Humour cont...

Parential Humour... by Alfred 10/31/00
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Way!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God (wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants). A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh, " Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno" Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?... by Alfred 10/27/00
VICE PRESIDENT GORE: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.
GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH: I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.
SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.
SECRETARY CHENEY: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.
RALPH NADER: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it - the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
GEORGE BUSH: I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

Men & Women - The Truth is out - 09/21/00
Revenge for the blokes
WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN
Because they don't come very often but when they do come, they make a hell of a noise and when they go, they take half your house with them.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR WIFE & YOUR JOB? After 5 years your job still sucks.
WHY DID GOD CREATE LESBIANS? So feminists couldn't breed.
WHY CAN'T YOU TRUST WOMEN? How can you trust something that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don't have bollocks.
WHY DO WOMEN WEAR MAKE UP & PERFUME? Because they're ugly and they smell.
WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. WHY DID CAVEMEN DRAG THEIR WOMEN AROUND BY THE HAIR?
If they dragged them around by their feet, they'd fill up with dirt.
WHAT 'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOUR BONUS AND YOUR DICK?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.
WHY ARE WIVES LIKE CONDOMS?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.
WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A WOMAN IS PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN? Marriage.
WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLE FOR? It's Braille for "Suck Here"
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN WITH PMS & A ROTTWEILER? Lipstick.
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO FIX A VACUUM CLEANER?
Why should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing.
WHY ARE WOMEN LIKE SCREEN DOORS? Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
WHAT IS A WIFE? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TITS? So men will talk to them
Revenge for the ladies - Hey, its a two way street on this site!
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Cement. After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lawn Mowers. If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Noodles. They're always in hot water, they lack taste and they need dough.
Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
Men are like.....Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he'll last.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Van Joke - 09/21/00
Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's Metro van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "OK fat boy, whip me, whip me!" Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are star-fling to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor, The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks Did you get these marks having sex?" Fiona a little embarrassed that she has slept with Steve, let alone that she allowed the kinky bastard to whip her, but eventually admits that, yes, she did, Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, 'I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

Role Reversal - 09/21/00 supplied by Alfred

Yes, its true people can be this stupid - 08/29/00 by Alfred
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. (Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.)
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up".
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said! "
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband! "
7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

Labels on Consumer Goods
Actual Label Instructions on consumer goods;
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (really?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure???Let's experiment.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction incidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Doctor, Doctor
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome" is it common?"
"It's not unusual"
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well I can clearty see you're nuts' *************************************************************************
Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.
"What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
"Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head" replies the Dcc.
How the bloody hell will that help ?
"Easy", replies the Doc, 'Next time you have a shit it will come out a treat
*************************************************************************
Same man goes to his GP a couple of weeks later.
"Doctor. I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse", he says.
"I've got some cream for that', replies the Doc.