11/3/01
I'm really looking forward to my appointment Monday. I just wish I knew for sure if he will do the surgery. I wish it could be done before Christmas but I know it will most likely be the middle of January. I want to be on my journey. When I think of the anesthesiologist telling me I could die, that scares me, but they tell everyone going into surgery that that's a possibility. I'm already worried about the seats.... will they have seats big enough. I would imagine with lots of large patients they would have thought of that. I could call Paula or Shana and ask them.
11/5/01
I'm in Dr. Hutchers' office now. I wish this was over and I had a surgery date. I just want to know for sure he will do it. There are seats big enough for me. That's nice. I won't be stressed out coming here each time.
11/8/01
I'm so grateful. He said he sees no problem. And Terrell got the job so I am relieved about that, so now I hope I will get back to normal. After surgery I'm going to be able to get in and out a car, any car, with no problem. I will always be able to buckle my seatbelt. No more humiliation. No more panicking when I get to a turnstile.
11/9/01
I want to be able to work a whole shift with not one person looking at me in the face and then dropping their eyes to my stomach.
11/11/01
After surgery, after I lose, I won't be so sensitive about my weight that I let it convince me that people are out to humiliate me. I won't let it dictate where I go and where I don't go.
11/12/01
Ha!!!!! I realized yesterday that next year I will be able to go up on Jockeys' Ridge. Whoooooooppppppppiiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! LOL. I won't have to worry about seat belts not fitting. I could go on an airplane if I want. I won't have to worry about classes, having to find another chair.
11/15/01
Well, Paula got word in only a week that her surgery was approved. I was hoping that I'd be as lucky. But it's been 10 days now. I'm getting antsy. I know most of the people in the support groups have to wait months, and some even years. But I was led to believe it would go faster with Trigon. I can't help it. I still worry that I won't get to have the surgery. At Angels' today I kept walking into things, like the sides of doorways. And I noticed the small space around her toilet.It'll be nice not to have to squeeze into small spaces anymore.
11/12/01
It was so humiliating to sit in the chair at Mr. Washington's office today. I couldn't even sit up straight. I had to lean back. It's gonna be so good to not have to do that anymore.
11/21/01
I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and thinks I'm beautiful, even at this weight. I have a son who, even though he's in a lot of trouble, and hardship right now, he's still trying, he's still in the program. My daughter has MS, but she's still able to take care of herself and my two beautiful grandchildren. She's a wonderful mother, one like I wish I had been. I still have a friendly relationship with my ex-husband, that makes it easier for my kids. I've taken a big step towards bettering my health, my appearance, my self image and my state of mind. I have a job I enjoy. I have insurance which will allow me to have this surgery I want so much. I have some very special, wonderful friends. I'm not homeless. I'm not hungry. I'm not cold. I simply adore my husband and I know that he adores me. He supports me in my journey through this surgery.
11/24/01
I GOT APPROVED!!!!!!! I finally got approved. I got my letter saying that my insurance company approved. So, now I can quit worrying. YES!!!!!!!!!!!
11/26/01
I GOT A DATE!!!!!!! Jan. 25th. Now, I can finally feel like it will really happen. It really is!!!! Ha! I remember baseball shirts. I can wear baseball shirts again!!! And belts!! And socks that stay up. Ones that you can buy in any store.
11/27/01
I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know this is going to happen. I know I'm going to be thin again. I'm going to be with.....my mind just went blank........oh, ha ha, I got it back. LOL. I'm gonna be with Paula at the hospital next Tuesday when she has her surgery. I don't know if seeing her just after surgery is a good idea or not. I don't want her pain to scare me. But I love her and I want to be there for her. I don't want her paleness or the nasal tube to scare me. But, it will give me an idea of what my kids will see and feel so that I can prepare them. I believe I have a great support crew.