| (ahem)...hi... |
| Whoo boy does it feel strange to be back. This is definitely one of the stranger mental vacations I have taken. (I guess I should tell you it's Lysergia writing this time... Nikki has done such a good job maintaining this journal while I was away, I feel that I am suddenly invading her territory!). I think it would be better to say that this is "our" journal from now on. It's definitely the richer for having more input :) |
| Oh yes, as I was saying... this has been a weird few weeks for me. They have not been pleasant, but I have learned much. Nikki and I remained co-conscious for most of the time, which is a first for us really. We can usually only stay co-conscious for short periods of time. I think we did some kind of weird blending thing too... I don't really understand it (these are the times I wish I had a therapist who understood this stuff). It's like I can "feel" her and she can "feel" me and our thoughts are almost mixed up together, but I still own my thoughts and she still owns hers. I know that makes absolutely no sense, especially if you're not a multi, but it's my story right now and I'm stickin' to it. |
| The other weird thing is that I got to look at some of our internal landscape for the first time while I was inside. See, before now, when I dissociated I simply did not exist... or I existed from "behind" another alter, watching through their eyes while not being able to control what was happening. This time I got to see some of the inside places where the kaleidescopes go when they aren't looking outward. I started making a picture of it yesterday, but I'm not finished it yet. I haven't seen everything yet. I must admit that I feel overwhelmed and scared by what I saw. But at the same time, there was an odd feeling of "coming home", too. The places I have been in my dreams that always gave me "deja-vu" feelings upon waking were really images of my internal house. I feel relieved... it makes sense now. I don't have to be afraid of those dreams anymore, because I know where I am when I have them. I'm still scared of what I'll find in the other rooms. I'm still scared of some of the rooms I have already found. There are boards over the doors to some places, even iron fences, and I am damned sure that there are good reasons for that. I have small flickers of pictures in front of my eyes now that I never had before. I am being let into the house. I feel as honored as I feel afraid. |
| I know the worst is yet to come. But I know the best is yet to come too. I hope I don't get so scared that I run from this again. I want to be brave, I want to stay and embrace the family inside me I never knew. Those people saved my life. Some of those people endured unspeakable pain so that I could grow up and become a "sane" adult. I cannot even begin to come to terms with my gratitude and my guilt... yet. But I don't want to run anymore. Not today. |
| I met two new adult kaleidescopes this week. Well, they're not new, they're just new to me. Their names are Loreen and Joleen. Today Loreen was kind enough to type a short bio for me so I could include it with the rest. I also had my suspicions confirmed that there is a small child inside who may very well be the birth person. I suspected that I wasn't the "real deal" in terms of linear consciousness from the time of physical birth. I want to tell you her name, but it so closely resembles the birth name that I dare not. Actually, she understands her name to be the "long version" of the birth name that was intended for us (but got shortened along the way). She is old enough to walk but younger than two. She's not a talker, although I think she probably could if she wanted to. She's beautiful, but she looks a little shell-shocked. It is her memories that I see when I think I can remember being her age. My "own" first memory is around age two-and-a-half, when my mother was pregnant with my sister. I remember sitting on her lap wanting to play with the baby inside. It is a happy memory. |
| I want to say a short bit about Nikki too. I want to tell her thank you for keeping this journal in my absence. I'm sure she'll be back to write more whenever "the mood strikes", as she says. She's still here with me, but she's "letting" me get my hands back into this project :) She's still feeling pretty bad right now (as am I really), but she fights so hard that I have much faith in her ability to cope. She has a lot of spirit. I am so proud that she can vocalize her pain the way she has. She still hasn't really told her story, but she doesn't hide that she hurts either. I can learn a few things from that girl. |
| Oh yeah, GO HERE NOW and click the "donate free food" button. Then, bookmark the site and click there EVERY DAY. It takes five seconds to look at the ads, and I'll support anything that helps spread the resources around (even a little bit). GO. NOW. Then come back here, of course :) |
| It's nice to be back in cyberland. |
| Oh and it's VERY OKAY to drop me an email with comments about the journal or the site in general. I know y'all are reading, that's what stat counters are for. I didn't bother to put up a guestbook, because I never sign them... Nikki says they're like answering machines, and I agree. But at the same time, I'd really like feedback (read: feedback, not flame). If you have a site or a journal of your own that you'd like me to link to, let me know. I'm all for supporting the cyberefforts of survivors and friends... just ask! I know that most personal sites I have visited have been through other folk's "links" pages, so it just might get you some attention too :) |
Reach a hand to the crescent moon
grab hold of the hollow
If she sits in the palm of the left
that moon will be fuller tomorrow
If she sits in the palm of the right
that moon is on the wane
and the love of the one who shares your bed
will be doing just the same
`Won't you come with me', she said,
`there's plenty of room in my iron bed
You're looking cold and tired
and more than a little human
I know I'm not part of the life you had planned,
but I think once your body feels my hand
your mind will change
and your heart will lose its pain'
Out among the fields gently hipped
beneath the corn,
Assiniboine bones beneath the highway
he stood there and he thought of home
A finger traces the path of a satellite
You're drawn to a distant copse of trees
A voice as sweet as Mare's Tail
clings to the prairie breeze
`Won't you come with me', she said,
`there's plenty of room in my iron bed
You're looking cold and tired
and more than a little human
I know I'm not part of the life you had planned,
but I think once your body feels my hand
your mind will change
and your heart will lose its pain'
Do I reach for you
when I know you're on the wane?
Do I sense you when I know you're not around?
Do I search for you
when I know you can't be found?
Do I dare to speak your name?
Raise your eyes to a moonless sky
and try to wish upon a rising star
Search all you want for her blessing
but you won't find her sparkling there
Now cast your eyes to a part of the sky
where nothing but darkness unfolds
and watch as all around you
she reveals the brilliance of secrets untold
Won't you come with me, she said,
there's plenty of room in my iron bed
You're looking cold and tired
and more than a little human
I know I'm not part of the life you had planned,
but I think once your body feels my hand
your mind will change
and your heart will lose its pain
-Crescent Moon, Micheal Timmons