- from the movie Pi, 1998
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| our sister came to visit this weekend... what a wonderful treat :) for the purposes of this journal, i'll call her April (she'll understand why hehe). |
| it was so great to see April again. if i had to call her anything else but April, I'd call her Miracle... it's a miracle that she was raised by our family and still lives in hellville and is STILL an incredibly intelligent and sensitive human being. i don't think she understands truly how rare she is in her environment... how rare she is anywhere for that matter. in a town where rumors make the rules, she maintains an open mind and a closed mouth about her. she's a quiet person, who thinks before speaking, and remains ever vigilant of the feelings of others. she has a fabulous sense of humor and the spirit of an underdog... if you take the time to get to know her :) |
| people sometimes mistake her for being snobbish rather than shy - i think this is because she has learned to project an aura of strength in her silence instead of one of fear. April spent many years as a child displaying her fear unabashedly - she cried on a daily basis for the first fourteen years of her life (until she ran away from home). this is not to say she was encouraged to do so; she was most often dismissed or humiliated (even by us) for crying over things that the rest of us chose not to acknowledge as hurtful. if our home had an emotional thermometer, it was April. she cried the tears we didn't cry as well as her own. and she was right to cry. there was a lot to cry about, but April was the only one of us who wore it on her sleeve (much to her dismay). |
| i showed her a bit of this journal while she was here, and we talked a bit more about the dx than we had before. she's so supportive and non-judgemental - she believes me without a doubt, and does not question why i have reacted the way i have to our family situation. we talked at some length about the current tensions in our family (over the no-communication issue), and also about our childhood. someone (i'm not sure who) was brave enough to ask her for information about the people we suspect were the perpetrators of the sexual abuse we experienced (April was not molested). our feelings about one person in particular were confirmed and reinforced (unknowingly) - this person has been sexually forward with April in the past as well, forward to a point of scaring her. she informed us that this person is on the outs with other family members because of his violent behaviour. she also sort of candidly mentioned that nothing would surprise her about this person - she thinks he's capable of anything terrible you might imagine. April doesn't say this about a lot of people - she's used to the rough, redneck nature of the men we grew up with, and forgives even more than she should. this person goes beyond that. |
| so the rest of the weekend was spent having body memories and flashbacks... this confirmation has given others a little more "permission" to share memories, i think.... and it's hell. i might sound sort of cold writing about this, but i really can't risk displaying emotion right now. we're locked up tighter than a bank vault in terms of emotional expression. but on the inside, things are falling apart rapidly. the depression we began to notice last week (and mislabeled pms) is still here - we're sleeping either way too long or hardly at all. thoughts of death are frequent, thoughts of fugue and sabotage are constant. it's one of those "real close to a revelation" kind of things. the kind of shit that the front people can't have too much access to without cracking up. so it's like this - there's chaos and pain abounding at arms length, and it reaches out and slaps you every few minutes... but you know you can't get close enough to it to understand it, or it'll suck you in too. i have to let whoever is fighting about this work it out amongst themselves, and that sucks because it could go on for as long as they want. those of us closest to the front door here have to sit in a stupor until it dies down. helpless. i hate it. |
| oddly, one of our more precocious kids, junebug, has been running around being more social than usual. i have no idea what that's about, but i'm glad to see her. she seems to be pretty happy, albeit defensive about something. she doesn't want to talk to me, she just wants to talk to other insiders and outside people. gotta let that one go too. |
| outside of this head, there's not a whole lot else going on here. Mr. Hat came to visit last week, which was really cool... it's easy to be social with him because we never have to talk about anything serious if we don't want. we can just smoke together and play games and laugh. it's all good. haven't seen anarchia lately, but got a chance to yak on the phone with her a bit which was nice (we miss her). our online relationships are suffering terribly right now, because we're sitting in a stupor trying not to freak out. funny, it's actually harder to talk to online friends than 3d friends right now, because it's harder to lie to our online friends. those of you know know us online usually get the honest deal out of us... and we pride ourselves that these very relationships were built on honesty. when we don't want to spread our pain around we lie and make light of things - and none of us seems prepared to do that online. i guess that's a good thing in a twisted way. i just hope we don't isolate so long that we lose touch with people. |
| okay nikki enough blathering for now. i'm going to see if i can figure out where lysergia is (weird not to have her up front with me). i can't find mallory either. oh well at least somebody's getting a break from this (i hope). |
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| what we're pondering |
| "Personal note: When I was little my mother told me not to stare into the sun, so when I was six I did." - from the movie Pi, 1998 |
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