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| Your Horoscope for 2005 By Spooky Barry |
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| September 23 - October 22 At the end of November, the phone call you've been expecting finally comes. Your house is being reposessed, the bailiffs are going to take your PC for non payment of fines and your mum is going to disown you, but take heart in the fact that Jesus loves you, cos no fucker else does, Oh....and your dogs going to die. |
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| November 22 - December 21 Oh dear.....the stars really haven't been in your favour recently, have they? Never mind, you're destined for better things by October, when Libra mounts Pluto and the charges against you for goat buggery are dropped. However....the neighbours are still going to hate you, but don't be disheartened....your internet friends still love you. |
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| October 23 - November 21 Throw caution to the wind in August and follow your dreams of actually getting off your arse and doing something with your life, instead of watching old re-runs on TV. But beware of the red Fiesta.....with the yellow go faster stripes thats about to cruelly take your independance and dignity in one fell swoop, leaving you a vegetable, utterly reliable on others for everything you need.....on the way the the job centre. |
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| December 22 - January 19 Poor you.......poor poor you. I'm really going to miss you. Never mind, at least your dogs going to outlive you in the terrible disaster that awaits you and......NO! I've said enough! |
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| January 20 - February 18 Doom, gloom and a sense of hopelessness has dogged you all year, and I can't see anything better for you cos you're spotty, smelly and useless and even your fleas hate you. Go and become a pissy tramp and feel like you finally have purpose again. |
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| February 19 - March 20 The sense of well being and will to live finally escapes you in December and you will savagely kill and maim all your immediate family in a White Lightening cider frenzy, but take consolation in the knowledge that prison Christmas dinners really aren't as bad as being bum raped in the showers by the wings "Big Daddy". |
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