Episode 11
Episode 12
Episode 13
Episode 14
Episode 15

Episode 14

All’s Quiet

Adrian had trouble going to sleep and then she had trouble staying that way.

            “Wow, asshole, would you look at that.”

            Adrian stared up at her sleepily from where she lay all wrapped around Francis. “Marcella?” she asked blinking. “What the hell are you doing here?”

            “Good to see you too, Bud.” She was in her uniform. It was all bright and clean and there were some medals on her chest. “Crap! Milly wasn’t lying. She’s a real looker your girl. And look at you just laying there wrapped all around her with a big shit-eating grin on your face.”

            And then she was standing by Marcella looking at she and Francis sleeping, so she looked over at Marcella.

            “That’s right, dude, you’re asleep. You’re dreaming.”
            Adrian hugged Marcella anyway and Marcella hugged her back. “Damn, it’s good to see you even if I am asleep. How are you?”

            “Oh I’m in fucking bad shape. Everyone is going to be so pissed. My poor mother and Milly, I’m so worried about her, dude,” Marcella said releasing her. “That bad feeling in the pit of your stomach all day, Bud? That was me. Go ahead and say I told you so. I never should have enlisted. I never should have shipped out even if it meant listening to Milly and the two of us going to Canada.” She sniffeled and wiped a tear out of her eye. “I’m not coming home, Adrian, I’m not. And you have to take care of Milly and Jan, and you have to take care of yourself. You better wake up now, That’s my mom at the door.”

            And then when she looked at Marcella there was blood on her face and blood running out of her chest and dripping on the floor. And when she looked down she was drenched in Marcella’s blood.

            Adrian started awake, sitting bolt up right in bed screaming.

            “It’s all right, baby, you just had a nightmare,” Francis said, patting her on the back.

            But someone was banging on the front door. Adrian got out of bed and started pacing, mumbling, “No, no, no,” over and over again.

            Francis got up and threw on her robe. “Calm down, Baby, it was just a dream. I’ll get the door.”

            Adrian ran in front of her, blocking the way. “No don’t, don’t get it.” Adrian grabbed her pants and pulled them on then pulled on a t shirt.

            “I’m going to get the door,” Francis said.

            “No,” Adrian once again moved to block the way.

            “Adrian, what the hell’s wrong with you?”

            “No, no it’s… no.” She started pacing again, “Don’t open the door, Francis, don’t open it. I have to think. I have to…”

            “What the hell have you done?” The compassion had left Francis’ voice to be replaced by rage, and Adrian quickly went over the way she was acting and the fact she hadn’t wanted sex last night and figured out where Francis’ imagination had taken her.

            “No, no baby I didn’t fuck around on you, it’s just… I have to open the door, it’s just a stupid dream, right?” she asked Francis. Francis looked scared and at a complete loss – like maybe she thought she was going to have to call the men in the white coats. “I have to open the door.”

            Adrian steeled herself and walked to the door where the knocking had become frantic. She opened it, and the last person she wanted to see in the world right then was on the other side. Joanna took one look at her and fell into her arms sobbing. Adrian didn’t have to ask why, she knew.

            “Oh God, Joanna, I’m so sorry,” she said, and she could feel a ball of tears in her own throat and willed them down almost without thinking about it.

            Francis walked in and Adrian answered the question in her eyes. “Marcella is dead.”

            Joanna cried louder. Adrian helped her to the couch and Francis brought her a glass of water and a box of tissues.

            “They just come up to your door and they tell you. These guys in uniform and you can tell that they’re filled with dread and… my baby’s dead, Adrian, she’s gone.” Joanna cried harder and Adrian swallowed hard and fought her own emotions. She had to be strong, and she didn’t cry, so she wouldn’t. “I know I’m the worst coward and I meant to tell Milly myself but… I just can’t do it, Adrian. I can’t. Marcella she loved you Adrian, she trusted you.”

            “I loved her, too,” Adrian’s voice actually cracked, and when she looked up and saw Francis crying she nearly lost it. Francis didn’t even know Marcella. She was crying for her and for Milly and for Joanna, a woman she’d never met before. “I’ll tell Milly, you can stay here with Francis.”

            “Adrian, I don’t think you should do it,” Francis said, wiping her nose on a tissue. And that was when Adrian realized her whole body was shaking.

            “I’ll be all right, Franny.” Adrian got up and left the apartment. She didn’t feel “all right.” She took a deep breath. Today the stairs might as well have been a mountain. Each step she took seemed to echo in the quiet of the building not yet awake, and ahead of her was a task no one should ever have to do.

            She didn’t really remember most of the trip. The next thing she knew she was just standing outside Milly’s door trying to remember to breathe and wondering what she was really going to say.

            Finally she just knocked. A few seconds later Milly opened the door. She’d been crying, and when she saw Adrian she just fell into her arms and then she was sobbing so hard her whole body was shaking.

            “You already know?” Adrian asked. Milly just nodded her head wordlessly. “God, Milly I’m so sorry and so…”

            “Mad,” Milly cried out against Adrian’s chest.

            “Yes.” Behind her she heard someone taking the steps two at a time. When she turned around Jan was standing there, and when she saw them she just collapsed to her knees and started crying. So Adrian guessed she’d seen Marcella, too, and come up here to check on Milly.

Francis didn’t know what to do with Marcella’s mother, and she was glad when Adrian returned half carrying both Milly and Jan. Milly ran to Joanna and then they were both just sobbing, and the grief was just hanging in the air and she couldn’t stand to see Adrian or her friends like this but the thought that wouldn’t leave her alone was that Adrian had known. She’d know since last night that something was wrong, and she’d known the minute she woke up. What did that mean?

            Adrian wasn’t crying, but her body language, her voice – she was crumbling inside and trying to be brave for everyone else. Francis had no idea what to do or what to say. She had no words and had no idea how to help – if she could help at all, if anyone could – then she knew what might.

Stella heard her cell phone ringing, got out of bed and started looking for her pants. She was getting damn tired of living out of a suitcase and couldn’t imagine why Toni thought this was the only why to live. Whoever was calling was persistant because the phone rang six times before she found it.

            “Turn that fucking thing off,” Toni ordered, covering her head.

            “Hello,” Stella said.

            “Stella?”

            “Yes. Francis?”

            “Yes.”

            “What’s wrong?” It wasn’t hard to tell something was wrong because the girl was crying.

            “I’m sorry, Stella, Marcella’s…”

            Stella flopped on the bed and took a deep breath.

            “Hey!” Toni protested.

            “Oh shut up, Toni!” Stella screamed back at her, and now she was crying. Toni was up in an instant holding her. “When?” Stella asked.

            “I don’t know. We just found out,” Francis cried. “I’m worried about Adrian. I know that’s selfish, Stella, but she’s just so closed off and I know she’s broken all up inside. They need you, Stella.”

            “I’ll be there as soon as I can get a flight, Baby,” Stella said. “Thanks for calling.”

            “Goodbye.”

            “Goodbye.” Stella closed the phone and then just looked at it, her tears falling like rain.

            “Honey what’s wrong?” Toni asked gently.

            “Marcella’s dead. I have to go home, Toni, I have to go home.” And then she just broke completely down and Toni held her in one arm while she took the cell phone in the other and started calling trying to book them a flight.

When Tammy drove past Rhonda’s the closed sign was out and it was dark. It was 9:00 Friday, so that wasn’t right. She parked in her spot and when she opened the car door she knew something was terribly wrong. B Street was quiet, and it was never quiet. She grabbed her bags and headed into the house. The sadness inside was so tangible even Tammy could feel it, and she didn’t count herself among the most empathic people on the planet.

            The only sound she could hear was the muffled sound of Adrian’s stereo blasting in the basement. The only reason she knew it was blaring down there was because she could hear it at all and there was a slight vibration in the floor which only added to the strong creeped-out feeling that was sending shivers up her spine. She went into their apartment and Francis was sitting on the couch looking lost as if she was just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and Tammy remembered what Faye had told her about that.

            “What’s wrong?” Tammy asked, dropping her bags on the floor.

            Francis took a deep breath. “Milly’s partner Marcella was killed in the fucking war.”

            “Oh my God.” Tammy flopped in a chair and just stared at Francis as if trying to see if it was some warped joke. Tammy didn’t know what to feel or what to say. She didn’t know Marcella but she knew everyone who loved her and… “Where’s Adrian?” she asked carefully.

            “In the basement. She spent most of the day just trying to take care of everyone else, and now she’s completely despondent. She says she needs to be alone. I don’t know whether she really does or not, so I keep going down there to see if maybe she might want to talk and she just keeps telling me she needs to be alone and she still isn’t crying but you can see that she’s just trying to keep everything inside her and that if she lets go for even a second… Well I don’t know what would happen. She’s just down there moving stuff around and listening to that same song over and over again and I don’t know why and I can’t even figure out what the song is and… I just feel useless, Tammy. She’s hurting so bad I can feel it and I just have no idea what she might do or what I need to do to stop her, or if I even need to.”

            Tammy got up walked over and sat down by Francis. She put an arm around her shoulders and then Francis was crying on her shoulder.

            “Where’s Milly?”

            “She’s staying with Faye,” Francis said, straightening up and reaching for the box of tissues which was close at hand.

            “Jan?”

            “I don’t know. She keeps coming by to check on Adrian like she’s afraid Adrian’s going to do something stupid, and that’s one of the reasons I’m scared completely out of my mind, because I’m thinking that if anyone was going to do something really stupid it would be Jan.”

            “Have you tried to talk to her, Francis?”

            “Of course I have, but I don’t know what to say and she just tells me that she needs to be alone in that way that she screams at you without screaming at you and. I don’t know what to do.”

            “You want me to talk to her?” Tammy asked.

            Francis laughed then blew her nose and asked, “What are you going to say?”

            “I don’t know, what about, why are you listening to the same stupid song over and over again?”

            “Stella’s on her way. I’ll just be glad when she gets here. Maybe she can do something with her. I’m just lost. Hell, I’ve never had to deal with anyone dying before, have you?”

            “Not really. My mom’s father died when I was four; I don’t remember him at all. My dad’s father died a couple of years ago, but he and Dad weren’t close, so I didn’t really know him, either. This fucking sucks. I mean I didn’t know her but I feel like I did. I wanted to. Listen, you ok?”

            Francis nodded.

            “I’m going to go check on Faye. See if there’s anything I can do to help Milly. Or you know, if there’s anything Mom and Dad’s money can do to help Milly.”

Tammy hadn’t been gone long when a loud banging sound erupted from the basement. Francis took a deep breath, jumped up ran through the apartment and opened the door to the basement stairs. She didn’t know what Adrian was doing but she knew it wasn’t good. She ran down the stairs and Adrian was just slamming a sledgehammer into the concrete floor over and over again, her face a mask of rage.

            “Adrian!” Francis screamed when she was on the bottom step because there was no way Adrian could have heard her other wise. Francis was sure Adrian was going to hurt herself badly if she hadn’t already. There was blood on her cheek from where a splinter of concrete had hit her in the face and she had to be jarring her whole body. “Adrian stop it!” Adrian didn’t hear her. Francis ran up and grabbed her arm. “Dammit Adrian stop it!”  Adrian stopped mid swing and turned to look at her. The look in her eyes wasn’t quite human. “Please, Adrian,” she cried, and pushed on Adrian’s arm till the hammer head was resting against the floor. She looked up at Adrian and wiped the blood off her check with her thumb, glad to see the cut wasn’t bad. “You’re going to hurt yourself. Please don’t do this, Baby,” Francis cried, and it was then she heard the last line in the chorusof the song, I’m all locked up inside.  “I love you. I love you so much, and I hate that your friend is dead. I hate it for you and Milly and everyone else, but hurting yourself isn’t going to bring her back and… I need you, Adrian. I’m here for you, don’t lock me out.”

            Adrian dropped the hammer and collapsed into her arms, her breath coming in huge, racking sobs that rocked her whole body. It was all Francis could do to hold her up. She hugged Adrian tightly. “Oh God, Baby, I’m so sorry.” Over Adrian’s shoulder she watched as Jan and Tammy came running down the stairs, no doubt having heard the noise which must have rung through the entire building.

            Jan assessed the damage. “You all right?” she asked.

            “We’re fine,” Francis said.

            “Go away!” Adrian screamed at them. She obviously didn’t mean Francis because she had her in a death grip. Jan looked at Francis.

            “We’re OK,” Francis said again. Jan nodded, tears swimming in her eyes, and she and Tammy left as quickly as they had come.

            “Oh God, Franny, my God.” Adrian’s tears were running down the front of Francis’ shirt, and it didn’t look like Adrian was going to quit crying any time soon.

            “I’m so sorry,” Francis said, rubbing Adrian’s back. Adrian just cried harder. “I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.”

            “You do make me feel better,” Adrian cried. “You do, I’m sorry.”

            “For what?” Francis asked.

            “For fucking up the floor.”

            Francis could hardly make out what she said. When she finally did she just rubbed her back harder and said, “It’s all right, it’s your building and you’re the one who’ll have to fix it. Just don’t hurt yourself because you belong to me.”

            “Oh God, I don’t think I can stop crying.”

            “You’ll stop when you’re finished, Baby.”

“What was it?” Faye asked Tammy as she walked back in the apartment.

            “Adrian went ape shit crazy and was beating the floor with a sledge hammer. Francis had stopped her before we got there,” Tammy said.

            “Poor Adrian,” Milly said.

            “Where is Jan?” Faye asked, and it was hard not to feel the least bit jealous since when she’d gotten there a few minutes earlier she’d walked in to find Jan and Faye sitting together on the couch Jan with her arm around Faye. It was petty and stupid, not like she didn’t know how they felt about each other when she started sleeping with Faye, and now wasn’t the time to be worrying about herself.

            “Jan said she was going to go on a walk,” Tammy said.

            “Is Adrian all right?” Milly asked.

            “She’s all right. Francis is with her.”

            They all sighed with relief when they heard the music from the basement stop.

            “Maybe you should go help Francis with Adrian,” Faye said.

            “No, she ran Jan and I off, told us to go away,” Tammy said.

            “Poor Jan,” Milly said, and Tammy wondered at her strength and her insight. She’d lost her partner, the woman she loved, and yet she still understood how Adrian’s words had affected Jan. She still had it in her to worry about her friends.

            Tammy took a breath and then said, “Faye, can I talk to you in the kitchen?” Faye nodded and followed her.

            “What?” Faye asked when they were there.

            “Faye,” she took a deep breath and let it out. “I lied; Jan didn’t go on a walk. She’s in the back yard sitting in the dirt crying in the dark. Faye, she needs you right now and you need her, and I’m not going to get in the way…”

            “Baby, you’re not in the way.” Faye took a breath and let it out. “I can’t deal with Jan’s meltdown right now. I don’t want to, and I’ve got my hands full with Milly. Could you take care of Jan?”

            “Me? Faye you really think...”

            “I think Francis is up to her ass with Adrian and I can’t even imagine what Adrian’s going through, and I’m up to my elbows with Milly and you’re all that’s left.” Faye smiled at her suddenly. “You know how the first time we made love you said you were a bad friend?” Tammy nodded. “There isn’t anything bad about you.” Faye stood on her tip toes and kissed Tammy’s cheek then walked back in the living room to be with Milly.

            Tammy nodded and left the apartment to go talk to Jan.

“Everything all right?” Milly asked.

            Faye smiled. “That girl is one in a million. She was going to let me free so that I could be with Jan.”

            “Is that what you want?” Milly asked.

            “I can’t even start to think about what I want right now, Milly,” and then they both started crying again.

When Tammy walked out the back door Jan was still sitting in the dirt with her arms crossed on her knees and her head on her arms.

            “I’m sorry,” Jan said.

            “What for? You’re friend’s dead, man. I can’t even imagine that. If anything happened to Francis I’d be destroyed.” Tammy hunckered down beside her.

            “Adrian was crying. I’ve been crying off and on all day but I was mostly done you know. But Adrian was crying and… Well, in all the time I’ve known Adrian, with everything we’ve been through, I’ve never seen Adrian cry and then… Go away! When I hurt I only want Adrian and… Go away! There were three of us, Tammy. I felt invincible when the three of us were together. Now Marcella’s dead and Adrian trusts Francis more than she trusts me. She never told me about her fucked-up childhood, and now she wants Francis to comfort her, and that’s the way it should be but where does that leave me?”

            “I’m your friend, Jan.”

            “I know that, Tammy.” Jan laughed and wiped her nose on her sleeve. “I’m going to get out of the dirt and go get a shower. You can quit looking at me like you think I’m going to do something crazy at any moment. I’m not. Hell, Adrian’s the one slamming a sledge hammer into the floor of her own apartment building.”

When Stella walked into the house she didn’t know what to expect. Jan was walking in the back door with Tammy, her face streaked in dirt and tears and her clothes filthy. When Jan saw her she ran up to her, flung herself on her, and just started crying. Stella held her and rocked her and let her own tears fall. Toni stood behind her patting her back. Stella looked over Jan’s back at Tammy. The big girl just looked lost, like she just had no idea whether to shit or go blind.

            “How’s Adrian?” Stella asked.

            “She’s crazier than a shit house rat,” Jan cried against her shoulder, and then she was just bawling louder and Tammy explained.

            “She took a sledge hammer to the basement floor.”

            “She’s crying like a baby,” Jan cried against her shoulder, “She told me to go away.”

            “Oh, Baby,” Stella patted Jan’s back. “Adrian didn’t want you to see her cry, that’s all. She loves you Jan, but, she’s your bone-tough friend and she doesn’t want you to see her like that. That’s who Adrian is, you know that.” She looked at Tammy. “Is she alone?”

            “No Francis is with her,” Tammy said.

            Stella nodded, and rearranged Jan so that she could walk. “Come on let’s go check on Milly.”

            “What about Adrian?” Jan asked.

            “I think Francis has things under control there.” She turned to look at Tammy. “Tammy could you help Toni bring our things in from the cab?”

            “Sure.” Tammy left the building following Toni.

            “Good kid,” Stella said of Tammy.

            “She’s sleeping with Faye,” Jan cried.

            “Oh I’m sorry, Jan.”

It had taken Francis twenty minutes to get Adrian calmed down enough to actually get her upstairs. Adrian was shaking and chilled, so Francis put her in their bed and covered her up. She went to the bathroom and came back with some antiseptic, some cotton balls, and a wash cloth. She cleaned the wound and then gently washed Adrian’s face, which just made Adrian cry more. Adrian took the wash cloth from her and wiped her own face hard, starting the cut bleeding again. Francis didn’t say anything about it, just dabbed it with the cotton ball again and went back to the bathroom and came back with a small bandage which she put on the cut.

            “You want me to get you something to eat?”

            “No, I’m not hungy,” Adrian said.

            Adrian was still shaking, so Francis got in the bed with her, moved up to her back and held her. She kissed her head. “You have to eat something you know. You haven’t eaten all day.”

            Adrian just nodded. Slowly the tremors were leaving her body and Francis breathed a sigh of relief and stopped wondering whether or not she should call 911.

            Adrian caught and held her hand tightly, and Francis squeezed back.

            There was a knock on the door. Adrian let go of her hand. “Get the door.”

            “Are you sure?”

            “Yes, but I don’t want to see anyone, Francis.”

            “OK, Baby.” Francis got out of bed and headed for the door.

            She opened it. “Oh thank God.” She hugged Stella’s neck, and practically pulled her into the apartment, shutting the door after her. “I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m so completely and totally out of my league right now,” she whispered.

            “You stopped Adrian from tearing down the apartment building with a sledge hammer. I think you’re a lot more capable than you give yourself credit for,” Stella said. “I have to tell you the whole trip I was of course grieving over Marcella and worried about Milly and Faye and of course Jan because she’s crazy on good days, but the truth is I was just petrified because I had no idea at all what Adrian was going to do. Someone like Adrian who has bottled up years of trauma, who has carried around so much rage in her belly… Marcella’s death I knew…” She took a deep breath, obviously sucking her own tears in. “Adrian loved Marcella. I knew she wasn’t going to be able to just keep that in, and I didn’t know what genie might pop out when the top came off that bottle. But you did something with her that no one else was ever able to get her to do – you got her to open up to you. She told you, didn’t she?”

            “Told me what?” Francis asked.

            Stella smiled. “Don’t play stupid with me, Girl, because there isn’t anything stupid about you. She told you everything.”

            “Yes.”

            “And that’s why she’s going to be fine now,” Stella said. “Why she can show her grief in a positive way.”

            “A positive way? Stella she took a huge sledge hammer to the floor.”

            Stella laughed and patted her on the back. “But she didn’t hang herself or beat you to death or show up in a McDonalds with a machine gun, and the whole flight that was the sort of thing I had in my head.”

            Francis nodded. She guessed that made some sort of strange sense, the vast psychology of, hey it could always be worse.

            “Can I see her?” Stella asked.

            “Well she said she doesn’t want to see anyone, but I want her to see you. Let me go talk to her.” Stella nodded and Francis went back to their bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed next to Adrian who had sat up and was just staring at the wall looking almost catatonic and Francis decided she liked the crying better. “Honey, it’s Stella. She really wants to see you.”

            “Stella’s here?” Adrian’s features seemed to shift immediately, as if the weight of the world had suddenly got lighter, and Francis guessed she should have been jealous but she wasn’t, she was just relieved.

            “You want her to come back here?” Francis asked as if Adrian had already said she wanted to see her.

            “Yeah.” Francis started to leave but Adrain snagged her hand. Francis turned to face her. “You called her, didn’t you?” Francis nodded. “God, Francis, I forgot all about Stella. Thank you, for everything.”

            “I haven’t done anything except mostly feel insanely helpless and in the way,” Francis said, and fought her own tears.

            “You could never be in the way.” Adrian released her hand.

“I’m going to make you something to eat.” And then Francis went in the other room to get Stella. She just nodded and went in the kitchen to try and make Adrian something that she might eat.

Stella found Adrian sitting up on the edge of her bed wrapped in blankets. She just looked like all the life had been drained out of her. She started to try to spit out some words of wisdom, but seeing Adrian just made her think about Marcella, and she found herself just dropping to her knees infront of Adrian and then Adrian was holding her and she was holding Adrian and they were just crying over the loss of their friend.

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