i have been lying in bed all day, save for a few short moments this morning. i wanted to get out of bed, i wanted to do something that would stop this inertia. my body weighs eight hundred pounds today. it took me from 1230 until 145 to move as far as the puter. thats about six steps once you are standing up.

i keep having to take breaks writing this to put my head down on the desk.

there's a lead weight in my chest. it's hard to breathe. my arms and legs are so heavy.

i do not feel sad. i feel totally removed from the world. everything is unreal, you all are unreal in this moment. you are all figments of my imagnation that i am talking to.

i wish i could say its the drugs but i dont even have any except the prescription kind and i cant swallow them right now. i am swallowing pepsi for the sugar and thats hard enough.

i have been laying in that bed feeling like i am already dead. this is not sad. its not a good or bad feeling. it just is. i think this is what it feels like to be dead. you cant move but you dont care. you dont want for anything really. you simply have an awareness of what the moments of your life have been, and what they might have been, and it is neither positive nor negative. just endless in possibility. you can revisit a single second of your life and stretch it out ad infinitum, turn it over in your mind, peer into all the places your mind was too busy to notice before. you can drift on the remembered smell of morning dew for an eternity. it is perfect lucidity. it is perception, pure, without the need for action.

i have lost my mind. i don't care. i wonder if this is what a coma feels like. no i havent lost my mind, i just lost the consensual world. my mind is still here, its the world thats gone.

there is no panic. there is no fear, no anger, no sadness, no happiness, no anything. i simply am. and i don't want the world to come back. i want to sleep forever.

there is something else in this psychic death. there is no regret. i do not regret a single moment of this life. even the bad parts. the bad parts brought me here to you, and i have never known people such as you here. (note: this was for online friends at a favorite forum).

i do not know what will happen to me. already i can feel myself being pulled away, the heaviness in my body being replaced by the faraway lightness of another.

don't forget me. i will still be here, but i may not be able to reach you anymore. i will never forget any of you. you made my last months as host very rich.