Humour cont...

Al Gore's Concession Speech;
lst Draft; Good Evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in World Court seeking to over turn the Florida elect.... crumple, crumple, crumple.
2nd Draft; Good evening, my fellow Americans; Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote.... crumple, crumple, crumple.
3rd Draft; Good Evening Everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shaf.... crumple, crumple, crumple.
4th Draft; Good Evening my fellow Americans; Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of "loser".... crumple, crumple, crumple.
5th Draft; I can't do this. I just can't do this.... crumple, crumple, crumple.
6th Draft; Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Buhh...Bbb...bahoo. (nervous laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKIN' CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS! crumple, crumple, crumple.
7th Draft; My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate.... crumple, crumple, crumple.
8th Draft; Good Evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called "stealing," and in America stealing is a cri.... crumple, crumple, crumple.
9th Draft; My fellow Americans; most of you probably know how to count. One, Two, three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida.... crumple, crumple, crumple.
10th Draft; Good evening Everyone. Generally speaking Civil War is never a good thing. But there are times...ah, forget it.
In the spirit of goodwill and to show there were no hard feelings, President-elect Bush announced he would appoint Al Gore as Ambassador to Chad.

Men Get Even
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does. But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
"WHAT!?" says her husband.
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide.He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each. The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn't care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet.
The husband says "You don't even play tennis, but if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says to her husband, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cashier."
The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
The wife's face goes blank. "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says,
"You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

Crazy Sex Laws
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder which head?)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam!)