The Painting,
and the Knockwurst Sausage
part 2
"I am not zaying dat it iz, Helga," Herr Flick retorted. He had been looking forward to the sight of Helga's swastikas for the past two days and now it was all ruined.
"I had no idea that General von Klinkerhoffen had commandeered our room."
"He had no right to take my room," Herr Flick responded petulantly, with a slight emphasis on the word 'my'. "I shall phone uncle Heinrich immediately und complain." He stalked into his office followed by Helga. Picking up the phone, he dialled and demanded to speak to his uncle Heinrich (also known as Himmler).
Garrison sighed as he stood, hidden by the tall cupboard, listening to Herr Flick's side of the conversation. He had considered knocking the two lovebirds out, but realised that any investigation would lead to the discovery of the knockwurst sausage (complete with fake painting) and from there to Rene's caf�. With any luck, Herr Flick would retire upstairs with his lady friend and he and Casino could escape through the front door. He just hoped Casino would be able to resist his need to complain until they were out of the building and out of earshot.
Unknown to Garrison, Casino was already complaining, but he was doing it silently as he lurked inside Herr Flick's cupboard.
Herr Flick put the phone down. "Uncle Heinrich will deal with it. Next veek our room shall be vaiting for us."
"You are very clever, Herr Flick," Helga said admiringly.
"I know," he smirked. "Now, you vill put on a record und dance for me."
"Yes, Herr Flick!" Helga responded eagerly. Within seconds the sound of music filled the air.
Garrison knew that Casino was longing to complain, loudly and at great length, about the fact that they couldn't go anywhere while Helga danced for Herr Flick. He grinned knowing that Casino couldn't see him - the things the Gestapo got up to in private. Garrison could see part of Helga's routine and her gyrations had him longing to loosen his collar. Was it hot in here?
"That iz enough," Herr Flick announced. "Now you may kiss me."
Garrison could hear Helga's enthusiastic kissing and could only imagine what Casino was thinking. "He won't stop complaining for a week!"
~'~
Back at the caf�, there was uproar. Michelle had returned with the awful news that two of the brave Intelligence agents were still inside Herr Flick's office and Herr Flick had returned early.
Mimi was devastated. She had spent all night dreaming about Goniff, and she would not have him captured and interrogated by the Gestapo. She paced back and forth in the back room as she devised and rejected various plans.
Finally she stopped. "I 'ave it," she announced. "I know 'ow I can save ze brave American 'eroes. I shall go into ze office of 'Err Flick, and I shall shoot 'im! I will be shot, but zat does not matter. As my love escapes, 'e will stop to 'elp me, but I will die in 'is arms and 'e will kiss my lifeless body." As she looked forward to her heroic, tragic death, that maniacal gleam that had frightened Goniff was obvious to all.
Silence fell as they gazed at the small waitress.
Finally Yvette spoke. "You cannot go. You 'ave not yet washed ze dishes!"
"I must save 'im from ze Gestapo!" Mimi insisted.
"Or we could just wait for 'Err Flick to go to bed," Michelle said.
Mimi's gleam turned into an annoyed one as she looked at the brave Resistance leader. "But what if 'e discovers Goneef in ze meantime?"
"Goneef?" Michelle echoed, surprised. "But 'e is not zere. 'E is outside waiting for zem to escape."
Mimi's face fell slightly. She had been looking forward to saving Goniff heroically. "Oh. Zen I guess we will wait for 'Err Flick to go to bed."
"I zink zat is a good idea," Yvette retorted.
"I 'ave to wash ze dishes anyway," Mimi told them.
~'~
Finally, Herr Flick tired of having Helga perform for him and he sent her away. Within the cupboard, Casino sighed with relief. Surely the Gestapo officer would go now?
Garrison wasn't so relieved. He could see a little better than Casino and he knew that Herr Flick of the Gestapo was now sitting at his desk and looking through an enormous file (entitled "Rene Artois Und My Suspicions About Him").
Herr Flick was not happy. He had planned a long and enjoyable evening boasting about his uncle Heinrich's exploits to Helga while drinking fine wine and sitting in the best room the hotel had to offer. And now...he'd had to settle for seeing Helga dance and having her kiss him. He had to admit he'd enjoyed them both (his glasses had even steamed up a little - although that could have been due to his annoyance over the room) but he was not in a good mood. He pushed the file aside. Tonight he could take no pleasure in plotting Rene Artois' downfall. He tidied the file away and then moved towards the stairs.
As soon as the sounds of Herr Flick's snoring reached him, Garrison made his move. He and Casino escaped through the door, accompanied all the way by Casino's muffled curses.
~'~
Back at the caf�, Casino's muffled curses were muffled no longer. Yvette gazed at him with admiration as he ripped into Garrison about the events of the evening. How passionate he was, how strong!
Michelle was furious. How dare he attack the brave, strong, heroic American officer like that? It was not Garrison's fault that Herr Flick had been deprived of the hotel room (and the sight of Helga's swastika covered suspenders) and had had to return early. Her annoyance turned to pleasure as Garrison shut Casino up with a few well chosen words.
Casino continued to grouse, but to himself this time. Why did the Warden always insist on getting involved with other people's problems? He must have made one hellava boy scout! Casino raised his eyes to the ceiling and prayed that they wouldn't pass any little old ladies trying to cross the road on their way to the submarine, or they would never get out of France. A touch on his arm brought him back to earth. That pretty dark haired waitress was smiling at him. He didn't know what she offering but he was willing to play along, at least until he found out.
Garrison borrowed Chief's knife and carefully opened up the knockwurst sausage. Retrieving the painting, he offered it to Actor, who took it with trembling hands. He had admired Van Kloomp's paintings for many years now, and to actually be holding the Fallen Madonna With the Big Boobies was almost too much. He reverently unrolled the painting and gazed, with wonder in his eyes, at Van Kloomp's greatest painting.
Even Chief wandered forward to take a look at the earthy beauty of the Madonna. Goniff whistled. He didn't blame people for being under her spell, she was even better looking than the landlady at the Doves.
"Actor." Garrison waited but the conman's eyes never left the painting. He tried again.
Actor looked up as his name was spoken for a second time but his attention was still fixed upon the work of art he held. "Hmm?"
"Is it the real painting?"
"Oh yes, this is the real Madonna." He returned his gaze to her. "I could never mistake it."
"Good. Then we'll take it with us when we leave and give it to the free French Government."
Rene scowled. When he looked at the painting, all he saw the golden future he and Yvette, (or he and Mimi), would have after the war, and now that future was sliding away from him. Unless....
"You will not want to take it like zat," he told Garrison, smiling nervously. "I will clean it off and give it back to you."
"I will do it," Madame Edith interrupted. "You will rub all ze paint off!"
Ten minutes later, the painting was back in Garrison's hands, with only the lingering smell betraying where it had been hidden for the past year. Rene was becoming more agitated by the second. His golden future seemed to be slipping away from him even faster than before. He had to do something!
~'~
"Yvette!"
Yvette looked around the apparently empty kitchen, was that the American? "Rene!" she jumped slightly, feeling guilty that she had been thinking of someone other than her married lover.
"Oh Yvette!"
As he gazed into her eyes, her thoughts of Casino slipped away. How she loved him. How she loved to feel his strong arms around her. "Oh Rene!" Exuberantly, she hugged him.
"Yvette." He pushed her away from him slightly. "We 'ave to do somezing about ze painting. It is ours, Yvette...our future togezzer. We shall 'ave a fine 'otel in Switzerland. Drink wine each evening. Make love each night!"
"Oh Rene!" Yvette's breathing quickened. She wanted that future!
"But wizzout ze painting, we shall 'ave nozzing! I shall 'ave to stay 'ere and run zis caf� and we shall 'ave to skulk around be'ind my wife's back." He sighed dramatically. "It is so unfair!"
"But...can we not get ze painting back? Let ze Americans leave wiz a forgery?"
"Yvette! Zat is an excellent idea!"
Yvette smiled and preened herself slightly.
"But 'ow? Zat American officer will not let it out of 'is sight! I 'ave anozzer copy I can give to zem but I 'ave no way to swap zem."
"I know!" Yvette nodded her head. "I shall go in and see ze dark American when 'e is on watch. Zen, I will exchange ze paintings and no one will know!"
"You are so clever, Yvette!"
"Oh Rene!" They threw themselves into each others' arms and resumed their kissing.
"Rene! What is going on 'ere?" Madame Edith's voice was horrified. Was Rene cheating on her with one of the serving girls?
For a second, Rene stared in horrified guilt, then he swung into his indignant act. "You stupid woman!" he chided her. "Can you not see zat zis poor child is upset?"
Taking her cue, Yvette collapsed into Rene's arms, allowing her lovely shoulders to shake with her crying.
"Oh, what 'as 'appened?" Madame Edith asked, ready to believe Rene's explanation just as easily as she had believed his many explanations before.
"She will miss ze Americans when zey go. She likes one of zem very much!" Rene claimed, having no idea that he was actually telling the truth.
Yvette stiffened slightly. Had he guessed?
"Oh, ze poor child!"
"'E will go and I will never see 'im again!" Yvette wailed, keeping one eye on her lover and the other on his wife.
"There, there, Yvette." Rene rubbed her shoulder comfortingly. "Go and dry your eyes."
Madame Edith watched Yvette leave then turned back to her husband. "'Ow strong you are, Rene," she told him. "'Ow comforting. You care about zese serving girls as zough zey were your daughters!"
Rene scowled at his wife. What was she implying? "Sisters," he corrected her. "I am not zat old."
~'~
That night, Yvette crept across the caf� to the door into the back room. She knew that Casino had the first watch and the caf� had only been quiet for half an hour. Surely the rest of the Americans would be asleep by now? She leaned close to the door and murmured Casino's name.
Inside the room, Casino turned away from the window and looked towards the door. Was that his name he just heard? Grasping his revolver firmly, he opened the door an inch and was rewarded with the sight of Yvette with a basket in her hand.
"Whaddya doin' here?" he asked quietly.
Yvette smiled. She had no idea what he was saying but she allowed her eyes and her smile to let him know what she was thinking. From the basket, she pulled out a bottle of wine and two glasses and showed them to him. Casino grinned. He opened the door slightly and she slipped inside, taking the wine, glasses and basket (with the fake painting concealed inside) with her.
She guessed that Garrison would be the one with the painting, and hoped that she'd be able to distract Casino long enough to make a switch. Garrison, not suspecting that his hosts (well, one of them) would attempt such a thing, had made it easy for her. The rolled up painting was lying in full view on the table.
Yvette smiled as she sat on the edge of the table admiring Casino's ability to open a bottle of wine. The basket was behind her and it only took a few seconds for her to swap the original painting with a fake. She accepted the glass of wine Casino offered and smiled even more at him as she made a toast to the future.
Casino grinned back. He didn't know what she was saying, but he sure liked the way she said it.
His watch came to an end all too soon, and Yvette left, leaving a trace of perfume in the air and a fake painting on the table.
Goniff woke with a start at Casino's less than gentle tap on his shoulder. As Mimi hadn't tried to reach him the night before, the Limey believed he was safe and had managed to fall asleep. When Casino had shoved him, he'd thought for a second that she was there and his eyes flew open then looked around in terror before realising that it was his turn at watch and nothing worse.
Casino settled down to sleep with a smirk on his face. He doubted if Goniff would have as much fun keeping watch as he had.
He was right.
As he settled down by the window, Goniff allowed himself to relax slightly. Mimi hadn't tried anything the night before, so maybe...hopefully...she wouldn't tonight.
He was wrong.
As Yvette returned to her room, Mimi called to her. "Where 'ave you been?" she demanded crossly as she saw the smile that adorned Yvette's face.
"Just talking to Casino," Yvette answered.
"'E is on watch?"
"'E was. Do you zink I would 'ave left 'im if 'e 'ad still been on watch?"
Mimi thought about that. "Zen...'oo is on watch now?"
"I zink 'e said ze blond one would be," Yvette answered. "Not ze American officer, ze ozzer one."
"Goneef?" Mimi stood still, her heart pounding. How handsome he was, how sophisticated, how brave, and now...he was on watch alone. All of his companions were asleep.
Five minutes later, Mimi was copying Yvette's actions, one bottle of wine and two glasses clutched in her hot little hand as she called Goniff's name.
Goniff did not copy Casino's actions.
He recognised the voice calling him and his expression changed from sleepy boredom to sheer horror. He leapt at the door, not bothering to avoid trampling on his sleeping companions. Garrison woke up in a hurry as one of Goniff's feet managed to land on his arm while Actor came close to receiving a foot in a far more delicate area.
"Goniff!" Garrison hissed. "What are you doing?"
"She's there." Goniff spreadeagled himself against the door to prevent it opening. "She's outside!"
"Who?" Actor demanded.
"Her!"
Garrison looked at Actor, who looked back at him with a blank expression on his face. He had no idea who Goniff was referring to.
Casino snorted. "Guess we can't all be lucky!"
Goniff threw an angry glance the safecracker's way. "Warden, yer gotta 'elp me!"
Chief grinned. He knew what was going on. "I guess Mimi got lonesome in the night," he murmured.
Garrison looked at the Indian as he settled back down to sleep. "Mimi?"
"That's 'er!" Goniff said. "She's...she's...she's after me!"
"And you have a problem with that?" Actor enquired, delicately.
"Hey, look at it this way, baby - take it while ya can!" was Casino's advice.
"I don't wanna take it! Well, not from 'er, anyway!" Goniff protested, as Mimi turned the door handle and rattled it sharply. "You can 'ave it!"
"It ain't me she's after!"
"All right, knock it off!" Garrison ordered. He got to his feet and opened the door slightly. "Can I 'elp you?"
Mimi's face dropped a mile. "Oh! It is you! I zought...never mind." Dejectedly, she made her way back to the stairs, dumping the wine and glasses on the bar as she passed.
Goniff slumped against the wall in relief as the sound of her footsteps receded. "Warden, I owe yer one!"
Garrison glanced at the white faced Cockney. "Forget about it." He made his way back and lay down again. "The lady came prepared with a bottle of wine though."
"She did?" Goniff looked indignant. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"You were too busy hiding behind the door," Garrison pointed out. "Now keep watch and wake me when it's my turn."
Grumbling slightly, Goniff returned to his post by the window. He didn't know she'd brought plonk.
~'~
Finally the next evening arrived and they could go home. Goniff couldn't wait to escape from France, and from Mimi. As soon as the little town had settled down to sleep, Garrison and his men, accompanied by Fairfax and Carstairs, quietly made their way out of the caf�. There was a brief pause for Casino to say a lingering goodbye to Yvette, and for Goniff to fight Mimi off with the aid of a chair, but they made it out of the window eventually.
Rene smiled as they left. The Fallen Madonna With the Big Boobies was back where she belonged (in his cellar) and his future with Yvette was looking bright. Well, as long as his wife never found out and he managed to avoid any more of Michelle's harebrained schemes.
Michelle and her Resistance fighters escorted Garrison, his men and the two airmen to the beach, keeping an eye out for any stray German soldiers who might be wandering around. The leader of the Resistance sighed to herself as they quietly walked along. She'd never met anyone like the American officer. He was as brave and as daring as she! She doubted that she'd ever meet anyone like him again. She raised her head proudly. One day, France would be free. And, who knew? Perhaps Lieutenant Garrison would return.
They arrived at the beach all too quickly. Michelle signalled the submarine and watched as the dinghy approached. Within minutes, he would be gone. She had to act now. "Lieutenant."
He smiled down at her. "Yes, Michelle?"
The sound of his voice thrilled her - even that was unlike any other man's she'd met. She smiled and forced herself to continue, blushing in the darkness as she thought that he might not welcome her affections. "I hope you will come back one day. We will...miss you."
He stooped slightly and kissed her cheek. "I will come back," he told her, the sincerity in his voice unmistakable.
"I say, Fairfax, it looks as though we'll get out this time for sure!"
Carstairs' voice brought her back to their current situation, and she stepped back, offering her hand to the American officer who had disturbed her thoughts ever since she'd first seen him smile. "Good luck, Lieutenant."
"Thank you, Michelle."
She turned as the dinghy reached the shore. The tide was just about to turn, they had to go.
Goniff was first into the dinghy. Although he had no liking for sea travel, he'd face a dozen trips in a submarine rather than risk being left in France and having to face Mimi again. He huddled down at the back of the dinghy looking miserable. Just let Casino tease him about this.
Carstairs and Fairfax paused to say goodbye to Michelle. They'd known her for three years, and, although none of her schemes to get them back to Blighty had ever worked (until now), they'd grown fond of her.
"We've got to go," Garrison interrupted. All the Gorillas were in the dinghy, and he and a sailor were waiting to push them off.
Just as they stepped forward to make for the dinghy, all hell broke loose. A German voice shouted in the darkness, telling the men to give themselves up, even as shots rang out. Obviously the Germans weren't a patient lot.
Carstairs and Fairfax hesitated for too long. Garrison and the sailor pulled the dinghy off the shore, while the others gave covering fire.
"C'mon!" Garrison shouted, urging them on, even as his men hauled him into the dinghy.
The two airmen hesitated. Could they make it to the dinghy?
"No!" Michelle shouted, grabbing the Englishmen's arms. "Go! I will get them out some other way."
The tide did not wait, nor did the sailors. They bent their backs into rowing for the submarine and the darkness soon swallowed them up.
Michelle hauled the two confused Englishmen along with her. They had to get away. The Germans stormed onto the beach to capture their enemies, but it was too late. The dinghy had gone, the Resistance was gone, and only a faint "I say!" could be heard on the night breeze.
~'~
Rene smiled at his wife as he added up that night's takings. For once, all was right with his world. His happiness was shattered as Yvette looked out of the back room and made a familiar announcement.
"Michelle of ze Resistance is 'ere, and she 'as ze British airmen wiz 'er!"
He closed his eyes and slowly lowered his head in order to bang it on the open drawer of the till. Would his nightmare never end?
~'~
The familiar gurglings of the submarine lulled Goniff to sleep. The past few days had been draining ones, so far as he was concerned. His head dropped onto his chest and he began to snore.
Garrison grinned to himself. He'd rarely seen the Cockney so tense. Actor smiled at the Warden. "I don't think Goniff enjoyed our time in France."
"I should say not. What about you? Meet anyone nice?"
Actor's hands caressed the rolled up canvas he was holding. "Oh yes. I shall be sorry to see her go."
"All good things come to an end, Actor."
"That is true. However, I do not have to let her go just yet. We have to reach England first." He unrolled the painting and allowed his eyes to wander over the beauty of the Fallen Madonna once more. "She is...." He frowned.
"Actor?" Garrison sat up slightly. Actor looked almost upset - and that was a first for the Italian con man who rarely showed his true feelings.
"This is a forgery." Actor's face and voice betrayed his disbelief. It couldn't be a forgery. It had never been out of their sight.
"You mean we went through all that for nothing?" Casino demanded angrily as Garrison grabbed the fake from Actor's hands.
Chief sat back with a resigned look on his face and sighed. It was typical of their luck that something had gone wrong.
"No," Actor interrupted them. "This is not the painting we got from Herr Flick's safe."
Briefly, Garrison considered the possibility of one of his men having swapped it, but dismissed the notion. They had had no chance of getting a replacement fake. "How? When?" he demanded. "It's never been out of my sight."
"Except when you were sleeping," Actor pointed out.
"Mimi? But she didn't manage to get into the room."
Goniff stirred in his sleep at the sound of the dreaded name but the others ignored him.
Casino's face flushed with anger. Yvette. He knew it had to be.
"Madame Edith." Chief's voice was quiet but it stopped Casino in his tracks.
"What?" Casino looked at the Indian. Maybe it wasn't Yvette after all.
"Madame Edith took the painting and cleaned it off," Chief pointed out.
"Madame Edith? I don't believe it!" Garrison was astonished. She hadn't seemed the type.
"No, not her. Her husband." Actor sat back with an angry look on his face. He hated being tricked and few were skilful enough to get away with it.
Garrison rolled up the forgery and handed it back to the Italian. "Well, Actor, I guess you can keep this. I doubt that the free French Government would be interested in a fake, no matter how good it is."
"There are bound to be other missions to France, Lieutenant," Actor pointed out softly.
Garrison smiled. He could always improvise a visit to Rene Artois' caf�. He was good at improvising.
~finis~
