We don’t think before we spew out emotional garbage
onto our spouse.
Feelings are great for expressing our selves but if we
use destructive feelings to abuse or otherwise keep us from finding a
solution to our marital issues then feelings become a problem.
If we use impulsive and reckless feelings to dictate
how we will treat our spouse it can become the way we decide to deal with
all marital issues until it becomes a habitual way of behaving.
If we let our feelings determine how we will love, we
certainly won’t be able to deal with issues appropriately. Unfortunately,
many marriages are like this; couples literally feed off of the feelings
of each other. But in reality destructive feelings starve the
marriage of
nutrients.
For instance, your partner’s reaction to your reaction
might trigger off a certain set of thoughtless feelings that have been
played out before, but the issue never gets resolved, therefore it gets
put on the backburner with all the rest of the garbage that didn’t get fed
properly.
It takes spiritual effort on both sides to have an
almost idyllic marriage we read about in storybooks. It takes spiritual
effort to stay married! Instead of looking for reasons to leave the
marriage, we can learn to detach with love, which takes the spiritual
resolve that I am talking about.
There is a difference between just detaching from our
spouse and detaching WITH
LOVE. Detaching with angry feelings and not
caring about our spouse is detaching inappropriately. This is NOT the kind
of detachment I’m talking about.
Detaching with love is considering our spouses feelings
and accepting who they are. Sometimes it is just better to give up and
give in rather than get in a messy and heated argument that isn’t going
anywhere anyway. It is at these times we can detach from our partner with
love.
When we do this we come away feeling better emotionally
and spiritually.
Detaching with love means to turn the other cheek. For
instance if your spouse is not doing anything hostile to you or the
marriage, often times turning the other cheek is the better way to go.
Detaching in this way becomes a learned way of behavior, which is far
better for your psyche. Instead of being the antagonist we have been we
can learn to be more accepting, caring and loving.
When you humble your self and turn the other cheek you
will feel so much better about your self and about your spouse. Being
humble and kind is not as hard as it seems. Especially when we see for our
selves the positive results it will bring into the marriage!
Detaching with love is being humble, forgiving, and
accepting. Demonstrating all of these wonderful character traits is being
loving towards the person we married. But in a heated battle with our
spouse, angry words delete all of those traits from our mind and the angry
words end up controlling our behavior.
Remember, take it one day at a time, and don’t look at
it as if you have to be all of these things right now this minute. Just
knowing when you might be using destructive feelings when dealing with
marital issues is a big start to trying to be humble and kind through
proper expression of self.
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing
with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the
Spirit through the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:2-3
No marriage is ever perfect here on earth; it just
isn’t going to happen. But we can certainly enjoy the spouse we are
married to by putting forth a little bit more effort. We must learn to
accept our spouse and love our spouse in spite of their faults if we want
to be satisfied in our marriage.
When we see faults in our spouse that is when we should
be gentle and kind and patient like scripture above says. Does you
spouse’s actions or personality sometimes annoy you? Rather then dwelling
on your spouse’s weakness or looking for faults, detach with love.
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