Episode 21
Episode 22
Episode 23
Episode 24

Chapter 23

Confessions

Milly was working at the typewriter when her dad showed up at 10:00. She opened the door and saw him standing there with his two security guards.

            “This is a really nice place,” he said as if it some how eased his guilt to know she wasn’t living in some rat and roach infested hole some where. She wondered how he’d feel if he knew she paid the bills stripping. “You guys stay here,” he told his body guards.

            He walked in the door and Milly closed it behind him.

            “Wow,” he said looking at the mural.

            “Yeah, Adrian Bar owns the building. There is one in every room,” Milly said.

            Ralph ran in the room then and went to sniff her dad then ran over for her to pet him because she hadn’t in nearly ten minutes.

            “Nice dog.”

“I just made some green tea you want some?”

            “Sure.” He followed her into the kitchen. As she was pouring the tea he said, “Milly I don’t know what to say about Marcella.”

            “There’s nothing you can say. At least you didn’t vote for and campaign for the asshole who killed her,” Milly said.

            “Your mother still won’t talk to you?”

            “No, and I wouldn’t talk to her even if she wanted to talk to me.” Milly handed him the tea and clutched her own cup in her hands, finding the warmth comforting. “You know what fucking sucks, Dad? That I know you so little about you that I’ve known Tammy for almost a year and her mother and father for a few months now and I had no idea you and Willard were old friends. You know so little about me that you didn’t even recognize me and you thought Tammy was Marcella. It fucking sucks that all I know about you and my brother and sister is what I read in the tabloids and that you know nothing at all about me. It sucks that we are so far apart that when Marcella died that it never even crossed my mind to call you.”

            “I know, Milly.”

            “If you know, then why don’t you do something about it? Get in a damn plane and come see me, invite me to come see you. Pick up the phone more than twice a year.”

            “You could pick up the phone too, Milly.”

            “To do what? Talk to a father I’m pretty sure doesn’t want to talk to me?” Milly took a sip of her tea to wash her tears down. It tasted bitter. “Do you know what I do Dad? I write. I work at a club at night and I write all day and I wonder how come the only person who ever really loved me is dead. I tell you last night that she died and I could have told you my dog had been hit by a car for all the reaction you had. And by the way my dogs name is Ralph and my friends gave him to me after Marcella died.”

            “I’m sorry honey I just… I ran away. Willard was right. I just left your mother and I left you. I had to leave your mother but I should have never left you. I could have found a way to be a better father, at least not be the sort of asshole that you don’t think you can turn to. It’s no excuse but I was consumed with my work. I’ve got news for you, if you ever got to spend any time with your sister and brother they’d tell you I was a crappy father to them, too. I was always gone; I always put myself and my career over everything else. Angie,” that was her stepmother, “was just as busy with her career. We rolled over about three months ago, looked at each other, and realized we might as well have been sleeping with total strangers and that we’ve just been together so long now and there is so much money involved we’re just staying together out of habit. And what fucking sucks is that I have three beautiful kids and a gorgeous talented wife and I don’t know any of them and none of them know me.” He was crying now and she grabbed a paper towel and handed it to him. “I wasted my whole life acting and now I don’t know who the fuck I am and my career… I haven’t been in a hit in five years. The roles I can get are few and far between and if I’m not acting I’ve got nothing because I ignored everything else in my life.”

            “I’m not going to feel sorry for you, so you can just quit crying. I don’t know whether you’re acting now or if this is what you really feel,” Milly said. “You know what? I want you to see something. I need you to see something. Do you have time for me or are you going to blow me off now, too?”

            “No, I’ll go. If it’s important to you I want you to show me.”

“My God,” her father breathed.

            “That’s Marcella, Dad, that’s who she was,” Milly said at his shoulder. He nodded silently. “She was Adrian’s best friend, her mother’s only daughter, she was my life, and now she’s dead.” Milly couldn’t stop her tears from falling. She wiped them quickly away with the back of her hand.

            “Adrian painted it.”

            “Yes, and this is Willard’s building,” Milly said. “He let her paint it. Hell he paid her a small fortune to paint it.”

            “He always was a good man.” She saw her father wipe the tears from his own eyes. “That’s why he got so mad at me; he wanted me to do the right thing. I just wanted to do what I thought was right for me so I didn’t listen to him.”

Tammy went to get Milly to run and then remembered she was hanging out with her dad so she went and ran by herself trying to figure out what if anything was actually going on with Milly. They’d gone dancing had a great time and come in late; Tammy had gotten a shower and passed out.

            Milly, Milly was way out of her league, unless you believed what people said about Marcella. And then there was that—if she couldn’t compete with a living Jan how was she going to compete with a dead Marcella? Once people were dead the living seemed to forget that they’d ever had any bad qualities.

            She didn’t want to fuck up what she had with Milly now by trying to make it more than it was or could be. She already had Faye and Jan avoiding her like she had the plague. Francis said they were just trying to give her space and time to forgive them but she didn’t think she’d ever be able to just hang out at Faye’s watching movies and talking the way she had before they’d started having sex.

            It was hard not to have strong feelings for Milly. Milly moved and people wanted her; she spoke and people loved her. Milly was wonderful and when Tammy was with her she felt wonderful, too.

            A couple of girls at the club had come over to where they were sitting between dances the night before and tried to make time with Milly. She had told them she was with Tammy and Tammy had felt nine foot tall and bullet proof.

             She ran a little harder so that she wouldn’t think. It wasn’t as much fun without Milly. It was boring and tedious and basically just running in a big circle over and over and maybe she should just ask Milly what Milly wanted. She ran still harder till her heart was thundering in her ears. Maybe I’d better just play it cool and see what happens or I’ll just have one more person going out of their way to avoid me.

            She finished her run and drove home, took a shower, put on clean clothes and then went over to the caf� to get something to eat and ask Francis what she thought.

            She walked past two big guys standing just outside the front door and didn’t think anything of it till she walked in and Milly and her father were sitting at Tammy’s favorite table. Milly waved her over and Tammy walked slowly trying to think of some reason she had to leave right away. She didn’t think of anything so when Milly slapped the bench beside her Tammy sat down.

            “Hello,” Parker said.

            “Hello,” Tammy said nodding. She didn’t like him, her dad didn’t like him, Adrian didn’t like him, Marcella didn’t like him, and he treated Milly like shit so Tammy didn’t like him either.

            “This is a nice place,” Parker said.

            “Yeah,” Tammy said. She looked fleetingly over at where Adrian was tending the bar and wished she could have a beer or twenty. Here she was not knowing what she and Milly were doing—if they were doing anything at all—and she was sitting here with Milly and her extremely famous father that not even Milly knew and all she wanted to do was tell him off. She didn’t know whether that would get her points with Milly or take them away. And then she moved just a little bit and her thigh was against Milly’s and she didn’t want to move her leg so she didn’t. If it bothered Milly she could move her leg, after all no one told Milly to make Tammy come and sit with them.

            “What do you do Tammy?” Parker asked, obviously at much at a loss as she was.

            “I’m in college, I play basketball,” Tammy said with a shrug.

            “She’s probably going to go pro,” Milly said. She smiled at Tammy and suddenly Tammy didn’t want to be anyplace else in the world but right there.

            “And you’re Bud and Katie’s girl.” Bud was what her dad’s old friends called him.

            “Yes.”

            “I took my dad to see Adrian’s painting in your dad’s building so he could meet Marcella.”

            Tammy just nodded and didn’t say anything because well… What was she supposed to say to that? They’d already eaten and Milly had left a half a sandwich and it reminded Tammy of why she’d come in the first place. She was hungry. She just wanted to eat; she didn’t want to do… Well whatever the hell this was.

            “I make you uncomfortable,” Parker said. actually sounding hurt.

            What the hell was she supposed to say to that? She just shrugged silently.

            “Can I ask why?”

            Tammy looked at Milly and said, “I think I should just go.”

            “You could just answer him. I won’t be mad at you.”

            “Yeah, you say that now.”

            “I promise I won’t,” Milly said.

            Tammy glared across the table at him. “Everything I want to say is mean. I came from money, so I’m not overtly impressed with rich or even famous people. I care more about the way people act than what they have or who they ‘are.’ That’s the way my parents raised me. You didn’t raise Milly so I don’t think you deserve to get to come and play Daddy for the day.”

            To her surprise Parker laughed. “Yep, you’re Bud’s kid all right.”

            “There ain’t nothing wrong with my daddy,” Tammy said hotly, taking immediate offense.

            “Woah there, kiddo,” Parker said. “I didn’t say there was. I loved your dad; my friendship with him is of the wreckage just like my kids. This one,” he pointed at Milly, “You’re right I don’t deserve to have a kid this good, and I can’t take any credit for her. It’s way too late for me to step up to the plate, but I’m going to try to do better.”

            “All right,” Tammy said. She turned to Milly, “Can I please go now?”

            Milly kissed her cheek, making her less anxious to go. “I’ll call you later.”

            Tammy nodded got up and went to the bar.

            “Tammy you can’t be at the bar,” Adrian said.

            “Pretend I have ID for a minute. Christ!” Tammy wiped the sweat from her forehead. “How did I get hog tied for that shit?”

            “I think she brought him here because she needed the moral support of being in her space with her friends,” Adrian said.

            Tammy got that. It was how she’d felt the day Mellissa had cornered her in here. Like, go ahead bitch make my day.

            “So… what’s going on with you and Milly?” Adrian asked. “I mean she just called you over to meet her dad.”

            “I don’t know,” Tammy said miserably. “I was hoping you could tell me.”

            “Jan told Faye that Milly’s had her eye on you for awhile that she has a crush on you,” Francis said, walking up and leaning on the bar beside Tammy.

            “Francis,” Adrian said in a scolding tone.

            “I’m not match making,” Francis told Adrian, then looked at Tammy and shrugged. “That’s what she said.”

            And of course Francis knew everything that went on in Tammy’s head because Tammy told her, because Tammy told Francis everything.

            “Look at her,” Tammy said, sighing miserably. “Why would she want someone like me? She could have anyone.”

            “What the hell are you talking about? Fem chicks think you’re the bomb,” Adrian said.

            “They do?”

            “Yes of course they do, I told you that,” Francis said. Tammy actually felt pretty good about herself for a minute and then she remembered what they were talking about.      

            “I don’t want to fuck things up with Milly the way I did with Faye,” Tammy said.

            “You didn’t fuck things up with Faye and Milly isn’t the head case Faye is. Milly doesn’t play games,” Adrian said.

            “So now who’s match making?” Francis said.

            “I’m not,” Adrian defended.

            “I just broke up with Faye. Marcella just died. I shouldn’t even be thinking about Milly. I mean there are women all over B Street and not only can I not get out of the house to look for women but I can’t even leave our circle of friends. How fucking lame is that?”

            “It’s a fact that most people wind up having relationships within their social circles,” Francis said like she was quoting one of her textbooks.

            Tammy sighed. “I’m starving but I think I’m just going to go home and eat pop tarts.”

            “I’ll have Ryan make you a sandwich to go,” Francis said, and she headed for the kitchen.

            “What do you think?” Tammy asked Adrian.

            “About what?” Adrian asked, a puzzled look on her face.

            “Me and Milly. Would it bother you if I dated Milly?”

            “Dude, her dad’s sitting right over there. Ask him.”

            “Oh fuck him, Adrian. I don’t care what that pretentious prick thinks.”

            “Then ask Francis what she thinks.”

            “She already told me. She thinks Milly and I are soul mates. She’s your wife; you know how she is. What do you think?”

            “The last time I told you to go for it with a chick it became the love triangle of doom. Leave me out of it.”

            “I’m asking how you’d feel if I dated Milly because Marcella was your best friend.”

            “Look at her, Tammy.”

            “What?”

            “Just look at Milly.”

            Tammy turned and looked at Milly. She smiled and then Adrian laughed and said, “I’ve got no trouble at all with you dating Milly.”

            “Great now I guess I just have to see what she wants.” Tammy sighed. She was still looking at Milly and when Milly turned, looked at her and smiled, Tammy turned quickly away and started mumbling, “Please don’t call me back over there. Please don’t call me back over there. Please don’t…”

            “Dude,” Adrian said, interrupting her mantra, “Chill out she’s just talking to her dad and… oh fuck.”

            “What?” Tammy asked.

            Adrian pointed to the window where someone was trying to hide and doing a piss-poor job of it. “I just saw that fucker take a picture. Some paparazzi what do you want to bet. What should I do?”

            “Dude, look who your asking. I can’t decide whether to date Milly or not, hell half the time I can’t decide whether to have the soup or the salad.”

            “Oh fuck, there’s more than one.”

            “You know what dude isn’t that why he has body guards?” Tammy asked, looking to where she could just make them out standing on either side of the door.

            “Go over and tell him they’re there,” Adrian said.

            “No you do it,” Tammy said.

            “You do it; don’t be such a pussy.”

            “Don’t call me a pussy while you stand behind the bar,” Tammy said with a laugh. “Personally I don’t care if they take his picture.”

            “What about Milly’s? You want Milly’s picture in some tabloid with men drooling all over it.”

            “Hello. She’s a stripper,” Tammy said shrugging.

            One of the paparazzi tried to come in and the body guards stopped him.

            “Gee that’s good for business,” Adrian mumbled, “Nothing puts gay people quite as much at ease as seeing two huge goons strong-arming people outside the front door, and the fucking press everywhere.”

            One of the body guards walked in the restaurant and over to Parker where he whispered something in his ear. Parker nodded and if he was upset at all by the photographers he didn’t show it. Francis showed up with a sack with her sandwich in it and Tammy took it greedily.

            “Thanks,” Tammy got up and started towards the back door. Then she came back with a sigh. “You need me to stay?” she asked Adrian.

            “No, go on to the house. Then you won’t have to worry that they might talk to you again. You’re right. Let his body guards handle it,” Adrian said with a smile. Tammy nodded and went out the back door at a near run.

“What’s going on?” Milly asked her father.

            “Paparazzi, it’s all right it’s just…”

            “No it’s not Dad. You’re on B Street. Lots of these people, my friends, they aren’t out. The last thing they need is to be in the background in some photo of you with your openly gay daughter. And… Well I have a private life and I want it to stay that way,” Milly said. “It’s been nice visiting you, but maybe you’d better go.”

            “But Milly…”

            “Seriously Dad. That’s your life; it’s not mine.” Milly stood up, walked around the table and kissed his check. “Call more, come visit more, but don’t bring all this with you. We both know you can hide when you want to. It’s up to you whether you stay in touch or not. I wouldn’t mind having a Dad. It would be nice but it’s not all-important to me and I’m not going to beg for a little piece of you like… Well they would,” she said pointing outside. She turned and headed for the back door.

            Just what I need to wind up as tabloid fodder.  As she walked out the back door she could see Tammy walking towards the house and walked a little faster to try to catch up with her and then… there were paparazzi—three of the fuckers—right in her face.

            “Aren’t you Milly Saint John?”

            “No, leave me alone.”

            “Aren’t you Parker Saint John and Anne Lawrence’s daughter?”

            “No I just…” Then cameras were going off over and over again. It was overwhelming and she damn near called for help.

            “Hey, fuck heads! Who wants to be the first to lose their fucking head?”

            When she looked up Tammy was standing there with a baseball bat in her hands. The paparazzi all turned away from Milly and Tammy swung the bat with precision, sending a camera flying, proving that she really was a superior athlete.

            “Hey you crazy bitch…”

            “That’s right I’m fucking crazy!” Tammy said, making a face that was actually rather frightening. “And I will so completely fuck every one of you pecker heads up that there won’t be anything left but little greasy spots.” Her accent—which was normally nonexistent—was every bit as thick as her father’s. She swung the bat and took out another camera. This time she obviously hurt the guy’s hand because he just held his hand and yelped.

            “You can’t do that,” the last one said, clutching his camera to his chest.

            Behind her Milly heard Adrian’s voice, “Yes she can. You’re on my fucking property.” When she turned she saw that Adrian had the tire thumper she kept under the bar.

            “Give me the fucking camera,” Milly ordered the third guy. He handed it over and she ripped the film out of it and gave it back to him.

            “Now I suggest you filthy little fuckers hit the G-d damned road before we start kicking asses and taking names,” Tammy said, still with her father’s voice.

            They mumbled and started leaving.

            “Run!” Tammy screamed after them, running up on them with the bat and they took off. Tammy laughed and walked back to Adrian and Milly.

            “I’m sorry guys,” Milly said.

            “You know what, you might not ought to go anywhere alone for awhile, Milly,” Adrian said looking after them.

            “I could take you to work and back,” Tammy said, walking back to them.

            Milly smiled at her, rapidly getting her sense of humor back. “Oh I couldn’t ask you to do that, just hang out in a strip club for two hours a night.”

            “Oh. You’d be surprised at the sacrifices I’d make for my friends,” Tammy said with a tortured sigh.

            “Why don’t you guys go on in the house? I’ll watch till you get in.”

            “Thanks Adrian,” Milly said.

            “Weren’t nothin’. Besides, it looked like Tammy channeling Willard had things covered,” Adrian said and kissed Milly on the cheek. “I’ve always got your back, Milly. You know that,” she whispered in her ear.

            “Thanks.” Milly started towards the house with Tammy. “Where did you get the bat?” she asked with a laugh.

            “From my car. I keep it on the back seat.”

            “Then it’s a wonder you could find it,” Milly said, thinking of the stack of discarded paper cups and fast food containers that littered the back seat of Tammy’s car. Tammy picked up a sack off the sidewalk.

“My lunch or dinner,” Tammy said.

“Thanks Tammy,” Milly said.

“Hey, they don’t know that I saved them. Any minute you were going to get mad and then… Well they’d wish I beat them with a baseball bat,” Tammy said.

Tammy actually wrestled the bat and sack into one hand so that she could open the door for Milly and Milly smiled and walked in. Tammy started to walk into her apartment.

“Tammy could you…”

“What?” Tammy asked. turning to look at her curiously.

“Can I come in?”

“Sure,” she said, but she had almost the same look on her face that she’d had when Milly coaxed her over to sit with she and her dad, like she didn’t know what was going to happen but she was pretty sure it wasn’t going to be good. Still Tammy opened the door and Milly walked in the apartment. Tammy closed the door and locked it then propped the bat beside the door like maybe she thought those assholes might come in the building. “Want to share my sandwich?” Tammy asked holding up the sack.

“No I just ate and I wasn’t really hungry then. I’m just… Well I don’t want to be alone right now. I love my dog and I can talk to him but he doesn’t talk back to me so it’s not much of a conversation.” Milly plopped on the couch, as comfortable in Adrian’s apartment as she was her own. “Tomorrow I’ll no doubt get back into my writing and avoid all other life forms for weeks at a time, but right now. My dad… I don’t really know him and every time I’ve ever spent any time with him at all it’s always like that with the fucking press everywhere. I grew up with my mother and it was the same with her. Like just always living in the great big middle of a swarm of people who don’t even know you’re alive.”

“That sucks. You want a beer, or something?” Tammy asked.

“I’d love a beer,” Milly said. Tammy went in the kitchen and came out with a couple of beers brought one to Milly and then walked to the dining table. Milly got up and went to join her there. She took a drink of the beer and watched as Tammy dug the sandwich out of the sack and opened the wax paper. She smiled like it was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen and then she picked it up and started eating it. “Not a little hungry are you there killer?”

Tammy just nodded and kept eating.

“Quite impressive, the whole exploding butch thing. I really thought you were going to kill someone.”

“I used my game face,” Tammy said around a mouth full of food, then washed it down with beer.

“You are scary fast, sugar,” Milly said with real admiration. “I mean you were ahead of me and then the next time I saw you there you were with that bat and… Well you ran all the way to your car got the bat and were back in like five seconds.”

“Well I knew I couldn’t handle the three of them empty handed. You could but I couldn’t.”

“You know,” Milly laughed, “you guys aren’t the only ones who’d like to forget that night.”

“However we were the only ones seriously injured,” Tammy said.

Milly was quiet, just watching Tammy eat. Tammy practically inhaled the sandwich and the beer. She got up to clean up her mess. “You want another one?” she said holding up her empty beer bottle.

“No I’m still good.” Milly followed Tammy into the kitchen and realized that her need not to be alone had reached a near pathetic level since she seemed to have to follow Tammy everywhere she went. Why did she feel so raw?

Tammy had grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and then she was just looking at Milly as if she thought she might explode or something, “You want to watch some TV?”

“Sure,” Milly said. “Did I do something wrong?”
            “No of course not.” Tammy went in, grabbed the remote off the coffee table, and flopped on the couch.

“Then why are you so nervous?” Milly asked, looking down at her.

“I’m not,” Tammy said. Milly flopped on the couch beside her. “What do you want to watch?”

            “I don’t care. I don’t watch much TV. I have pretty eclectic tastes.”

            “And I don’t even know what that means,” Tammy said with a sigh.

            “It means I like a lot of different things,” Milly said and laughed. “We can just watch whatever you want to. I even like most sports.” Tammy started channel surfing. She was even faster than Marcella. She would at least stop where there was a commercial to see what was on. Not Tammy. If there was a commercial she immediately changed the channel. She passed something and then flipped back quickly. “Buffy the vampire slayer?”

            “We don’t have to watch it.”

            “Oh yes we do. It’s like my favorite show.”

            “Mine too, even before there were lesbians on it,” Tammy said excitedly. 

            “And that just made it better,” Milly said. They started watching the show. Milly looked at Tammy’s hand where it lay on the couch beside her. She has great hands. She reached out, took Tammy’s hand and intertwined their fingers. Her hand looked tiny in Tammy’s; it looked like it belonged there. She leaned her head on Tammy’s shoulder and Tammy leaned her head over to rest on the top of Milly’s.

            At the commercial Tammy said in a voice not much louder than a whisper as if she was afraid someone besides them might hear, “You’re right. I am nervous.”

            “Why?” Milly asked.

            Tammy moved her head off Milly’s but Milly just stayed where she was, perfectly comfortable. “Because I really, really like you Milly, and you’re making me talk to your dad and holding my hand and… I don’t know what you want from me.”

            “I really, really like you, too, Tammy.” She took her head off Tammy’s shoulder then and looked at her. “I’m not really sure what I want. Not sure if I’m ready to move on now or if I ever will be. I only know that when I’m with you I feel better about almost everything. I like just being around you. Could we… just be around each other and see what happens? You can date other girls, I mean as long as I’m not giving you any you ought to be getting it somewhere and if you get more interested in someone else and…”

            “I’m not going to do that, Milly. If we’re seeing each other on any level I’m not going to run around looking for other girls to fuck. I told you I’m not into that sort of thing and I’m not really ready to just jump back into a physical relationship myself right now.” She smiled at her. “I just know that when I’m with you I feel better about damn near everything.”

Tammy had the first three seasons of Buffy on DVD so they just made some popcorn, had a few more beers, and decided to have a Vampire-Slayer marathon. Half way through the third episode Milly was just laying on the couch with her head in Tammy’s lap and they were mostly talking about the show and how Angel wasn’t as good and all the reasons Buffy should fuck Spike, in other words just having a really great time in their little fan world so Tammy didn’t appreciate the knock on the door.

            “Who is it?” Tammy hollered back towards the door, and “go the fuck away” was implied. There was no answer and Tammy had every intention of just ignoring them. After all, she was watching her favorite show with the most beautiful woman in the world’s head in her lap and drinking a beer. Nothing about that said “Wouldn’t you rather go open the door?”

            They knocked again.

            “Who is it?” she screamed louder and Milly laughed. There was still no answer. “Fuckem and feedem fish heads,” Tammy said.

            They knocked again and Milly sat up stretching. “You better get the door.”

            “Ah, now my lap is cold,” Tammy complained.

            “I have to go to the bathroom anyway.” Milly started back that way.

            Mumbling, Tammy paused the DVD, walked over, grabbed the baseball bat in one hand thinking maybe it was the paparazzi fucks, and slung the door open with the other and screamed at whoever might be there, “What!”

            Jan and Faye looked more than a little startled. But not seeming too put off by the screaming or the bat they came on in as if she had invited them, Jan saying, “Dude we’ve got to talk.”

            Now! They want to talk now! They’ve been avoiding me ever since I got back and now they want to talk. Now, when it’s quite possibly the last thing I want to do.

            “We can’t just run around avoiding each other for the rest of our lives,” Faye said.

            “I haven’t been avoiding you, you’ve been avoiding me. I’m all right really, I’m cool,” Tammy said. “Seriously, I just want us all to just quit reacting to each other as if one of us is about to have a complete and total melt down. I’m not. I’m over it.”

            Faye looked more than a little hurt by her “over it” statement like maybe Tammy should just pine away the rest of her natural life for the love of Faye.

            There was a flushing sound and Jan looked at Tammy and smiled. “You busy dude?”

            “It’s not what you think,” Tammy said. Milly walked in from the hall then.

            “Hey guys.” She walked over and hugged first Faye and then Jan. “How was your trip?”

            “Fantastic! You should really go, nice beach, good food, comfortable beds, hot and cold running lesbians,” Jan said.

            Faye glared at her and Jan pretended not to notice.

            “Did we interrupt something?” Faye asked, taking in their rumpled appearance. There was a hint of jealousy to her voice which Tammy found amusing. Don’t want me; don’t want anyone else to have me—exactly the way you reacted to Jan. That’s just fucked up.

            “We were just lying around on the couch watching back-to-back episodes of Buffy, drinking too much beer and eating too much popcorn,” Milly said. “Why don’t you hang out?”

            “We’re pretty tired I think…”

            “Cool.” Jan flopped into Adrian’s recliner. “Come on baby.” Jan slapped her legs and Faye walked over and sat down in Jan’s lap looking over to see Tammy’s reaction. Tammy was sure she was disappointed because Tammy didn’t care one way or the other. She really was over Faye, over the whole thing.

            Tammy sat down on the couch and Milly resumed her position and they turned the TV back on. Tammy smiled. It felt good to be hanging out with her friends again and Faye could just get over whatever shit was going on in her twisted head.

Tammy was so into the program that she probably didn’t even see it. Faye was bitching in Jan’s ear and Jan was making that face that said she wasn’t really listening. Milly smiled because they had apparently fallen right back into the same patterns their relationship had before—fighting like cats and dogs, fucking like rabbits. Then Faye was glaring at Milly as if Milly were doing something to her and Milly gave her the same look Jan had, blew her off, and turned her attention back to the program.

            Faye had a lot of nerve to get pissed off over what Milly did or didn’t do with Tammy after the way she’d treated her. Milly liked Tammy. What was more she was the only woman Milly had even been the least bit attracted to since she’d first fallen in love with Marcella. Tammy put a hand on her shoulder and started rubbing it and if Milly had been a cat she would have been purring. She shot a covert glance over at Faye and she was obviously not one bit happy. Milly ignored her; she could by God get over it. It wasn’t like Milly had made a play for Tammy when she and Faye were going together.

            It does mean one thing, though. Faye had pretty strong feelings for Tammy because the only one of her other conquests she was ever jealous over was Jan.

            They watched two more episodes, drank another six pack, and ate two more bags of pop corn between the four of them. Then they heard voices outside the door and Adrian and Francis walked in. Jan practically threw Faye in the floor so she could run and hug Adrian. Adrian hugged her back.

            “How was your trip?” Adrian asked, hugging Jan.

            Milly smiled. Jan and Adrian, they were as close as friends could be. Marcella had loved them so much and they had loved her just as much. In some ways Marcella had been closer to Adrian than she was even to Milly. She had been jealous of that love at first but eventually she just accepted that there were things Marcella could share with Adrian and Jan that she couldn’t with Milly.

            “Great, Franny was right about everything,” Faye answered for Jan. She looked at Francis then at Milly and then at Francis again. Then she nodded her head towards the kitchen as if Milly didn’t know what was going on. Milly got up and practically beat them to the kitchen. Faye glared at her. Milly just smiled sweetly and went and got a beer. Francis laughed.

            “Hand me a raspberry wine cooler,” Francis said.

            Milly grabbed it, turned, handed it to Francis, and never looking at Faye said, “If you want to know Faye then why don’t you just ask me?”

            “All right,” Faye said in a confrontational tone. “What are you doing with Tammy?”

            Milly looked at Faye then and smiled sweetly. “Oh that?”

            “Yes that!”

            “I’m not really sure. Can I get back with you on that?” Milly said

            Then Francis just lost it, laughing as if it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard.

            Faye ignored Francis although how she was doing it Milly didn’t know.

            “Seriously Milly, Tammy is in a very vulnerable position right now…”

            “Well not now but she could be,” Milly said.

            Francis laughed harder and then just turned and walked back into the living room.

            “Milly I don’t think…”

            “…it’s any of your business?” Milly suggested, taking a swig of her beer and realizing she was a little tipsy, didn’t matter she was still right.

            “Dammit Milly,” Faye was getting really mad. “Tammy and I just broke up.”

            “And you’ve been fucking Jan for weeks.” Milly laughed. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to take advantage of her like… Oh I don’t know, you did.”

            “I know I hurt her. I don’t want to see her get hurt again.”

            “I’m not into the sort of kinky shit you are so I don’t think she’s going to get hurt.”

            “It’s not funny, Milly,” Faye hissed.

            Milly smiled. “Yes it is, Faye. It’s fucking hysterical that you’re jealous of Tammy. You’re with Jan, worry about making that work. Tammy’s a big girl.”

            “What are you doing with her?” Faye demanded.

            “If you mean am I fucking her, why don’t you just come right out and ask?”

            “All right… Are you fucking her?”

            Until right then Milly had been mildly amused by the confrontation but the possessive tone in Faye’s voice immediately pissed Milly off, “Not yet, but I will if and when I want to and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.” Milly hissed back. “You can’t have your cake and eat Tammy, too.”

            “Hey guys,” Adrian whispered as she came into the kitchen. She moved between them as if keeping them from coming to blows. She turned to Faye. “We can hear you in the living room.” Then at the expression on Faye’s face, “Not what you’re saying but that you’re arguing and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what you’re arguing about. You’re way the fuck out of line, Faye.”  

            “Me?” Faye said acting wounded.

            “Yes, you,” Adrian said, getting the same look on her face that Faye had and Milly’s sense of humor came back. “Tammy and Milly can date if they want to. How the hell does that affect you?”

            “I… I just…” Faye stammered.

            “Come on, let it fucking go. Kiss and make up and let’s go watch Buffy,” Adrian said.

            Faye nodded and she and Milly hugged then parted.

            Jan appeared in the door. “What the fuck’s going on? Tammy won’t turn the show back on till Milly comes back.” She walked to the fridge, opened it and pulled out another beer. She took the top off took a drink then smiled a knowing smile at Faye, “You can’t stand to see your baby dyke with someone else.”

            “You are such a fucking asshole, Jan Shears,” Faye hissed at her. Jan just grinned like it was a compliment. Jan walked up to Faye, leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek.

            Jan looked at Milly. “Best prepare yourself, God alone knows what sick shit Faye taught her.”

            “Fucking pig!” Faye tried to slap Jan and Jan grabbed her hand and started leading her out of the room.

            “Come on I want to watch the end of this one and then go home. I’m tired and I still have to fuck you rotten.”

            “I’m not fucking you tonight, Jan,” Faye said angrily.

            Milly looked at Adrian, smiled and whispered, “Yes she will.”

            “Everything seems to be back to normal with them. What about you?”

            “I’m all right, Adrian, and so sorry about all the shit at the caf� today. I forgot just for a moment how much drama follows my dad around.”

            “How are you doing in general?”

            Milly smiled. “You know what? I’m going to be all right. I’m ready to let Marcella go well as much as I can since she’s still partly here. I’m just going to take it really slow with Tammy see if I actually have any real feelings for her or if it’s just because she reminds me so damn much of Marcella.”

            Adrian nodded. “Yeah. I don’t know what it is because they look nothing alike. And if you take them piece by piece they’re really nothing alike at all but…”

            “They feel the same,” Milly said with a smile. “As Stella would say, they have the same sort of energy. There was no bullshit with Marcella and there’s none with Tammy. What you see is what you get.”

            Adrian smiled and nodded, “You’re right that’s it.”

            “Hey fuck heads!” Jan screamed from the other room. “What did you not understand about I want to watch the end of the show and go fuck?”

            “I’m not fucking you, Jan Shears, I’m not even talking to you,” Faye said.

            “Oh shut up and sit down,” Jan said, and then there was a load crashing sound.

            Milly and Adrian walked back into the living room. Jan was sitting on the couch and the sound had obviously been her pulling Faye into her lap where Faye was putting up a half-assed struggle to get free. Francis was sitting in the recliner. Milly walked over to where Tammy was sitting on the couch and sat down beside her. Tammy put an arm around her shoulders and it felt good. Tammy turned the show back on.

            Milly saw Francis get out of the recliner and then she and Adrian were talking and then they disappeared into their bedroom. Milly smiled and looked up at Tammy who was looking down at her. Tammy looked quickly away when she caught her. Milly laughed at her and leaned against Tammy’s side.

They’d finished watching that episode and then Jan and Faye had left. “You want to watch another one?” Tammy asked, in no hurry to have Milly go home and glad it was just them again.

            “If you get tired just say so. I normally work till two, so it’s nowhere near my bed time yet,” Milly said.

            “I’m not tired.” Tammy got up and went to change the disk because they’d finished the last one. “We could do something else if you want to go out or…”

            “No, I don’t want to risk running into the paparazzi. Besides I sort of like it just being the two of us.”

            Tammy nodded and put a new disk in then sat down by Milly and Milly lay back down with her head in Tammy’s lap. Without even thinking about it Tammy started playing with Milly’s hair.

            “You’re beautiful Milly,” she said.

            “I know,” Milly said with a laugh. “It’s genes, nothing I had anything to do with.”

            It was genes, too. Milly’s mother (though a total right-wing bitch) was a beautiful woman and her father had been twice voted one of the ten most beautiful people in the world.

            “Physical beauty is something you either have or you don’t and I don’t understand pretty people who act like they are somehow better than the rest of the world simply by virtue of their looks. It’s like buying a painting and acting like you were the artist. Just because you own the painting doesn’t mean you suddenly become the creator of the art. Women who walk around with the whole ‘Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful’ attitude… I don’t get that almost as much as I don’t get how someone as stunning as you are doesn’t know that you’re attractive.”

            “I’m not attractive,” Tammy said nervously.

            “Yes you are. You’re a beautiful butch woman.”

            “Maybe that’s the problem. I’ve just never felt particularly comfortable in my skin. I’m starting to since I’ve stopped making any attempt at all to look like what a woman should look like. When I was a kid I used to wish I was a boy. I don’t now wish I was a man, though. I don’t feel like I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body but I don’t exactly feel like a woman either—like I’m something else altogether. Does that make any sense?”

            “It’s weird,” Milly said quietly.

            “Yeah I guess it is…”

            “No, it’s weird because Marcella used to say the same thing,” Milly said. “Maybe it’s a hard butch thing.”

            Then they both just started watching the show. At about one thirty Milly sat up as the episode ended and said, “I better go home. Ralph will think I’ve abandoned him.”

            Tammy nodded, turned off the TV, and stood up. She put down her hand, Milly took it, and she helped her to her feet. “I’ll walk you home.”

            Milly laughed not letting go of her hand. “The building is locked and it’s just two floors up.”

            “Humor me,” Tammy said with a smile.

            They walked up to Milly’s apartment and outside the door Milly looked up at Tammy then she wrapped her arms around her neck. “You can kiss me, but no tongue.”

            Tammy wrapped her arms around Milly’s waist, bent down and kissed Milly gently on the lips. Her lips were soft and sensuous and she just really wanted to stick her tongue in Milly’s mouth but she resisted. When she drew her lips away from Milly’s Tammy’s knees felt weak. She didn’t let go of Milly and Milly didn’t let go of her.

            “I had a really good time tonight.”

            “Me too,” Milly said, then she smiled at her got on her tip toes and kissed Tammy’s chin and she let go of her so Tammy reluctantly let go of Milly. “You pick me up to run tomorrow?”

            Tammy nodded silently.

            “Good night.”

            “Good night,” Tammy answered, and then watched as Milly disappeared through her door. She took in a deep breath and let it out then started back for her own apartment thinking that she’d never been so horney in her life. Then when she walked into her apartment the amount of noise coming form her roommates’ room let her know they were pleasuring each other and she wondered how long Milly was going to make her wait.

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