By Spooky Barry
With Venus approaching Jupiter, you must quickly realise that all hope is lost and your ship is sinking faster than a sinking thing thats sinking too fast. You're doomed. If this wasnt bad enough, your dogs going to die too.
In August, you will be approached by a tall dark stranger who will relieve you of your mobile phone, money and various bits of bling. Avoid tall dark strangers at all costs. Infact, avoid all people you know cos everyone hates you anyway.
You're broke, you're ugly and you're smelly.....things seem like they can't get any worse don't they, but by mid September your house will be broken into and you will be X-Boxless-less and you will find out the contents insurance lapsed in July cos you were too "busy" in chatrooms to notice.
AS Jupiter eclipses Mars, things finally seem to be going your way....you win the lottery, you meet the person of your dreams and you......oh wait, this is the horoscope for someone else who paid money to read it in an expensive magazine. You're just going to be as poor and loveless as always! HAHAHAHA.....etc.
Your face is your fortune......you're broke.
With the blazing August sun high in the sky, you find yourself sitting and crying, wondering why you're not out there with all the other "go-getters".....simple, its because you're stupid and smelly and no one likes you. Listen to that "radio" in your head, take heed of the voices....."KILL KILL KILL!"
