seriously though," said Mr E, "if you come to Europa now, I guarantee you will find it a friendly, peaceful place. I hope that answers your question."

"Er yes, thank you," said Abdullah, uncertainly.

"OK. Next question please," said the MC, "from Helene."

This chick asked another kid question like mine, but in French, which was translated again.

"You have three hearts," she said. "How do you relate them to your loved ones?"

"Thank you Helene. It appears that the heart is a universal organ of love, and I'm sorry that you have only one of them. For us, the two branchial hearts are dedicated to each parent, while the systemic heart is for one's spouse or sweetheart only. Does that answer your question?"

"Mais oui monsieur! Merci beaucoup," said little Helene, flushed.

The MC worked his way through the prize-winning questions - 20 adults, 20 kids and 20 deaf people, mostly adult. The deafs asked their questions directly in sign. Boy, were they proud to be the Chosen People to talk to the aliens. And they were not just on a trip to the ISS like me - they were all on the next mission to Europa.

I could only remember a few more of the questions. Another kid of my age asked about Mr E's clock-compass. "On Europa, as you know, tides flip our magnetic North Pole back and forth all the time, so that if we know the time, then the third dial here points to the geographic pole. Well, should I give it you as a souvenir? Why not?! At home they are two a penny." And he laughed again.

It was a deaf person who asked him about his relations, the Earth octopuses. Apparently, the only emotion that could be read from their colour was extreme fear, and they didn't know sign language. However, he was moved and grateful to humanity for the new UN resolution 1024 which had banned the hunt of his closest cousin, Enteroctopus dofleini, entirely for his sake. - "An impressive act of good faith that will go far to reassure Europans about human designs on our planet.

"Even so, we don't mind too much if you eat octopods. We do! We have a saying on Europa, 'nature green in beak and spine'. It is the most natural thing for you to eat any food resource that comes your way. Just don't put ME on the menu!" At last, the humans had an excuse for a good belly laugh.

But for the last question about family life, he was much more composed and serious, and fixed his gaze on me, the kid who had sent his question in for a joke.

"Unlike more primitive species, our males are obliged to provision their wives during egg-laying and early polyp-hood. The custom is to spread a few "wild spores" but keep about two dozen in the den. Europan biologists believe that without this arrangement, we might never have learned language nor become intelligent."