Only in Your Dreams Chapter 20
�What do you mean?� asked Joey, not wanting to admit how guilty he was actually feeling at that point. He pulled a lounge chair beside Jan�s and sat down. �I don�t feel gui...� he began. Jan stopped his sentence before he could finish.
�Wait a minute, Joey�sweetheart, I�m not saying that you are feeling guilt about anything�I just know that there is something going on up here,� Jan said as she placed her hand on Joey�s head and gave his hair a gentle stroke before placing her hand back in her lap.
Jan gave Joey a moment to reflect on what she had said as she looked up at the stars shining brightly in the night sky. Then, in a quiet voice, Jan began speaking in an effort to get her feelings across to Joey.
�I felt terrible guilt about Mike�s death�somehow I felt that I had to be responsible for his death�directly or indirectly.�
�But Jan�you weren�t�� Joey began, but Jan put up her hand to quiet the young man.
�I know that I was not truly responsible for his death Joey�I was not the driver of the truck, but I needed to blame someone.�
�What about the driver of the log truck? He was the one who hit Mike�it was his fault,� Joey said in disbelief.
�Joey�he was so young�so young. He was never the same after that. His wife left him�he lost his children�his job. My hate and blame would not have helped anyone at all�me or him or his family and friends. I just couldn�t do it.� Jan looked at Joey knowing that she could not expect him to understand her reasons.
�Joey�I�m not asking for your understanding in this matter. I sometimes don�t understand my own feelings, but those feelings are what have sustained me through everything.�
Joey and Jan sat in silence for several moments before Jan spoke.
�Why don�t you tell me about your nightmares Joey.�
Joey took a deep breath before speaking.
�I don�t know if I can Jan�I don�t know.�
�You have to Joey so that the dreams will go away�the dream I just told you about will now go away, in time, just like the others�I promise.� Jan�s gaze was met by Joey who was looking for any doubts written on Jan�s face�any doubts that she might feel in her own words, but there was none.
�Okay,� the young man whispered as he tightly grasped his hands in his lap, trying to ease the tension that he was beginning to feel welling up inside him. He felt as if he was fighting a battle within himself. He wanted to tell Jan all of his dreams, but he wasn�t sure how he could possibly tell her that Justin, Lance, and the others were attacked and killed in his dreams. There had to be something wrong with him to have such horrible dreams as those. He decided to tell her about the dreams that had candles in them for now, but Jan�s next remark blew his plans out of the water.
�I understand that some of the dreams involved the others being brutally beaten and murdered. You know that you were not the one in the dreams doing that�don�t you...I mean you see someone else hurting the boys.�
Jan could see the shocked look on Joey�s face when she had finished speaking.
Joey�s thoughts moved rapidly. �How could she possibly know about those dreams�and how did she know that he was afraid that he had been the one doing those terrible things to his brothers?�
�How did you know about those dreams? Who told�Lance told you�didn�t he?� Joey stammered, fighting anger and tears at the same time. �I never told Lance that I thought that I was�I wasn�t the one Jan�it wasn�t me,� the young man was hoarsely whispering.
Jan realized that she had potentially made a mistake, but she knew that Joey needed to start somewhere with his nightmares. If they got to the core of the nightmares, it would be so easy for them to go away. Jan held up her hands at Joey.
�Joey�if we get to the core of the dreams sweetheart�it will be so much easier for them to just go away. I won�t tell you that I understand what you are going through with these dreams, but I do want to help�please let me help�don�t shut me out.�
Joey sat beside her thinking about all that Jan had just said. He felt anger, but the feeling didn�t last long.
�What did you hear Jan?� Joey asked in a strained whisper.
�Joey�I only heard that you had been having dreams so violent that you were throwing up and fainting. Lance did tell the group that you had one dream with Justin being attacked and that there were more dreams about the rest of them being in similar situations or worse in your dreams. Justin told me what Lance had said�believe me when I tell you this�Lance was only trying to help you sweetheart. He was scared and unsure of what he was doing in trying to help you. Do you understand?�
Joey took a deep breath and thought about what Jan was saying. He finally came to a painful conclusion. Joey rubbed his face as he spoke.
�I�m sorry Jan�I didn�t mean to get so upset. I just thought that Lance was�was breaking my trust. It never occurred to me until now that I had Lance to confide in, but Lance had no one that he could go to�that was unfair of me.�
Jan wanted to reach out and take one of his hands but she decided against it for the time being, hoping that what he was doing would help him somehow.
�It�s okay honey�you were so caught up in what you were going through. Lance and the others love you so much and they only want what�s best for you. And, so do I.�
Joey nodded his head in understanding then took a shaky deep breath before speaking.
�My dreams are kinda dark�almost sinister. I don�t know why because I�m not like that at all.�
Joey looked at Jan for support with the statement that he had just said and he wasn�t disappointed. Jan smiled at him as she reached up and ruffled his hair, then moved her hand to his shoulder.
�Babe�I think you are as far from being a dark individual as they come. My dream was pretty dark, but do you think of me as being that way?�
�No�no not at all.�
�Well then, we�re both two people who have dreams that are pretty dreadful, but not due to our lifestyles or anything like that, okay?�
�Thanks Jan,� Joey whispered.
�Sure honey.� Jan dropped her hand and waited for Joey to continue with telling about his dreams.
Joey reached for Jan�s hand and held it between his two, as be spoke.
�I�my dreams mostly involve candles�where I try to light them, but I can�t.�
�Were any candles lit at all when you first see them?�
�Yeah�but the one dream where they were all lit, there was blood dripping from the walls. I had that dream that first week that they started�not too long after I started dreaming about things happening to the guys.�
�Oh. What about the other times that you had the dreams with candles?�
�The last couple of times that I had those dreams, there were plenty of candles around that I could light, but each time I would light a match, a wind would suddenly come up and blow the flame out.�
Jan carefully thought out her next statement. She didn�t want to bring up Marty Kimble�s phone call yet. Maybe Joey would be able to come up with the connection on his own without mentioning the phone call.
�Maybe we can connect the candles with things that happened on the days that you had the dreams. Can you remember if there was anything that happened on those days�some sort of pattern where things are in common?�
�No�I don�t think so. Let�s see�we were in the studio on and off, recording and rehearsing. Everything seemed okay�� Joey closed his eyes in concentration, trying to remember anything that may have happened.
Jan decided to take a chance with her next statement.
�What about things outside the studio? Were you with anyone else, other than the guys?�
�No�we pretty well stuck together. I did talk to other people on the phone though.�
�This was maybe it,� thought Jan.
�Like who Joey?�
�Do you remember my friend Marty Kimble?�
�Crazy Marty out in LA?�
Jan�s remark made Joey smile.
�Yeah�the one and only. He called a couple of times to let me know how things were going with the movie deals and tv deals that we�ve been working on.�
�Well, how are things going? You know that I think it�s great that you and the others are involved with things outside the group.�
�Yeah. Thanks, but things haven�t been going too good lately. It seems like every time we get close to wrapping up a deal, it falls through.�
�Yeah�another flame snuffed out�� Jan said quietly as she looked down at her hands.
�What did you say?� asked Joey in disbelief. He turned his chair so that he was facing Jan.
�I said�another�flame�snuffed�out�� Jan said just as quietly as she felt Joey�s eyes boring into her. Joey stood up from his chair and took several steps into the shadows. He raked his hands through his hair, trying to focus the emotions racing through his mind.
�Marty says that�how would you know about that?� Joey asked, thoroughly confused by Marty�s words coming out of Jan�s mouth.
�Marty called while we were asleep. Justin answered the phone and took the message that the deals fell through�another flame had been snuffed out.�
�Do you think all of these dreams have to do with the bad deals�with everything falling through?�
�I think so Joey. I think we may have found the key. Now we just have to finish with the connections.�
�So�it�s kinda like�it�s like the candles are all of the missed opportunities�the deals that have fallen through,� Joey said thoughtfully. �But what about the guys�how can those possibly connect with�oh, wait a minute�no�it couldn�t��
�What Joey? What do you think the connection is?� asked Jan anxiously as her own thoughts on the connections flashed through her own mind.