Humour

This is not Games Workshop based humour although much of it was gleaned from emails when I was working there. If you have any funny stories or jokes you want to share email [email protected] and I will post them on this page.

Which Race Should You Play? By Gamera - 09/03/00
The following questionnaire is designed to help you decide what race you should play in Warhammer 40K. Just keep track of your answers and consult the chart at the end.

1. Someone is shooting at you. Quick, what do you do?
A. Charge at your opponent, screaming "Waaaaghhh!!!"
B. Hide behind a big tank
C. Die horribly
D. Laugh as the bullets bounce off of your powered armor
E. Whatever the Hive Mind tells you to
F. Ponce about like a fairy saying "oh my, oh my, oh my goodness!"

2. What would you rather wear?
A. Human Skulls
B. Spikes
C. Wolf Mail
D. Nothing
E. A trench coat and Siberian hat
F. A stupid pointy helmet

3. What do you eat for lunch?
A. 'Oomies
B. Souls
C. I don't have to eat
D. Everything
E. Standard 'C' Rations
F. Lo-fat yogurt, a sprout pita with falafel, and an espresso.

4. Where do you hang out during the weekend?
A. An Imperial shrine
B. The gas station
C. Mistress Pain's Dungeon of Domination
D. The 7th circle of Hell
E. Wherever the Hive Mind tells me to
F. The YMCA 5.

Your favorite song is
A. The tortured cries of the damned
B. The Astronamican's unearthly wail
C. Modem static
D. Anything by GWAR!!!!!!
E. "Let us Remember, Comrades" by the Soviet Army Chorus and Band
F. YMCA by the Village People

6. When painting a tank, the most important question to ask yourself is:
A. Do its sigils invoke the dark powers of the Blood God?
B. Is it properly camouflaged?
C. Does it have enough skulls on it?
D. Tanks are for pansies
E. Should I paint it red to make it go fasta?
F. Does it go with that cute new top I just bought?

7. Which of the following had/has the coolest uniforms?
A. GWAR!!!!
B. The Roman Legions
C. The San Diego Chargers
D. Bellhops
E. Dominatrixes
F. The Mummers

8. What animal would you like to have as a pet?
A. A Doberman Pincer trained to run underneath tanks and explode
B. A hellspawn with more teeth than brain cells
C. A Death-Bat with fangs, claws, stingers, venom, carapace plating, infrared vision, power windows, and ass grenades
D. A little green midget
E. A wolf. From space.
F. A French poodle.

9. Who would you rather be stuck on a romantic desert island with?
A. The Emperor
B. One of those hot Sisters of Battle
C. Blood
D. I don't care, I'd just eat it anyway
E. One helpless prisoner, a supply of electricity, and a dentistry kit
F. Richard Simmons

Answer Key- If you answered F to any of these, you should play the Eldar. Otherwise, it's pretty much up to you.

An Abridged Phantom Menace - 08/25/00
For when a warrior fights, with honesty, courage and humility, then surely he knows no fear and he will succeed. STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT FADE IN:
INT. SPACESHIP LIAM NEESON It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation. EWAN MCGREGOR I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK EVIL ALIEN Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.
INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI A droid enters.
LIAM NEESON I sense a disturbance in the force.
EWAN MCGREGOR Well, shit.
Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside.
EXT. NABOO They run until they smack into some more CGI.
JAR JAR Who might you be?
LIAM NEESON (staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him) I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland.
JAR JAR I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come.
Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough.
JAR JAR (cont^-d) Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday? EWAN MCGREGOR (staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to.
JAR JAR Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.
AUDIENCE Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.
INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.
NATALIE PORTMAN I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.
EVIL ALIEN I'm so sorry, Amidala.
NATALIE PORTMAN No, no, I'm Padme now.
EVIL ALIEN I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.
NATALIE PORTMAN No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help you figure this out.
EVIL ALIEN Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone! LIAM and EWAN and JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine.
INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE
JAKE LLOYD Hi there! Golly I'm cute.
NATALIE PORTMAN You certainly are, little boy.
JAKE LLOYD Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone you in episode two?
LIAM NEESON Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you.
JAKE'S MOM No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt. (pause) Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.
They pod race. It looks really COOL.
GEORGE LUCAS (attempting subtlety) Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in episode 2.
JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.
AUDIENCE He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?
GEORGE LUCAS Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass? They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.
INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL
LIAM NEESON I want to train this boy.
YODA Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are.
LIAM NEESON Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training him.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the fuck is wrong with you, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin bad ass in the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.
LIAM NEESON I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there. He exits.
INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING
IAN MCDIARMID Damn I'm evil.
Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi,
but CLEVER.
EXT. NABOO
NATALIE PORTMAN I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy.
BOSS NASS One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless?
NATALIE PORTMAN No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures.
They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?
Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL. Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don't care. Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die. Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space-battle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit. INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.
AUDIENCE Whoa! This is really cool!
Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one.
DARTH MAUL (menacing as hell) Grrr.
Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, (the only time in the history of Star Wars that a Jedi has ever used a thrust druing a light saber battle) which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life.
EWAN MCGREGOR Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass.
DARTH MAUL (cont^-d) Muahahahaha.
Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.
EXT. SPACE
JAKE LLOYD Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so cute.
JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to SHIT. JAKE LLOYD (cont^-d) Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo!
They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident.
EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues. AUDIENCE Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray!
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created.
GEORGE LUCAS Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys!
END

Soap Opera - 08/20/00
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid-I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize Ihave 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 > stack of 2. - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

Sheep - 08/20/00
An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a bloody liar!"

The Frog Joke - 08/20/00
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from the teller's nameplate that her name is "Patricia Whack". So he says:" Ms.Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that$30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant saying. "I mean,what the heck is this?"

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Lonely heart - 08/20/00
A tall well-built woman with good reputation,
who can cook frogs legs,
who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 & 5.