| Chapter 4 Back to Interlude The journey by which we arrived in some fields, which added new meaning to the word mud, I will not bother to relate. There was a sign stuck in the ground saying �No dumping of carrots�. I had acquired, without noticing it, a cloak which smelled of pigeon and, for some reason, marmite. I wasn�t sure where I�d got it from but the squirrels were prime suspects. (They had not, to my disappointment, died in a mincing machine.) �Look,� said Lily, �a Ford.� Sure enough, a Ford Anglia was making slow, rusty progress though the mud. Lily strolled over and tapped on the window. She talked briefly with the man and returned, looking slightly bemused. �He said the Camp site�s two fields over and that he doesn�t even like carrots.� She reported. �Oh,� I replied, �good. Can I have a sandwich?� I enjoyed a corned beef and marmalade sandwich as we tramped through still more mud. �Lily,� I said, �what was going through your mind when you decided on sandwich fillings?� � �S better thn kangaroo.� She replied. I thought this was disputable but decided not to dispute. There was mud in my boot. �Why can�t you even get a good quality outfit together?� I asked the squirrels, angrily. �I bet no other elves have to put up with this sort of bad foot wear. I bet they�ve got Wellingtons. Cushy idiots.� They made no reply, except to be nauseating. I looked back over my shoulder. The man with the car was pouring sack loads of carrots round the sign asking people not to dump them. I quickly looked away, not wanting to get involved with more mad people than I could handle in one day. Lot 23 of Midleigh campings was filled with a pokey purple tent. Seeing as it was impossible to knock on the door, I knocked on the canvas. �Wrong tent.� Came a voice from inside. �But, are you �� �No. I�m not here, and I�ve never heard of this campsite, either.� �Well what are you doing here then?� asked Lily. Front of the tent was unzipped and a sword poked through. �Camping.� Said the voice, �got a problem with that?� �No�� Lily replied, �but I�m not afraid of your sword. It�s made of tinfoil.� �Look, it was the best I could do on short notice. Now stop talking to people who aren�t here and go away.� The sword withdrew. �Right.� I said and drew my own sword, pushing it through the gap. �Fob me off with excuses again and you will find out that this sword is sharp and � in my hand.� I finished lamely. �And not made of tinfoil.� Put in Lily. Despite the crapness of our threats, a pale watery man emerged from the tent and stood looking sullen. �Now help me.� I said. �I�m in a hurry and I smell of bird.� He smiled at the sword, as if this would make it less sharp and pointy-at-him. He held up both hands. �Look, I think the problem is that�� he trailed off. �Yes?� �Is that we�re not focusing on the focus. We�ve got to put all the main focus on the focus point to achieve the right focus on the goal at hand, I�� �If you think,� I said, cutting him off, �that Lily and I haven�t talked rubbish at people to make them go away, you�d be in a different dimension to the truth. We�re masters of that and your amateurish skills do not work on us. Get on with turning me back to normal.� He had gone a bit white. He obviously thought he�d invented it. I laughed inwardly at this ridiculous notion. �You�re hiding from someone, aren�t you?� said Lily, �Who?� �Customers.� He whispered, glancing at a nearby caravan as if they might come at him at any moment. �They�re everywhere, offering me money all the time! I can�t sleep at night!� Neither of us had really expected him to say this, and, for the fist time in a while I was genuinely a bit shocked. �Well, living in a tent won�t improve your nights.� I said. �I�ll tell you the whole story.� He said. �Just a short synopsis would be fine.� Said Lily, but he ignored her. �I was a bit short of cash.� He went on, �I was quite good at mending dishwashers and simple plumbing, that sort of thing. I put out some flyers saying I fixed things. But,� he paused, dramatically, �it went terribly wrong. �People started coming with problems I couldn�t fix. One man had accidentally shaved all his cows and wanted me to make their hair grow back for the next day. The next day! I told him I couldn�t and he threatened to sue me for false advertising. After that, I went out and collected every one of my flyers, but they kept coming. A group of twelve wanted to unlearn Klingon!� �Klingon?� asked Lily. �The language.� He said, dismissively �It went on and on. You�d be surprised at the sort of weird problems people have.� �Try me.� I said, darkly. �Yes, well, I can�t help you, so if you�ll excuse me, I�m going back into hiding. They�ll be here soon, with their problems.� He shuddered, and crawled back inside the tent. I turned to go, when a strange feeling welled up in my mutated heart. It felt horribly like compassion. �Noo�� I moaned Lily gripped my arm. �What is it?� �Gallantry.� I grunted. She blanched. �Fight it, Liz!� she warned. �Can�t. Must. Help. Unfortunates�� �Liz! You can fight it, it�s just the elvishness!� shouted Lily. It was too late. �Good sir!� I cried. �Come out of hiding! No longer shall these wretches pursue you!� I unzipped the tent and hauled the rather frightened looking man out by one arm. �Liz, you�re scaring me.� Said Lily �And me.� Said the man. �Come, friend,� I went on, �do not fear. What is thy name?� �Erm � Gideon.� �Gideon,� I said solemnly, taking my sword, �I name this sword Customer Render and I give it to you, for your need is�OWWW!� I pulled a squirrel off my head, which had been trying to scalp me. �I don�t think they want you to give it away.� Said Lily. �Well if they try to come between me and my sword again, I�ll use it on them.� I replied, retuning temporarily to my normal state of mind. They seemed to get the message and went off to sulk. �I give it to you, for your need is great.� I finished, shoving the sword into his hand. He looked at it like it might explode. Then he looked at me. �Where is she?� he asked �Who?� I said. �The strange tall one, with the fancy dress and the revolving eyes.� �Look,� I said, �I just helped you out, bigtime. There�s no need to make personal comments!� �You?� �Whoa. I just used the word bigtime. Oh dear�� I went on. �I�m confused.� Said Gideon. �Look,� Lily cut in, �you�ve got your sword and we�re going home. I can�t be bothered to explain all this.� She grabbed my arm and dragged me in the direction of the train station. I simultaneously tripped over my cloak and realised what had happened. �Oh!� �Yup.� �Yahoo!!!!� �Please don�t say that.� �Lets� go home, I�ve got mud on my tunic.� �So you have. It was always magically clean before.� I grinned down at the mess and burst into hysterical laughter. *** �Hey, I�ve got a letter.� �Why don�t you read it out, so we can all revel in your joy?� said Lily. �You�re just jealous coz they didn�t write to you.� I said, �Dear Sir/Madam, Congratulations! You have been selected to become our new god. Services to you will be held twice daily at 2am and 5.56pm. Please, feel welcome to come along to tell us who you are so we can worship you in an acceptable manner. Yours sincerely �� I sank to the floor. �Please, no�� �There, there.� Said Lily, �it can�t be as bad as the last time.� Read page 2 Back to fiction |