| wasssaaaaaap! |
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| i decided today that this journal really sucks because we never write in it. so i should write something already. but you know, lately i have been talking all around myself but i can't talk about myself, which is what this journal is supposed to be for. |
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| i've been feeling very withdrawn lately, like i want to sit back and watch the world rather than participate in it. i think this is due to some of the depression we've been hit with again. i don't feel depressed the way nikki or leslie feel depressed... i don't get that ohgodiwannadie feeling... but i do get rather apathetic . i just don't care much about anything, so i don't react much to anything, which makes me bland. no wonder i don't want to talk, i've got nothing to talk about... i'm not engaged in anything remotely interesting really because nothing looks remotely interesting. |
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| i have been fighting a bit on the DP list but that was the only thing that's come along that even moved me enough to get bitchy all over somebody. |
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| i am such a liar when i say i haven't been doing anything. it's just that almost everything i have been doing has been in a place that you can't see, just because you don't share this body. so i say i am doing nothing because that's what you would see if you were watching me. |
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| i've stirred up some shit in here. nikki is sliding down the depression tunnel, so she's buried herself in a back room somewhere. but that has nothing to do with me. i don't think. leslie still hasn't come back from her near-dead state she went into since the last time i wrote about her. we're running out of "hosts" :P i've still got the usual anti-boat-rocking crew here to keep life nice and crisis-free... loreen and joleen who interact more outside the system (meaning with R and our kidlet and other people), and the kids too. there's a kid i don't know well who has taken to following me around from time to time, but today she's hiding too. she picked the name Randi, i don't know why, but she says that her goal is to be "like me" (or so she tells the other kids). i dunno what to think of that. i'm no shining example, nor am i am parent. |
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| but i've been doing a LOT of poking around at people who normally only sneak out for maybe an hour at a time, and enticing them to stay out for situations where they normally wouldn't be involved. i got it in my head that half our problem is that we are not well-evolved enough as individuals... most of us only get slices of life, not life as a whole, not life as a monominded person would live it. if all dirtygirl ever sees is sex, how is she supposed to know what the rest of life is like? if the basement wanderers only know isolation, how are they ever supposed to be able to deal with people? |
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| so i am being the big shit disturber and dragging people out. i can do that to some people but not others. i can physically take them and shove them into the front. yeah it's mean, kinda like throwing someone into the deep end of the pool to teach them how to swim. but nobody in here listens to "oh come on now just try it won't be so bad"... they only react to being forced to do anything. argh. |
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| i'll write more about the effects this is having on the main floor when i am feeling more introspective. right now there's too much going on around me, too many people paying attention, and i can't get into the right frame of mind to explain how things are different. i gotta write about it soon though, because i have to find a way to explain to our therapist what i have been up to. i lost time on the way to therapy last session, and ended up being late because one of the kids got off the bus on the way there. losing more time is one of the effects of the stuff i am doing in here, but i couldn't explain that to him last time. it was one of the first sessions i've been to and actually took over the speaking, so i'm still not quite sure what i want to say to him and what i don't yet. at least with this dude i feel like i maybe could say some of this, without getting the eyebrow. he seems to get it, sort of. we'll see. |
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