Only in Your Dreams Chapter 19
Joey quietly made his way outside to the patio surrounding the pool. He chose to sit in a chair that was just on the outskirts of the deepening shadows. He had chosen not to turn on the outdoor lights in the hopes that the darkness would somehow make it easier for him to reveal his nightmares and his fears to Jan.
Joey could feel his hands shaking even though the darkness hid the quavering from his view. His stomach was filled with butterflies in anticipation of what he would be asked to reveal�of what he may hear from Aunt Jan. He took a shaky breath in an attempt to calm his stressed nerves. At that moment, he felt that he had never been more nervous in his entire life. What would Jan say about his nightmares? Would she think any differently about him? Would he be able to go through with it all? He ran his hands through his hair, as he allowed his fears to race through his mind as though they were being propelled by an out of control freight train. Hopefully, Jan would not be much longer in coming out.
Meanwhile, Jan knew that Joey was outside waiting for her. It was nearly 9:00 and the rest of the group was sacked out on the living room couch and on the floor. JC, Justin, Lance and Chris had been watching television together when the effects of the various medications that Dr. Shannon had prescribed hit them at various times through out the evening. Jan had checked in on the sleeping group periodically, but had decided to let them stay where they were for the moment.
Jan walked over to the patio doors and saw Joey�s figure sitting in one of the lounge chairs, his back to her. Jan slowly made her way back into the kitchen and pulled two cans of soda from the refrigerator and the box of Kleenex off the kitchen counter before returning to the patio doors. Taking a deep breath, she put her hand on the doorknob.
�You�ll do a good job.�
The voice startled Jan, causing her to almost drop everything in her hands. She turned to see JC standing right behind her.
�Oh�JC�I swear�you must have put another 10 years on me, sweetheart. I thought you were asleep.�
Jan looked at the amusement written on the young man�s face, which slowly disappeared as he saw fear and uncertainty written on hers.
�Are you okay babe?� Jan asked as she allowed JC to take the items from her hands and watched as he placed them on the floor. Then to Jan�s surprise, JC pulled her into his strong embrace.
�The boy must have ESP�this is just what I needed�� thought Jan as she returned the hug.
�I just wanted to let you know that I�we all know that you�ll do a great job talking with Joey.�
Jan could feel tears stinging her eyes at the young man�s vote of confidence.
�Thank you so very much Jace. You don�t know how much that means to me.�
JC stepped back away from Jan and gave her a shy smile.
�If you need to talk to anybody when you�re finished�not about what Joey says�but�I don�t know what I mean�I hate this medicine,� he stammered, running his hands through his hair, carefully avoiding the bruise on the side of his head.
�I�ll probably be taking you up on that offer honey. This is going to be pretty tough. Say a prayer for me�okay?� JC nodded as Jan reached up and placed her hands on either side of JC�s face. JC placed his hands over hers and held them there. Jan gave him a smile before stepping back. JC continued to hold her hands as Jan brought them to her sides. Then, after giving Jan�s hands one last squeeze, JC released them, bent over and handed her the two soda cans and box of Kleenex before opening the door for her.
�I�ll be saying that prayer for you�� he whispered as Jan walked through the open door and into the darkened back yard.
Jan slowly walked the short distance to the poolside chairs where Joey was sitting with his back turned to her. She watched as he turned around in his chair upon hearing her approach.
�Hi Aunt Jan.� Joey stood up and pulled out a chair for Jan to sit in beside him.
�Thanks Joey. Here,� she said, handing him one of the cans, �I thought you might want something to drink.�
�Thank you.� Joey took the can from her grasp and popped the top open before taking a few quick sips.
�I hope you don�t mind the dark Jan,� Joey began quietly, �I thought the dark might help it seem more private out here.�
�That was a good idea�thanks.�
Jan saw Joey eyeing the box of Kleenex that she had placed on the ground beside her chair.
�They�re for me�I�ll share if I need to but�they�re really for me.�
�You might as well just put them between the two of us�I don�t think I�ll be able to hold the tears back,� Joey said, his voice becoming husky with emotion.
Jan pushed the box between the two of them. The blanket of silence laid heavily on them�both individuals unsure of how to start or who should start, for that matter.
�I,� they both said in unison.
�I�m sorry�go ahead Jan.�
�No�you can start Joey�if you�d like to.�
�Jan�please�� the young man pleaded as he looked down at his feet as he fought to keep his emotions in check.
Jan felt her heart nearly break upon hearing Joey practically begging her not to make his speak first.
�Okay�what I started to say was that I know that this is going to be very hard for both of us. I have never, ever spoken to anyone about the nightmares that I had after Mike�s death. I have chosen to tell you�to confide in you for more than one reason.�
Jan hesitated for a moment to look at Joey�s profile. He was still looking at his feet. Jan reached over and touched his arm to get his attention. Joey looked at the hand on his arm then brought his gaze to Jan�s face as he put his drink down and put his hand on hers.
�The number one reason that I�m doing this is that I know what you are going through with the nightmares and I want to help you find the key behind them. I want to help you make them go away.�
Jan watched Joey nod as he continued to look from Jan to the ground.
�The second reason is selfish on my part. I�m ready for all of my nightmares to go away too.�
Joey sat back and looked at Jan. The light of the full moon gave enough illumination that Jan was able to see surprise written on Joey�s face.
�You�re still having the nightmares?�
�Just one�occasionally�I guess I�ve been hanging on to it a little�it helps me with the guilt.�
�Guilt�over what Jan?�
�Let me start from the beginning.� Jan pulled her hand away from Joey�s grasp as she stood up, took a deep breath, trying to put her jumbled thoughts together as Joey waited patiently for her to begin. When she was ready to speak, she turned to look at the full moon. It would be easier to speak of the accident while looking at something so peaceful�something that she and Mike loved to look at�together.
�Mike had an errand to run on Friday, March 19, 1998. He was going to go to his parent�s house overnight, which was about a three-hour drive from where we lived at the time. He had wanted me to go, but I was going to need to take my car so that I could come back that evening. I had responsibilities to attend to the next morning. There was to be a UIL contest at the school and there would have been no way that I could have stayed for the night and then driven back to be at the school for the start of the event at 8:30 in the morning.� Jan hesitated for a moment and cleared her throat as she felt the urge to cry.
Joey reached out and took Jan�s hand in his own while remaining silent�allowing Jan to continue with her explanation.
�I was following behind Mike when it happened. I saw the log truck attempting to merge into traffic; not slowing down and I could see Mike reaching for his cell phone�not paying attention to the road. I heard my phone ring the same time that the log truck hit Mike broad side.�
Jan sat back down, took a deep breath and leaned her head against the back of the chair. She allowed the emotions that she had felt that night to wash over her, briefly. Her gaze wandered around the darkened yard, as she fought the images that flashed through her mind. She finally shook her head sadly before turning to look at Joey. The dim light shadowed his features, but she could see tears sliding silently down his cheeks. Joey met Jan�s gaze, giving her reason to continue with her story.
�Mike had been calling me�I saw his number�it flashed on my phone�s id screen before we lost contact�when the truck hit him. He was killed instantly right before my eyes Joey�right before my eyes.�
Jan reached for a tissue for herself and for Joey before continuing, all the while with Joey gently gripping her left hand in his.
�It wasn�t your fault Jan�it was an accident�� Joey whispered, his voice choked with emotion as he took the offered tissue and wiped at his eyes.
�That�s what everyone kept telling me Joey, but I�m one of those �what-if� kind of people.�
�A what?�
�You know�one of those people who spend their time trying to second guess themselves by saying what if. What if I had been in front and not behind Mike? What if I had been riding with him instead of in a separate vehicle? What if I had been able to spend the night with him? What if I had not gone at all?� Jan�s what-ifs spilled out of her mouth in seemingly one breath.
�Some of those what-ifs may have involved all of us losing you and Uncle Mike,� Joey whispered as the idea of losing both Jan and Mike caused him to shudder.
�I know and that was what so many people were saying�I wanted so much for someone to just listen and feel the same way that I did, but no one could because they were my shoes to walk in�no one else�s. No one wanted me to feel guilt, but I couldn�t help it.�
�I didn�t mean anything�I�m sorry Jan�I guess I�m just insensitive or�� Joey blurted out in anguish at the thought that he had hurt this sweet woman�s feelings.
�Oh baby�stop�I know you didn�t mean anything. They were my shoes�no one could possibly understand unless they had walked in similar paths.� Jan stood up and then knelt in front of Joey�s chair. She cupped his face in her hands and he gripped her hands with his own.
�Joey�I know that you didn�t mean anything by that remark. You and the rest of those boys in that house are the most precious people in this world to me. God has truly blessed me with such wonderful nephews. Don�t you ever forget that�okay?�
Joey nodded at Jan before she released her tender grip on his face and returned to her seat.
It was several moments before Joey finally broke the silence.
�When did the nightmares start Jan?�
�Right after his funeral�at first they weren�t all that bad really�but bad enough to give me several sleepless nights.� Jan hesitated briefly before speaking again.
�I�d see the accident happen in front of me�all over again�I guess I was reliving it from start to finish. I would try to honk my horn at Mike to get his attention�to get the attention of the logger, but it seemed like I was the only one who could hear the blaring of it. I�d hear the screeching of the trucks brakes�of my brakes�and then the crashing of metal.� She stopped and turned to look at Joey.
�You know, that�s a sound that you never forget�the crunching of metal hitting metal.� Joey nodded his head in understanding. �Been there�done that�� Joey instantly regretted what he said but relaxed when he saw Jan slightly smile.
�I remember that�I thought Lynn was going to tear your head off for running into the back of her car. I was sure that Nsync was going to be missing a letter the day that she called to tell me.� Both individuals smiled at the memory of how upset Lynn had been. Jan�s face then took on a more serious look that Joey began to mirror.
�The nightmares, they started becoming more graphic after a while...I couldn�t think that was at all possible. I would see Mike walking toward me�accusing me of not being there for him�for not saving him.�
Jan stood up and walked over to the poolside. She sat down, dipping her legs in the cool water and leaned back on her hands. Joey walked up to her side, sat down, and put his legs into the water.
�Joey�I want you to know that I really appreciate you being such a patient listener. You have made this�a lot less painful for me, but I still haven�t told you the dream that still invades my sleep on occasion.�
�You know you don�t have to Jan�it would be okay if you didn�t,� said Joey quietly, not wanting Jan to be uncomfortable.
�Oh, but I have to if I want it to go away. I have to Joey.� Jan breathed a sigh. She felt determination in holding in the tears until she had completely finished telling Joey of this terrible nightmare�it was the only way that she would be able to finish.
�Gotta stay in control�gotta stay in control�gotta stay in control�� she chanted in her mind. Jan stood up and walked over to the more darkened area of the poolside. Joey also stood up, but gave Jan her distance, sensing that she wanted control at that moment. He sat down in a nearby chair and waited for Jan to start�not sure that he even wanted her to.
�The one dream that I want to go away is the most graphic and disturbing of them all. I drive up to the accident having not seen it happen. I recognize Mike�s truck and I get out of my car. I start running up to Mike�s mangled vehicle, trying to fight the crowd of people beginning to surround it. Just as I make it to the edge of the crowd, I see Mike getting out of his wrecked truck and walk toward me�his body bloodied and mangled. I�m standing there, believing that he�s just hurt, I feel such relief at knowing that he�s okay�he is walking so therefore he is okay. Then lights from ambulances and police cars begin flashing�the sirens are loud, but not so loud that I can�t hear Mike calling my name as he still walks toward me with, his arms out stretched, reaching for me. I start reaching out for him, wanting to just hold him�touch him�you know, just wanting to know that my husband is okay. We reach out for each other and my arms encircle nothing�he�s not there physically�I can see him standing there, but it�s just an image. I look at his truck and see his body still in the vehicle�just there�slumped awkwardly over the steering wheel. The person coming toward me that I thought was Mike was actually his ghost. The ghost is standing there in front of me�pointing his finger at me with anger blazing in his eyes. Then he begins calling me a murderer�a betrayer. The whole crowd of people start walking toward me chanting the same thing in unison with Mike�s ghost��
Jan finally broke down with sobs�it was finally over�she had done it.
Joey quickly stood up from his chair, crossed the distance between he and Jan�reached for her�pulling her to his side and into his strong embrace. Jan�s sobs wracked her body as she clung to Joey. Joey�s tears flowed freely for the young woman that he was holding, but Joey was lost in his thoughts after hearing Jan�s nightmares. He felt that his nightmares paled in comparison to hers. Jan seemed relieved to be done with her ordeal. Could he possibly feel the same way?
They held each other, rocking back and forth until Jan�s sobs became non-existent. Jan pulled away from Joey but continued to hold his hands. She needed that human contact right now.
�Do you know what that dream means?�
Jan took a deep breath and released his hands as she sat down in one of the lounge chairs and reached for the tissue box. She again offered Joey a tissue and they quietly cleaned their faces. Jan took another deep breath before speaking.
�Yes�I just haven�t wanted to admit it yet. I didn�t want to let go of the guilt, but I now know that I really need to so that I can finally have some peace in my life and�� Jan turned to look at Joey. �And so do you sweetie.�