| something interesting occurred to me today while i was reading. many of us have always dreamed of writing a novel. or just writing professionally, period. but most of all, it's been the idea of writing a whole book, a completely legible and interesting slice of an imaginary life, that has been the most tantalizing dream we could muster for ourselves. it also seems completely out of reach, and always has. a few of us have tried before and abandoned our attempts by page 150. |
| i always thought it was a self-esteem thing, an efficacy thing. we just didn't have the confidence, the practice, or the patience to write and rewrite a few hundred pages that all belonged to the same story. ideas come and are forgotten before ever being set to ink (or .txt format, as we write now). we never thought we would have a problem with ability, so much as a problem with using our ability. |
| today i realized that there is something even bigger than this that stops us from reaching that goal. it's the danger of partaking in the creation of fiction. there is something fundamental in our collective conscience that says writing a story is the same as lying. i am attempting to dissect this, pick it apart so that i can unravel the mystery of our fear of telling tales. maybe then we can just let the words flow without feeling the need to destroy them. |
| when i work through a possible story line in my mind, as i do several times a week, what interrupts me are thoughts of "it wasn't like that, it didn't happen that way". i argue back to these thoughts and tell them i don't need to tell the truth, i am making up a story. i then get told that stories are dangerous (i don't know who tells me this), but i cannot get an answer to why. so now i'm speculating. |
| other random feelings/thoughts/messages associated with this phenomenon: - you're a bad girl for lying and makingg something up - i won't let you write THAT down - you can't say that she did that, somebbody else did that - people will know who you're really tallking about, you know - you might as well just open yourself uup with a surgical knife if you want everyone to see what's inside (?) - somebody will get you for writing thatt down |
| why does this happen? just focusing on this is making my hands shake. there is a real fear here that something bad will happen for writing something that isn't totally accurate. we can sit here and write our most private thoughts and feelings, even publish them on the web, but we can't make up a story about a three-legged pond creature from Mars or we'll get in trouble. it has to do with the kids somehow, they are very wound up when i say i want to figure this out. somebody doesn't want me to know something about this. but i have to know or we can't get beyond it. these paradoxes drive me insane. |
| and now i have to back out of this topic because i am going to switch if i don't - i can feel it. i got the fear, Hunter. |
| any ideas on this would be greatly appreciated. send them to me. |
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| - nikki |
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