The Word
Throughout my 13 years of life,
There has been one word that struck
Fear, jealousy, and hatred into my heart.
It has pestered me for so long,
I've forgotten how many years it's been.
It haunts my dreams,
Be it night or day.
Yet, it's only a word.
A measly little word with too much power.
It's not something that I've found others fear,
Only me.
While others rejoice with it's name,
I despise it to the depths of my soul.
But I fear the opposite of what you may think.
I fear that it won't come,
That it will pass me over as if I was insignificant and unworthy.
I'm jealous,
Of those who have received
What I've wanted and dreamed of for so long.
Yet, I despise this word as much as I want it,
For all of the grief it has caused me.
That stupid word.
LOVE.
Depression
love is a forbidden usage of my time
i am compelled to tell you my feelings
but the words are glued in my throat from fear
i feel alone without you and long to hold you in my arms
i am selfish
i want you all to myself, and am jealous of everyone else who has someone that loves them back
i am afraid
afraid of what could happen
afraid of what we could lose
afraid of your contradicting feelings
afraid of my embarrassment
my feelings
held in for so long
are eating me from the inside out
to you i seem cold
sick
disturbed
yet i know that my disease is the happiness draining slowly from my body
i seldom laugh
i seldom cry, though i long to
i am but a reflection of a life that could have been whole
it is both my fault and yours
mine for wanting you
putting you through the torture of my unexplained silences
frowns
depression
your fault for existing, to be capable of receiving my love, for being there for me to love
i do not blame you
nor wish to put you under pressure
nor wish to harm you physically
mentally
subliminally
i do not want you to feel obliged
sympathetic
i thank you for always being there
and know that you are the greatest friend that i ever had
i cherish every moment that i spend with you
i hate myself for wanting more
i hate me
i despise me
i loathe me
i know that i should be content with our friendship
i should be happier than could ever be described in words
i should cartwheel down the hall
have motivation to do the impossible
but i don't
because i am selfish
lazy
confused
you're scared by my words
my feelings
the truth
my intentions are good
my reasons understandable
you once gave me a chance
i blew it
i may never get another one
but i would do anything for another chance
with these words
goes both relief and anxiety
relief of the burden that has clouded over the Eden of my life for these many years
anxiety of your response
feelings
silence
i do not know what is going to act as the patch
in the gaping hole of my life
my heart
my soul
but i am sure that something good can come of this
if i am compelled by love
Tornado
Daybreak didn't come that day
The sky kept darkening with ominous black clouds that engulfed the town
When the wind started to howl, I knew
But I refused to believe that it was happening
There on the horizon, swirling like a spinning top and camouflaged into the sky
A tornado, gaining speed and ground as every second passed
I stood frozen in place, eyes wide with horror
The twister ripped up structures made to last centuries
As if they were built of cards
Screaming was heard for miles around as lives were taken
Then it came searching for more prey . . .
I ran for my life
Debris crashing into me, thrown by the monster
Every step I took burned in my chest
Tearing at my lungs and heart
�This is what it wanted,� I knew
My total and utter defeat
I collapsed in the road
The wind took up a cackling laughter
It threw another plank which battered my face
Just for its satisfaction
I tasted blood, heard mocking, felt raindrops, lost the will to live.
