Nikki's Thoughts September 2002

Nikki's Thoughts

Thursday 19th September, 2002.

I guess I should start making this page. Well here's a thought. I have some of the best friends in the world. First there's Natasha. What can I say about her? After everything that we've been through together, the fact that we are still friends is quite amazing. Natasha is my best friend in the entire world. Tash makes me feel good even when I'm feeling pretty depressed, which is quite often, although not as often as it used to be. I love you sweetheart and I'll always be here for you.

Then there's Jules. Jules is an absolute sweetheart, someone who has always been there for me. I don't really know what else to say about Jules, except you are way too kind to me honey.

Next, we have Andrew. I was so scared about telling him that I was transsexual. I really thought his reaction was going to be bad. When I told him and he said he is cool with it, I cried, like really cried, well maybe not *really* cried, but tears all the same. Thank you so much Andrew.

Lastly, we have David. I've only recently told David about me, so it's probably too early to know how he really feels, but he already has made the effort to call me Leah, and that can't be a bad thing. Thanks David.

Saturday 28th September, 2002.

Do you want to know what the problem with the world is? I'll tell you. There are too many people who think that they are right. Too many people who think that their morals and values are the right ones. People who are perfectly ready to hurt other people simply because they are different. Take something as simple as sex. Some people enjoy bondage. Some people think bondage is disgusting. The problem is that some people on both sides can't accept that there are people who don't agree with them. There are people out there who mount crusades against other people simply because they don't share the same perversions.

One of my biggest problems with society is the total discrimination of people who identify as g/l/b. You have the fundamentalist Christians who claim that it's a sin and that these people will forever burn in hell, despite the lack of Biblical evidence that it is a sin. In general western society right across the board discriminate against g/l/b people. They can't marry, therefore they have no rights as a partner. This ALL stems from Christianity. Yet there is no proof that God considers g/l/b sins. There is also no proof that God even exists but we don't need to go there. I don't have a problem with Christianity. I have a problem with certain people who call themselves Christians. People who are prepared to kill other people all in the name of God. Maybe I read a different Bible, but if God exists, somehow I don't think He would agree with people killing other people simply because they are different. Take a look at America. Americans constantly claim that their country is the best. Tell that to the thousands of decent Americans killed every day at the hands of other Americans. Tell that to the millions of homosexual couples whose own government that they pay taxes to, tell them that they are second class citizens. I thought every one was supposed to have the same rights. Apparently only straight, white Christians get rights. Everyone else has had to fight just for the right to exist. Some still have to fight for that right. Unfortunately I can't see that simple right being afforded to every single person ever. As long as there are people who simply can't understand that every single person is a complete individual people will still be killed every single day simply because of who they love, who they are.

Bringing this to trans issues, I can't make everyone understand that I'm not fucked in the head. I can't make people understand that I suffer from a birth defect. I can ask that I not be treated like freak simply because I exist. I want people to know that this isn't a choice. I didn't wake up one day and decide just for a laugh that I would have a sex change. I simply AM a girl. It isn't my fault that my body developed the wrong primary and secondary sexual characteristics. I don't particularly want to be a girl anymore than I want to be a boy. Although if I had the choice, I would choose to be a girl. I'm not particularly thrilled by the idea of having surgery or at having to take hormones for most of my life. I'm not particularly thrilled by the fact that some transphobic arsehole could find out and kill me. I'm not thrilled by the fact that the ONLY exposure that the general public get to trans issues are stupid movies that make fun of my serious medical condition. It's not that you can't make jokes about transgenderism. I've seen a few movies that use transgenderism as a joke, but without resorting to insulting the transgendered. Realistically though, do I expect that to ever change? Not really. The general population can't even begin to comprehend the diversity of gender. It's not binary. How can that be so hard to understand? We are all just freaks to them. Worse, we are freaks who choose to be freaks. I am MADE to feel like I'm not even human. How many people can know what this feels like? I can barely look in the mirror because I see him. He doesn't even exist yet he controls me. I want to see me. Most people simply can't understand that. it's not their fault, but most people couldn't care. The one thing that makes me mad about it the most are the psychiatrists and psychologists who attempt to presume anything about transsexualism. How can you know what this feels like if you don't experience it? I believe that I can live as myself. I'm fully aware of the constant bullshit I have to face. What do I want my friends to know? Simply, that I am Leah. I'm not a freak. I just want to be treated as me. I like playing video games, and watching and playing sports. I also like painting my nails, doing my hair, getting emotional (to the point of irrational at times) and talking girl talk with my girl friends. But what difference does any of that make? None of those things are indicative of my gender. I'm just me.

My mother married this guy back in January. She hadn't even known him for very long. He is simply nothing but a jerk. He leaves these little notes laying around. They are particularly offensive. I don't see how he has the right to tell me what to do in any way, shape or form. There is this note TAPED down to the computer desk that basically tells me how I can use the computer. What right does he have to tell me how to use a computer that I've been using for years before he even knew my mother? One of these rules states that I have to ask his permission to use the computer. Like hell I will. There isn't a chance in hell that I'll ask him. Overall I couldn't care less about these rules. I'm moving to my dad's within a week anyway so it doesn't matter. But one of these rules really offends me. "All your porn material must be deleted from this machine immediately." Firstly I don't have any 'porn material' on this computer at all. So I have no idea where that comes from. His assumption that I have porn on here is particularly offensive but what offends me even more is what if I did? Lets say I had 100MB of 'porn material' on here. Why is that any less valid than say 100MB of classical music? It doesn't say delete all your space information, it doesn't say delete all your essays. It doesn't even say delete all your programs that help this computer run as efficently as it does. But what do I expect from a homophobic 'Christian' arsehole. I'm not a violent person but I wouldn't help him if he was choking to death either. My mother has always hated me for some reason I'll probably never know, yet he has made her even worse. It hurts me no end that my own mother considers me to be a problem that needs to be eradicated. Simply, when I move to my dads, I'll never speak to these people ever again. I won't be looking back either.

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