Humour cont...

RULES GUYS WISH WOMEN KNEW
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. You have enough clothes.
9. You have too many shoes
10. Crying is blackmail
11. Ask for what you want, subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptably answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Don't rub the lamp if you won't want the genie to come out.
21. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
22. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their rights to complain about having their boobs stared at. 24. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning.

Bad joke - this is an APALLINGLY bad joke...but I like it
There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering around for several days without food and water, and are resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration. As they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw close, they can hear the stallholders' cries and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.

So the Legionnaires rush up to the first stall they see and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been traveling in the desert for many days, and have no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied; "I'm sorry, French Legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The Legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stall holder; "Mr Purveyor of Fine Foodstuffs and the like, we have been traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarrassed and confessed; "Gentleman, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me. All I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top there, he said pointing out the glace cherry. I cannot help you."

The Legionnaires look at each other in desperation and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder; "Look mate (cos they'd stopped talking funny) we need water or we'll die. We've been traveling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed; "Sorry fellas, all I have to sell to you is this bowl full of jelly, with custard and cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The Legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them and thus save their lives. But each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was bowls of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the Legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said: "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."

The other turned to face his companion and replied; "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar"

More Jokes
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."

A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her too."

That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said,"Will you please serve the turkey?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!"

It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino
Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!

The Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

Inflight announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...

" Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

Los Angelas Math Quiz
LOS ANGELES HIGH MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM NAME: ____________________
GANG NAME:____________________ TAG: ____________________ HOOD: ____________________
1). Little Jimmy has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?
2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?
4) Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. how many ounces will he need?
5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6) Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?
7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?
10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

Sunscreen Star Wars
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '79: Watch Star Wars.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Star Wars would be it. The long-term benefits of Star Wars have been proved by critics, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering rebel experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of the force. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of the force until you've turned to the dark side.

But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at holographic photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are not as fat as Jabba the Hut. Don't worry about the future of the Rebellion. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to destroy a death star by chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that eat you in a hole on some idle asteroid.

Do one thing every day that scares C3PO.

Celebrate with Ewoks. Don't be reckless with other people's Wookies. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Blow up Alderaan.

Don't waste your time on bounty hunters. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with Boba Fett. Remember advice from dead wise people you receive. Forget the invitations from Darth Vader. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old X-wing. Sell your old speeder. Avoid tractor beams.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with the force. The most interesting Jedis I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with the force. Some of the most interesting 400-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of carbon scoring. Be kind to your hands. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll rescue Leia, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll like Ewoks, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll become a hermit at 40, maybe you'll get the Millennium Falcon on your 75th wedding annversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half-destiny. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your light saber. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest weapon you'll ever own. Use the force, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Listen to Obi-Wan, even if you don't follow him.

Do not read sci-fi magazines. They will only make you feel geeky. Get to know your aunt and uncle. You never know when they'll be killed by stormtroopers. Be nice to your droids. They're your best link to the past and the most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that Jedis come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in hyperspace and Imperial entanglements, because the older you get, the more you need the Jedis who knew you when you were young.

Live on Tatooine once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Cloud City once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: the Empire will rise. Jawas will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, smuggling prices were reasonable, ambassadors were noble, and children destroyed their fathers.

Destroy your father.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a freighter captain. Maybe you'll have a Jedi master. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your R2 unit or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. Be careful whose droid you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Negotiation is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the droid from the garbage compactor, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on Star Wars.

Stick Fight!
If this link is still active, fans of the martial arts will enjoy this fun take on the Hong Kong action movie.