| just wanted to tell everyone that i've been reading a lot more than i've been posting. i feel kinda crappy for not responding as much as i could have. i'm just slightly (ha!) self-absorbed right now. |
| |
| to tell you the truth, i'm scared. (i'll never hear the end of this inside for actually writing that down - yes Mallory feels fear too, dammit). |
| |
| i know that our system is reorganizing again. i haven't been blessed with the knowledge of HOW, though i just feel leslie pulling further and further away, and nikki too. i'm scared of being the host. i have a sneaky suspicion that i'll be in charge for a bit. i don't want to. |
| |
| wait, that's not entirely true. i wouldn't mind being the boss for awhile. i just know what that would do to the life that the others have "created". i can't live this way. i know i will upset the apple cart. i don't know if i can honor leslie's commitments. |
| |
| if i am the host, that means i get to make those decisions, right? |
| |
| already i hear the kids howling at the idea that i might not choose to live with the SO. they are very attached to him. i don't know how to honor their feelings for him. i don't think he's done anything to deserve that loyalty. i think we all deserve more than what we have here. so many of us don't think so, though.... all they see is that he doesn't yell or say mean things, so that makes him a hero. there's more to it than that. it's not enough to not be a perp. isn't there supposed to be more than that from the person you live with? the person you're supposed to be getting married to someday? |
| |
| this has been really heavy on my mind, holidays and all. it's been really hard to play nice. i know that this is the first xmas that he and his family have spent without their mother, so i've been biting my tongue to give him some space. not that he seems bothered by the fact that his mother is gone. nobody even mentioned it. |
| |
| that seems like a good analogy for the way he handles everything. if the dude doesn't cry at the loss of his mother, how do we expect him to show empathy for us? |
| |
| this is turning into a bitch session about our SO. sorry. i've just bottled up so many feelings over the last few weeks that i feel like i am going to explode. i actually feel like crying - how strange. not that i could cry, i don't think - i've never cried before. but my eyes feel funny and i have a big lump in my throat. |
| |
| and rogue is never more than arms length away from me, although we're not as close as before. she's got some powerful emotions in there - it's like everything she feels is turned up to maximum volume. and she doesn't even know the SO yet, she's only watched him a little. she keeps waking him up in the night with her screaming. not to mention waking up the rest of us. superduck is a permanent fixture in the bed this week. |
| |
| i really need to talk about this but i am not very organized about it (that's a leslie talent). when i try to be honest my feelings are all over the place, sorry if this is hard to understand. i am told that it's because i wait too long to say anything, and then when i do talk it all comes out mixed up together. |
| |
| oh yeah up there i was saying i am doing more reading than posting. i hear you guys, i really do - it's just that i'm kinda paralyzed right now in terms of what to say about anything. |
| |
| hugs, drinks, or a firm handshake.... |
| |
| Mallory |
 �
 �
|