| HOW TO HAVE MALLORY HAIR: |
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mix extra-strength blondissma. cough and choke on fumes. stick head outside. breathe. |
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| hold breath and begin brushing bleach onto roots. be very careful not to let chemicals touch scalp. |
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| inhale big breath of toxic fumes. gag. turn on fan. |
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| put more bleach on roots. dump some on scalp by accident. curse and swear. tell self that maybe this time it won't burn. continue applying bleach. |
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| try to see back of head without a rear-view mirror. try not to get bleach on scalp back there. mess it up totally. notice that top of head is starting to tingle. |
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| get startled by phone and drop bleach. curse and swear some more. clean up bleach before it colors the floor. inhale more fumes, repeat gagging noise. |
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| jump up and down because all top and back of head are now burning like a forest fire. color of fire is appropriate, as roots are now flaming orange instead of blonde. stick head outside to cool it off and hope nobody sees, because you look ridiculous. |
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| sit and smoke cigarette. sit on hands so you won't tear out burning hair. |
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| look at color fifty times until it isn't going to get any lighter. wish you were a natural blonde. |
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| stand in cold shower. freeze and not care because the fire on your head is now extinguished. |
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| apply poppy red dye to roots of hair. get mad because there isn't enough to redo the whole thing. |
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| smoke another cigarette. post at the blackboard to friend while trying not to scratch small red bumps that are appearing on back of neck. |
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| the next step will be to wash the red out and say i'm never doing this again, at least not for another eight weeks. |
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| i hope you're laughing at me because i am. vanity is a sin for a good reason LOL - it hurts! |
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| Mallory |
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