When Andre Previn or Yehudi Menuin conduct a philharmonic orchestra to deliver the works of the great masters like Beethoven and Bach, no-one calls them a tribute band. In the same way, I conduct my incredibly talented Velvet Orchestra and we perform the works of the great masters Reed/Cale/Morrison/Tucker/Yule.

THERE IS NO OTHER GOOD MUSIC. Not really anyway. I mean ok, I do have some CDs by bands other than the Velvets in my collection. But then I never frickin listen to them so what does it matter. Reed matters. Cale matters. Planing Lakes matter. Those planing lakes will surely calm you down. Songs For Drella matters, but no-one cares about that. By the way we're doing a performance of Drella in its entirety, we've got the sheet music and I'm learning the guitar solos. Its going to be a very low-key affair, only a few people will be invited although of course you're invited and welcome to come if you're interested which you are almost certain not to be. No-one came to see the Velvet Underground play when they were around, and no-one will ever come to see us play either. Except people do come to our shows someitmes, although I don't really know why. Maybe its because they were told by a magazine to like the VU, so they decided they better. Or maybe its because they kinda like the way Sunday Morning's intro goes. Well anyone that doesn't like the Velvets won't like us, and the people that do like the Velvets well they won't like us either. Probably because we'll play too much like the Velvets' would have done. Well you wouldn't have liked it then and you won't like it now. I mean Music For a New Society was meant to be exactly that but nobody bought it so that was that. If you know what I'm talking about you might as well close this window because you already know it (although I doubt it). If you don't know what this means then you should also close this window because you're unlikely to ever get it (not that that's a bad thing. Why woud you want to get this? Getting this won't help you. Going out and getting a life will help much more, or at least it will give the impression far more convincingly). Well I don't encourage anyone to come to our shows really. You won't have a good time at all I expect. No-one that ever comes knows the words or the songs (apart from that couple at the front, you guys are cool). And if they do know them they still won't recognize them the way we do them. Althought we do them just like the Velvets, whom no-one ever listens to so they wouldn't really know to recognize it. I mean how many people actually listen to the VU and Nico when they get up in the morning while they're getting dressed? How many people listen to the Black Angel's Death Song while they make love? That's who we play for, except they don't exist so we play for no-one. Just like the VU did. We're not a "good night out". I never said we were a "good night out". We're NOT a good night out. We're not in the slightest bit entertaining. Coming out of our gigs you're more likely to feel like you've been sexually assaulted and I don't mean that in a good way, I mean in more in a mildly irritated "what the hell was the point of that" kinda way, except lets face it Sonic Youth did that years ago and they did it better. Well sort of better. No-one makes any good music anymore. I mean we like the Arcade Fire but the best bits are kinda stolen from Cale (which is a commendation not a criticism). I guess we wanted to give modern music the biggest fuck you we possibly could, so we became the Underground Velvets. It was either that or wait for Kasabian to catch up and lets face it we could have been waiting a pretty long time. We were born like this, we had no choice. And in doing so we reaffiremed the closest thing to a non-negotiable a priori truth that I know: THERE IS ONLY ONE BAND. THE VELVET UNDERGROUND. THE VELVET UNDERGROUND ARE THE CLIPPER SHIP THAT WE ALL SAIL ON.

This isn't cheap postmodern publicity. Most people will read this and I guess they'll think its best to pass on this whole trip and in a lot of ways they'll be right. I mean why would you want to see this. Others might feel curious and show up, but believe me you still won't enjoy it which is still fine because no harm done really, I mean you can afford it and I'm sure you weren't going to be doing anything that interesting anyway. The problem arises more if you enjoy our show because then I would really worry. That's when you have to really be concerned about your own headspace because its kinda like the guy that enjoys licking the electrodes on 9 volt batteries, he's happy but he's ill. And if its an anathema to you but you want it not to be, I guess there is the possibility of some ascent. I mean, if none of this makes sense to you, you could go out and buy Lou Reed's album "Take No Prisoners" and it might become clear. Failing that you might need to listen to "Metal Machine Music" on repeat for a couple of days. I wouldn't recommend anything I hadn't been thru in spades myself. I digress. (Or do I?).

THIS BAND IS FOR PEOPLE WHO LOVE LOU REED'S MULLET CIRCA 1989 AS MUCH AS I DO. Which is a lot. Its more that Madonna loves Banda. Its more than Bush loves Oil. Its more than Nornan Mailer loves himself. IF YOU LOVE THE MULLET, e-mail us. We'll let you get in for free. All we wanted to do was be born in a world where Reed's Mullet was supreme. Instead we were born in the world where the prettiest girls hang out in clubs that play funky house (or Indie Rock for that matter which sadly isn't a whole lot better despite the excellent groundwork done in 1967). And that's fine, we're used to it and we're resigned to it. We were all watching when the WMD's weren't found. But if you love the Mullet just write us and ww'll give you a season ticket. Because this isn't a frickin business venture for us, surprise surprise, do you really think we give a hot damn how many people turn up? Does this look like a frickin business venture? Everyone in this band plays 2 different instruments to Grade 8. Do you really think we couldn't learn a few songs by the Carpenters if wanted to make frickin money from this???!!!

I'm not saying Cover Bands are the way to go. But I am saying that if every clown in a mediocre band that I see started a Velvets Covers Band instead, there'd be a lot less shit music being played in the world. But then thinking about it they wouldn't have the panache or the gravitas to pull it off so what's the point. Our week beats their year. Do yourself a favor. Come and see us play. And make sure you're a fan. No sniffers please. We play for serious users only. These shows are for people for whom a hypodermic syringe is the same as a toothbrush.

Bobby Boy