| This journal has now been officially hijacked! |
| |
| Lysergia is having a rough time of it right now. So much so, that I (Nikki that is) have decided to do what I swore I would never do again, which was take her place at the front of the bus (as she likes to call it). |
| |
| Why, you ask? Is that why am I up front, or why did I swear I'd never do this again? (I love pretending I have an audience, especially one that talks back hehehehe). |
| |
| Well, I guess I'll talk about both answers. First of all, Lysergia will not be able to get through the next little while without supervision and medication, neither of which are available. We're just too broke, and we don't know anyone who is willing to help look after her in the way that she needs to get through the day. Let's just say she's having anxiety attacks and flashbacks at a faster rate than a precocious kid's eyelashes can flutter. The end result of letting this continue is too morbid to talk about. |
| |
| And the second "why"....well, I said I wouldn't bail her out anymore because it usually involves picking up the pieces of the life she let fall apart while she was losing it. I got a little sick of walking into the metaphorical party just as the cops were busting it up - and being the one left to both pay the fine AND clean the mess. Last time I did that, I actually ended up depressed (damn!), and let me tell you it's no picnic. So I said that's it, whatever you end up doing is your own damned business and I'll just let you deal with it. I don't think that was a good idea. She didn't deal very well. |
| |
| So, I'm back in the driver's seat (moan whine pout). I don't like being the boss anymore (did I just say that?). I don't like it because it means I'm supposed to keep track of "real life" (read: the consensual perception of events people like to call the "real world"). It means that I have to honor obligations that I didn't even make. Like being a mother or doing whatever job somebody else got or being nice to other kaleidescopes' friends. My own preference is to pop in and out of the inside/outside world whenever the mood strikes. And the mood hasn't struck too often in the last six months (I just figured out today that it's been that long since I spent any amount of time being an embodied human). |
| |
| So quit whining already eh? Yeah yeah, I chose to do this. It's because I actually like living (most of the time) that I'm taking the reins. Wouldn't you? If faced with the possibility of not ever having life again, because someone else would end it? |
| |
| I don't know if it's been like this for a really long time and I just didn't notice, or if this has just developed over the last six months, but... outside life has become really really different than it used to be. The biggest change is not living with our outside daughter. While I admit that I feel relieved about this, I also feel a little out of sorts. I had grown pretty fond of the kidlet, and I think she added more good than grief to my life. On the other hand, I'm glad she hasn't been here to see her mother going coconuts. Little kids can be pretty big triggers. |
|
| |
| This relationship with R is a whole lot different now too. Different in a bad way. It's been a long time since I've had a good look in his eyes, and I don't like what I see. I know that look. I've seen my own face look like that when I want OUT of a relationship I feel trapped in. The silent bitterness, the unsaid accusations, the pent-up frustration, the martyrdom of being in a relationship with someone who isn't making you very happy. You know that look? That look when someone says "I love you" as a completely expressionless, automatic response. The forced smiles, the polite answers. I think most people have been there. |
| |
| How has this happened? What the heck is this about? I want very badly to ask R these questions, but even the "meaningless" questions I ask him barely elicit a response. I think I'd wanna pound him with a pair of soggy pantyhose if he replied "I dunno" (one more time). So I've been biting my tongue, but man I am not very good at shutting up when I'm curious about something. |
| |
| It bugs me. It bugs me on one level knowing that I'm getting "punished" for a situation I didn't have anything to do with (fuck you grammar police, I end MY sentences with prepositions!). But I don't think that R knows who is who to a large degree, so I don't think he understands that I am not the one he's been living with for the last six months. Beyond that, I don't think it matters to him anyway: he still sees us as parts of Lysergia's personality. So it doesn't matter to him that we can't control each other to the degree that we have a completely "united front" (I feel like a skinhead saying that!). To him, all of our actions are her actions. So if he's pissed with her, he's pissed with me and everyone else in here. Ouch! |
| |
| I don't much like admitting this, but it also bugs me because I'm still very much in love with R. I'm the one that picked him, and the others followed. And now he doesn't treat me the same way anymore because of baggage that belongs to him and Lysergia. It hurts. I miss him dearly, and I can't seem to reach him anymore. He's gone to that place in his mind where feelings don't exist. |
| |
| Maybe things will change. Maybe this is a small issue that will blow over. I just wish I knew how things got this way, and Lysergia's too far inside (and far too depressed) to talk to about it. I guess I just want to fix it. I don't want to be ignored/rejected for whatever reason, not when there's a chance that it could be different. |
| |
 �
 �
|