The Painting,
and the Knockwurst Sausage
by Arnie
Please read if you have not seen "Allo, Allo" before.
The three men collapsed behind their blond leader, their chests rising and falling with their rapid breathing.
"'Ere, Warden, yer think we lost 'em, then?" Goniff panted hopefully.
Casino just shook his head. "Man, I have never seen Krauts run that fast before."
"We've lost 'em," Garrison said breathlessly.
Chief ran out from the trees and slid to a stop by them. The Indian was gasping for breath too as he sank down to sit beside them. "They're...the other side o' the forest," he said, resting his elbows on his knees. "They're still searchin' over there - they'll be goin' around in circles for hours."
Garrison nodded, his breathing slowly returning to normal. He waited until all his men had recovered, then turned to Chief. "Any chance of going around them?"
Chief shook his head. "Doubt it. There were plenty of 'em and they were spreadin' out."
Casino slammed his hand down on the grass. "Great. Now whadda we do? The sub is that way!" He jerked in thumb towards the forest behind them. "And we got half the German army searchin' for us in there."
"And for the plans we stole," Actor pointed out.
"Relax," Garrison said. "I can contact the Resistance. They'll be able to get us out."
Casino shook his head. He hated it when they had to improvise.
~'~
"Of course I can contact London and arrange for your escape," the Resistance leader assured them in perfect English. "But it will take a few days. I'll have to find somewhere for you to hide in the meantime."
"Can't we stay here?" Garrison asked. The big barn they were sheltering in was certainly comfortable enough for them to wait out a couple of days in it.
Michelle shook her head. "The Germans frequently use this barn...to spend time with their girlfriends." She thought for a moment. "I know. I'll ask Rene to hide you. He's a hero, and I know he'll be absolutely delighted to do this."
"All right. We'll hide out in the woods until you get back."
"Right ho, chaps. I'll hoot like an owl three times to signal you when I return." She pulled open the barn door slightly, and carefully checked to see that no one was outside. "Now I will vanish like a phantom into the night," she said, and then was gone.
Carefully, the men followed her out, and vanished like phantoms themselves into the forest.
~'~
"Blimey," Goniff muttered, "it's dark out 'ere."
"That's why it's called the countryside," Casino remarked quietly.
"Yeah, that an' what Actor stood in before," the Cockney snickered.
Casino grinned. The look on Actor's face had been priceless. As had the look on Garrison's face when he smelt what Actor had stuck his foot in. Actor had spent the next half an hour fastidiously wiping his boot on every blade of grass he could find.
Casino's grin faded when he heard Chief snap his fingers. Someone was coming.
Michelle halted beneath a tree and raised her hands to her mouth. She hooted three times.
Garrison took one step towards the sound, then stopped as another three hoots sounded from a tree a few feet behind him.
"Damn bird," Michelle muttered as she hastily repeated her signal.
The owl, who had obviously decided that Michelle was talking to him, responded with gusto. Michelle attempted to out-hoot the bird but finally gave in, stalked over to Garrison and poked him in the side.
"I'm here," she announced. "Come on, chaps."
Garrison nodded, and he and his men followed her from the woods. The American officer totally ignored the grins on his men's faces. He hoped that Michelle would ignore them too.
They reached the edge of the town within twenty minutes, and a further ten saw them hiding by Rene Artois' dustbins. Michelle cautioned them to remain quiet, then approached the window and knocked once...then twice...then once again.
For a few seconds nothing happened, then the curtain was yanked back. A man peered out into the yard and pulled a face when he recognised Michelle. Hastily wiping the lipstick marks from his face, he opened the window.
"Well?" he demanded, in French.
"I 'ave brought ze Americans," Michelle quickly explained in French. "Zey will 'ide 'ere until everyzing is arranged."
"Oh, 'eck," Rene muttered. "Did you 'ave to bring zem 'ere? We 'ave General von Klinker'offen dining 'ere tonight!"
"What is it, Rene?" Yvette looked out of the window. Seeing Michelle she nodded. "I will go and fetch Madame Edith."
Rene stood to one side with a very bad grace as Garrison and his men climbed through the window.
"What is ze General doing 'ere?" Michelle demanded. "I zought he was off at ze Front."
"'E is 'ere to collect ze painting by Van Kloomp," Rene grumbled as he hastily locked the window. "'Err Flick of ze Gestapo zinks 'e 'as ze real one and 'e 'as arranged to give ze General a forgery."
"Van Kloomp?" Actor was startled. "Which painting?" he asked, in his usual impeccable French.
Rene looked the tall Italian up and down before he answered. "Ze Fallen Madonna Wiz ze Big Boobies."
"'Is masterpiece!" Actor was astonished. What was Van Kloomp's most revered work of art doing here?
"Is zis valuable to ze Germans?" Garrison demanded in French.
"Oh yes," Michelle assured him. "Ze Germans 'ave been trying to get zeir 'ands on it since zey first came 'ere." She raised her head proudly. "But Rene 'as been 'iding it in a Knockwurst sausage."
"Don't tell zem zat!" Rene protested, then smiled sheepishly as he remembered Garrison and Actor could understand him.
Garrison smiled slightly. A Knockwurst sausage? The things the Resistance thought of.
"But, now zat you are 'ere," Michelle said to Garrison, "you can take it wiz you!"
"What?" Rene was appalled. He had plans for that painting after the war, (mainly providing for him and whichever of his mistresses he ended up with), but he couldn't tell Michelle that.
"Yes! You will deliver it to ze free French Government in London and zey will keep it safe until it can be 'ung back in ze Louvre."
Garrison smiled at her. "We shall be 'onoured to give it to zem."
Actor smiled too. All his life he'd admired Van Kloomp and his paintings, and now, the thought of getting his hands on the Fallen Madonna With the Big Boobies was almost too much for the suave Italian.
Just then Yvette returned with Madame Edith, who was only too pleased to hide the American heroes. "Of course we will keep zem safe, Michelle. You know you can trust us."
"Where are ze British airmen?" Michelle demanded. "I will arrange for zem all to go back at ze same time."
"Zey are 'iding in ze cupboard," Yvette told her. "Zey are always in ze cupboard."
Michelle pulled open the cupboard door. "Hello, chaps," she said to the two airmen hiding there.
"Hello!"
"Hello!"
Casino took a step towards the window. What kind of place was this?
"Listen, chaps. I'm contacting London tonight to arrange for your escape. You'll be going with these chaps, okay?"
They nodded in unison.
"Rene," Michelle turned to the unhappy Frenchman, "I need to use ze radio now."
"Oh, 'eck!" Rene turned towards the door, then turned back. "Stay 'ere!" he shouted at the two airmen.
"What?"
"What's he saying?"
"It's all right, chaps. Just stay here while I contact London," Michelle hurriedly told them, tugging Rene towards the door.
In a confused huddle, Rene, his wife, his mistress and his contact in the Resistance left the back room.
Flying officer Fairfax looked at the five men remaining. Turning to his compatriot he whispered loudly, "Do you suppose they speak a word of English?"
"We're American Intelligence," Garrison interposed.
"Oh, Americans!" Fairfax looked relieved. For quite a few years now the only people he'd seen who could understand him were Carstairs (with whom he shared the cupboard), Michelle and Officer Crabtree, who was posing as a French policeman. "I'm Fairfax, this is Carstairs."
"I'm Lt. Garrison, this is Actor, Chief, Casino and Goniff," the American officer replied, indicating each of his men in turn.
"What rum names," Carstairs commented.
"They're American Intelligence - must be codenames," Fairfax told him, trying, but failing, to whisper.
Carstairs nodded emphatically. That made sense.
"How long you been stayin' in the cupboard?" Casino asked, curiously.
"Oh...er...three years?" Fairfax looked at his companion for confirmation.
"I think so...it's been a while."
"Three years? Blimey!" Goniff was amazed - he'd thought prison was bad.
"Oh, we haven't stayed in here all the time. There was that time was had to stay in Madame Fanny's cupboard -"
"And the time we had to pose as waitresses. Awful!"
"And the laundry baskets -"
"And the Monastery -"
Garrison shook his head. They were like a double act. And who the hell was Madame Fanny?
"But we've been in France for three years. They never seem to manage to get us out," Carstairs finished, sighing.
"Don't you worry, Carstairs. We'll make it this time. Just been jolly bad luck."
His friend nodded.
Garrison's thoughts were interrupted, and he turned his head. What on Earth was that noise?
Goniff screwed his face up as he listened. It sounded vaguely like an air raid siren. Looking at the two Englishmen, he jerked his head towards the door. "What's that?"
"Oh, that's Madame Edith," Fairfax offered.
"She sings every night," Carstairs added.
Actor winced. He recognised the song; he'd been fond of it in the past, but he had to admit he'd never heard it sung in quite that way before.
Chief looked around. "Sings?" he echoed, his normally passive face filled with doubt at the description.
"Oh yes," Carstairs assured him. "She sings every night for the Germans."
Casino grimaced as another painful note threatened his hearing. "Well, that's one way to get the Krauts outta France."
Fortunately for the captive audience trapped in the back room, Madame Edith's singing cleared the caf� and her impromptu cabaret act came to an end after only two songs.
The door opened. Michelle came in, smiling. "It's all arranged, chaps. There's a submarine coming for you in three days."
"Thank you," Garrison said, smiling at the brave Resistance leader.
She found herself taking stock of the man. He was certainly good looking, with a fine pair of shoulders...just the right height too. She shook herself mentally and paid attention to the irate caf� owner.
Rene was not happy. First of all, he'd had two British airmen stuck in his cupboard for three years. Second, Michelle of the Resistance seemed to treat this as her first port of call when she needed help (which was rather unfortunate as his caf� was very popular with the Germans - except when his wife sang). Third, he had five American agents hidden in his back room and now...Herr Flick of the Gestapo had walked off with the real painting.
Michelle was horrified. "'Err Flick 'as ze real painting? Rene, I zought you were going to give 'im a fake!"
"I did...I zought I did!" Rene sighed. His life was too complicated: how he wished he'd never agreed to help the Resistance in the first place, but if he hadn't, they would have shot him as a collaborator. "'Err Flick insisted on taking a look at ze knockwurst sausages 'imself! 'E saw 'is - it 'as a swastika printed on one end and I gave 'im ze knockwurst sausage with ze fake painting in it to give to ze General. But 'e decided to take 'is sausage too as 'e zought I might cook it by mistake. 'Elga came in and said zat ze General was getting impatient, I tripped, ze knockwurst sausages went flying everywhere and 'e grabbed ze real one which 'ad a swastika printed at each end so we wouldn't get zem mixed up! He gave it to 'Elga to 'ide down 'er blouse and left wiz ze fake one for ze General."
"'Elga 'ad ze real Fallen Madonna Wiz ze Big Boobies in 'er blouse?" Madame Edith repeated, shocked.
"And now she 'as gone, ze painting 'as gone and she will give it to 'Err Flick!" Rene spluttered. And bang went his chances for a nice, cosy retirement with Yvette or Mimi.
"We will 'ave to get it back," Garrison declared. "Where will 'e 'ave taken it?"
Michelle gazed at Garrison in admiration. "'Err Flick will 'ave taken it back to 'is office and put it in 'is safe. 'E would not dare to 'ide it anywhere else. If ze General believes zat 'e 'as ze real one, zen 'Err Flick will believe it is safe."
"Zen we will 'ave to break into 'is office and Casino will open ze safe," Garrison announced.
Casino looked up. He hadn't followed a word of what had been said, but he recognised his name when he heard it. "What's that?"
Garrison was too busy making plans to answer him. Casino sighed. He knew he wasn't going to like this one. As he glanced around the room, a resigned look on his face, he noticed the tall dark waitress. Was she smiling at him?
Yvette smiled at Casino. He was very handsome with such an intriguing accent. He was even more handsome than Rene, the caf� owner (with whom Yvette had been having a long running affair). Casino grinned back, his annoyance over the upset of their plans gone. Maybe some improvising could be fun.
Goniff was not as happy. He was lounging by the airmen's cupboard, trying to avoid the eyes of blonde waitress, who'd been staring at him with an admiring look in her eyes. Normally, Goniff wouldn't have minded that. It was the maniacal gleam in her eye that was making him nervous.
Mimi sighed as she stared hungrily at the blond man. How handsome he was... how sophisticated. She wondered if he had an accent like the others. Maybe she could get him to talk. As she made her away around the room, her prey noticed her coming. He made his move too, circling away from her and bumping into Chief who had already noticed Mimi's interest. He stepped back out of the way, hiding his smile. He guessed this was going to be interesting.
Goniff's escape was unintentionally blocked by Madame Edith, who was, at heart, a kindly soul. She touched his arm gently. "Per'aps you are 'ungry. Would you like somezing to eat?"
Goniff cast a confused look at Actor and Garrison. What was she saying?
Actor responded. "She wishes to know if you are hungry."
Goniff grinned at Madame Edith. He always had time for food. "Not 'alf!" he declared.
Mimi sighed. His accent was even better than the others.
Taking the interest on Goniff's face as a yes, Madame Edith withdrew to the kitchen, taking the two waitresses with her, much to Goniff's relief. If he could have heard what Mimi was saying on her way towards the kitchen he would have been more worried than ever.
"Yvette!"
"What is it?"
Mimi paused. She was a fearless member of the Resistance but she didn't want to offend Yvette by telling her to keep her hands off the blond man with the intriguing accent.
"Well? What is it?"
"You know ze Americans."
"Well, not as well as I'd like to know zem!" Yvette smiled.
"Which one?"
"What?"
"Which one?" Mimi repeated insistently.
"What are you talking about?" Yvette waited, then recognised the look in Mimi's eyes. "You like one of zem! 'Oo is it?"
"Ze blond one." Mimi was referring to Goniff, she just hadn't worked out that he wasn't an American.
"Ze lieutenant?" Yvette was surprised: she wouldn't have thought Garrison would be Mimi's type.
"No...ze ozzer one!" Mimi sighed. "I don't even know 'is name."
Yvette frowned. Had there been another blond man? She'd been too busy admiring the dark American (and checking out the other dark American) to notice. "Well, why don't you ask Michelle? Or Officer Crabtree if 'e comes in."
Mimi smiled. The only barrier between her and her chosen one was their languages... but some things didn't need translating.
By the time they returned, Garrison and Michelle had decided upon a plan of action. Herr Flick was a man of habit and, normally, he worked very late. However, every Tuesday evening he and Helga visited the best hotel in the city where, it was said, he got to see the swastikas on her suspenders. And the next day happened to be Tuesday.
Garrison's plan was simple, and he smiled at Michelle. What could go wrong?
~'~
That night was an uncomfortable one for Goniff in particular. Sleeping on the floor didn't bother any of them - only Casino complained and that was more about the airmen sleeping in the cupboard than about the floor. He removed himself to the other side of the room, where he couldn't hear them snoring, and he was fine. But Goniff had one thing on his mind. Mimi. He tossed and turned all night. That intent stare haunted his dreams when he did manage to sleep, and remained in his mind while he stayed awake worrying.
Garrison frowned when the morning light showed the state of the Englishman. He'd heard Goniff muttering in his sleep while he'd been on watch. He'd also heard Casino's comment of 'not having to wake the Limey up' when Goniff's turn had come to listen out for any Germans. If Goniff had spent the night on the tiles he couldn't have looked much worse. Fortunately, they had the entire day to wait and had to spend it hidden upstairs. Rene allowed them (was told by his wife to allow them) to spend the day hiding in his and Edith's bedroom and, as Mimi's duties kept her downstairs, it wasn't long before Goniff fell asleep.
He woke up in time for lunch. No matter what Garrison had to say about Rene's private life (and he could have said a lot, being an observant man) the food in the caf� was excellent. Actor was surprised but, after considering Madame Edith's singing, he realised that there had to be some reason to draw people back to the caf�.
The afternoon passed slowly. Actor's cards came in useful as they could always play poker, although, as usual, Garrison refused to play. His reasoning was simple: as he was the only one who couldn't cheat at cards, he preferred to sit back and watch. A game of cards between his men never involved luck - the winner was the person who was able to cheat the most outrageously without getting caught.
~'~
Before the evening crowd arrived, Garrison and his men slipped quietly out of the caf�. Garrison had planned to take Casino and Goniff with him to retrieve the painting, but Actor's protestations about being forced to stay behind and listen to Madame's Edith's singing (her voice filled the house) had struck a chord with him. He didn't need them that night, but he would not leave them behind to be tortured by Madame Edith's voice.
Michelle was waiting for them, along with a couple of other Resistance fighters. Actor frowned when he saw them. They were all smartly (and identically) dressed in belted raincoats and black berets. Didn't that make it easier for the Germans to realise who was in the Resistance and who wasn't? He shrugged slightly. Obviously not, as the Resistance was still going.
Herr Flick's office was situated on the ground floor of a small building, while his living quarters were above. He had been offered a lodging in the castle but he had refused, to the delight of the Germans officers. The thought of having a Gestapo agent in the castle made them all nervous.
Having reached Herr Flick's office, Michelle and her fighters withdrew to a safe distance, to watch and wait while Garrison and his men followed his plan. As Actor and Chief weren't needed, they would wait outside and keep a lookout in case Herr Flick returned early. Actor stayed at the front, while Chief slipped around to the back of the building. He hadn't said a word about the prospect of hearing Madame Edith's singing for a second night, but he was extremely glad that he hadn't had to - he'd heard wolves sing more in tune.
Chief's target was a window at the back of Herr Flick's office. Garrison knew that the window was very small, but he realised that Goniff should be able to get through it with the painting if escaping by the front door was impossible. Chief's job was to wait there and give them warning if anything should go wrong.
Garrison and Goniff lurked, as casually as possible, while Casino picked the lock of Herr Flick's front door. Within seconds, they were all inside and five minutes later the switch had been made. The knockwurst sausage containing a fake painting was now in Herr Flick's safe, while the real painting (with its sausage cover) was in Garrison's hand.
They'd taken three steps towards the door when a snap of Chief's fingers alerted them. Herr Flick was returning. Garrison opened the door slightly, peered out, and hurriedly shut it again as the sight of Herr Flick's car (containing an irate Herr Flick) pulled to a stop only a few feet away.
Garrison moved quickly. One glance at the window showed that his suspicions had been right: Goniff and the sausage could get out, but he and Casino had no chance. Goniff was through the window in seconds, aided by some heavy handed shoving from Casino. It was a good thing Chief was waiting on the other side or Goniff would have landed on his head and, as the Indian helped Goniff out, the other two disappeared back into the office.