~August 6th 2000~
I had Lucky for 17 wonderful years. The poem I wrote is not all that I wish to say to her, but it is all I can write for now. It has been almost one month since she died and I miss her so much still. Everyday I cry for her, and it hurts so much that she is gone.
It has taken me this long to build her this web page because I knew it would hurt a lot. And it does.
Lucky had a most wonderful life. She was my best friend, and she loved me more then anyone. It was unconditional love.
I remember the day when I got her. My Mom brought her home for me, from the neighbours next door.
I remember her soft bunny like kitten fur, and her meowing. She was so sweet and small.
I remember playing dress up with her, hehe I put her in my doll cloths and we would go for walks in the stroller. She did not like it to much, but she stayed anyway.
I would walk to the store, and she would follow me like a dog, she did this only once, as I didn't like her out of the house to often.
I was 8 years old when I got Lucky, and I am 25 years old now.
My Teenage years are a sort of blur, but I know she must have missed me when I went out on my gallivanting days. But she was always there. Sleeping beside me, hugging me, kissing me and signing for me.
I love her with all of my heart. I have many great memories that I am now starting to remember. This Month has been so hard on me. I have always wondered if I had done the right thing.
You see Lucky had Heart disease Kidney Disease, and her Liver was failing on her as well. I was the only person who could make the decision to help her on her way. And It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My family was very supportive, but I needed to hear it from them. "It is okay to say good-bye now, it is okay"
This is all I needed to hear. I had to be sure that I was doing the right thing.
in my depression, I have sometimes regretted it, but deep down inside of me I new she was not going to get better. And I had to say good-bye.
I will never say bye to her completely, she is always with me.
I am going to get a locket with her pictures in it, and I am going to wear it all the time. I decided to keep her ashes, and I have a lock of her fur in a picture frame as well.
I remember her smell, and how she feels to me always, and I will remember how much she loved me. It was the greatest feeling in the whole world. I cherish her love every day.
I have to mention the Doctors at Lucky's Vet clinic, Exclusively Cats in Winnipeg.
Dr. Dorval who helped me care for Lucky this past year. I don't know what I would have done with out her comfort and care. She really is a fantastic Vet, and I am glad I found her.
In January I changed vet hospitals to Exclusively Cats Veterinarian Clinic .
All the Doctors are wonderful. I love that vet clinic very much. They have a very caring attitude, that is brought out in the way you are treated and your cats.
~August 15th 2000~
It has been 1 month since Lucky has passed on, the pain has not gotten any better, and I still miss her every minute of every day. My loving Husband has bought me a book that I was asking for "When Only The Love Remains" by: Emily Stuparyk
I have only read half of it so far. It was quite hard to read at first, but I am getting through it most nights without crying now. I have pictures of Lucky all over the apartment, I need one in the computer room I have decided today.
Do others who have lost their companions still see them some times? I feel that I see Lucky walking in the hall way, or sleeping at the corner end of my bed some times.
Or I think that if I turn around there she will be, waiting for me to pet her or give her the cuddle we both desperately need.
My husband and I moved apartments on July 22nd and I so desperately did not want to leave my old place. It had all my memories of Lucky. It had her favourite places, and it had her smell. I wish I was still at the old place.
I can close my eyes and bring myself back to the moments when I was with her. I take a big breath in and smell her, I remember what she smells like.
This Month has not been very kind to me, I see my depression come out in anger sometimes, as I find it hard to communicate with my Husband about simple things. It has been getting better the last week or two, but I have been taking out my anger on him.
He truly has been a rock for me in this time, and I could not thank him enough, he truly has been there for me.
Thank you to everyone who has visited Lucky's page, and who has signed her guest book. Many good wishes to all of you, and many purrs and headbutts from Lucky. My Sweet Angel.
~October 15th~
I have not written in the journal for two months now. I am not sure why. I know it is not because I have forgotten to, because I know I haven't.
I was very angry a few weeks ago. My Husband crashed our computer and we lost all of the last pictures taken of Lucky before she died. We took the pictures with our digital camera, and I had not added them to her site. But maybe this was a good thing, I am not sure. The pictures of her were when she was looking very ill, so maybe this was a good thing. I am not sure. But the one picture we did get of her on the 11th of July was a nice one, this one was taken with our regular camera. Thank you! I say for letting me have this picture. Unfortunately it is how I remember her, and I am trying still after 3 months to remember the good times. But it is very hard.
I don't have much privacy right now in my house, so it is hard for me to write much more. I like to write in private it helps me think a lot better and to write what I am really feeling.
I tried to join the Pet Loss Support Group here in the city. But they do not have enough people interested to have a group yet. There has to be at least 3 people. And they don't have 3 people, so I am waiting for a phone call. I need this group, and I need to hear the phone ring very soon. Hopefully it will.
~November 19 2000~
I have added a few more pictures of Lucky to the site today. And I also added a picture of her Urn to the poem page. We have a digital Camera, which I love. So I finally got around to doing this.
I still miss Lucky so very much, I find it so comforting to come and visit her pages, and see her beautiful face, and body on this web site. I miss her so very much still, and I honestly think it will never go away for as long as I live. She truly is the love of my life.
I went to a Pet Loss Support group last week. And I don't think it is for me really. I was maybe hoping for something a little diffrent. I really don't want to dwell on the pain, and I need something that will help me to remember Lucky, not moren her. I need to start to remember the good times, and think of her as a healthy girl, not sick as she was when she died. Maybe one day I will get there soon, on my own. I am not sure how or when but hopefully I will. I really do want to remember her when she was well, but she was so sick for so long that I find it hard to some times.
Danny will mention Lucky once in a while, and it is really nice to have her mentioned, I know he misses her too.
~December 1st 2000~
I have been wanting to work on some poems to write for lucky, about Lucky. But I know that I will get very upset doing this. So I am waiting for a time when I can be alone with my thoughts and not have anyone around to bother me. I read a book on pet loss that I got from the Library. It did help me a lot, especially about loosing a pet to euthanasia. I still find the guilt very hard to deal with, but this book helped me to see that I probably did Lucky a favour in helping her on her way. She would have held on for her life as long as she could have, and it would have made her suffer even more. I just wish I could have had a sign, or maybe I did but I don't see it yet. I want to see that sign that it was okay to make the decision for her. She gave so much to me, and I just wish I could have given her more.
Reggie has taken on the 'I love Mom, and she is mine and only mine!' roll. He sure has been a wonderful friend to me and has shown me how much a cat can love. All of my cats are special to me, but Reggie really has a lot of love for me just like Lucky did. And as I believe, still does. She is my love who I miss so very much still. I cry still, and I sit here wondering if this is normal. I believe that most people get over their pets soon after death, but maybe I am one of those few who never will. I miss her too much too ever think I could.
