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Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
| SCHIZOPHRENIA | Do You Hear What I Hear? |
| MULTIPLE PERSONALITY | We Three Queens Disoriented Are. |
| DEMENTIA | I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. |
| NARCISSISTIC | Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) |
| MANIA | Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense! |
| PARANOIA | Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me. |
| PERSONALITY DISORDER | You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. |
| OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE | Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... |
| PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE | On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). |
CAT TEST
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To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine, Foster, & Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and aides. It involves three simple steps: 1) place testee in empty room facing far wall; 2) place cat in center of room, close and latch door; 3) after 10 minutes, open the door. Algozzine et al., note that the CAT TEST allows fine discriminations between subclassifications of emotional disturbance . They offer the following guidelines for interpretation of results: 1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE: four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be found in the corners of room - cat alive, but cold. 2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT: fur scattered randomly about room and on testee - cat alive, still cold. 3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE): pieces of cat scattered randomly about room - cat terminated. 3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE): pieces of testee scattered randomly about the room - emotionally stability of cat suspect. 4. SEVERE PATHOLOGY: only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely about testee's head - cat assumed terminated. 5. PARANIOD REACTION: testee cowering in far corner of room - cat alive and sleeping in center of room. 6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION: testee in center of room carrying on long existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused. 7. NEUROTIC REACTION: testee asking for advise about migraine headache - cat alive and still confused. 8. CATATONIC REACTION: testee in corner of room with back arched, hair on end, hissing, and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat alive and confused. |
The Top 16 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
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16. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
15. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA. 14. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer. 13. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch. 12. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise. 11. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation. 10. Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menedez Family Christmas." 9. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer. 8. Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house. 7. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore. 6. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities. 5. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down." 4. You *finally* get your work published in a major newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you. 3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum. 2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey. 1. No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a methamphetamine lab. |
Ethical Principles of Psychotherapy
(updated for the 90s)
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It is unethical to:
Inquire about whether you are in the will of a suicidal client. Use whoopee cushions on anxious clients. Do John Wayne impersonations during a homosexual panic. Double bill for obese clients. Use an ejector button at the end of 50 minutes. Contaminate elegant interpretations with reality. Measure lateness in milliseconds to compulsive clients. Refer to ECT as a kind of breakdancing. Diagnose a client as borderline just because they have more fun than you. Arm wrestle over the truth of an interpretation. Reply to disclosures of wrong-doing with, "You slimeball." Say to a guilt-prone person, "You never call, you never write - Oy." Use thumbscrews on resistant clients. Sneak up on paranoid clients and yell, "Booga-booga." |
Q: How many psychologist internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,332
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1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 28 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs. 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey. 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb. |
Are YOU a problem thinker?
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It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself. But I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. |