This month Mel tests it out on fine wine!

It's the most wonderful time of the year. Yes - carol singers, mulled wine, mistletoe and of course the opportunity to get banged on the photocopier at the office party. The office Christmas party is potentially one of the most shaggable occasions of the year, it has even been known for us Rennae fans to score! As soon as the party is under way, it is advisable to drink copious amounts of wine to ensure that just about everyone in the room looks attractive. That way, you're leaving your options open to shag the majority of the room. Steer clear of any pungent party food - onions and garlic are definite no-nos, so avoid at all costs

Merlot: 1970 Chateau L'can't believe it's not piss
Price: 85 quid
Description: Chateau L'can't believe it's not piss, makes use of a different blend of grapes to produce a powerfully wine that has since matured into a soft, delicate beauty.
Mel's verdict: How much? Bloody hell, that's a month's shopping at Lidl for me and my boyfriend. And it's out of date.
RATING **

Chardonnay : 1998 Council Estate Road, Cleethorpes
Price: 3 quid 49p
Description: A medium-bodied Chardonnay that delivers a nice dollop of ripe mango/pineapple fruit and a kiss of toasty oak.
Mel's verdict: Oak? I thought I was testing wine, not wood. This is more in my price range, although you could have two bottles of Lambrini for one of these.
RATINGS ***

Pinot Noir: 1997 Cambria Pinot Noir, Julia's Damp Valley,
Price: 15 quid
Description: A supple, velvety Pinot Noir with flavours of ripe cherry, herb and new oak. This style of Pinot works very well with a broad range of dishes and fishes.
Mel's verdict: I particularly recommend this fruity little number with toast toppers, fish fingers and crispy pancakes.
RATING **

Rotari Brutos, Farte Italiana, Trento Aqua
Price: 7 quid
Description: This Italian bubbly is bursting with the lively fruit flavours of Fuji apples, Asian pears, and melons, well integrated into a soft mouth feel with a long clean finish.
Mel's verdict: Oooh, it's like Asti Spumanti this one. Very classy. And it doubles up as an aftershave.
RATING ****

1998 Del pubis fishi mufo stucco en la toothy d'Asti, Italy
Price: 8 quid 58p
Description: Delicately sweet and delightfully "frizzante" (bubbly), Toothy d'Asti is among the most seductive northern Italian whites. Its naturally low alcohol (only 5.5%) makes this one a great afternoon aperitif, too.
Mel's verdict: Pointless. You can't get wrecked on this piss. It shouldn't be allowed. I've found better use for it! Cleaning the pebble dashed rim of our bog after my boyfriend has had a Vindaloo, fairly f***king hot!!!
RATING **

NEXT MONTH MEL TESTS OUT VIBRATORS