Nikki's Diary October 2002

Nikki's Diary

Monday 7th October, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: Beethoven's 9th Symphony.

Current Mood: Sad and lonely yet strangely excited.

So I still haven't got internet access back, although that's not because I can't afford it. I'm just kinda too lazy to call my ISP and find out a couple of things. That and I was going to wait until I moved in with my dad, but that could still be a few weeks away, well I could move today if I really wanted to, but I wouldn't have access to a computer at all straight away, let alone the internet. I'll have to do something soon though, thanks to the fact that if you don't sign in within 30 days, hotmail disables your account, and I really don't want to lose my emails. Oh yeah, that, and I miss my internet friends so much. I hate the whole having absolutely no idea of what's going on with them. I did go to the post office the other day, but my blouse hadn't arrived yet, which was a disappointment, but my shoes had. They aren't exactly what I had expected but they are still gorgeous. Actually they are a tiny bit big, when I was worried that they would be too small. But they fit and I love them so it's all good.

Instead of using the internet for hours on end like I usually do at night, I've been watching movies on Austar. I'll try and list them here. Midnight 5, Trojan War, Proof of Life, A Clockwork Orange, Boys and Girls, Unbreakable, Scream 3, Space Cowboys, Eye of the Beholder, Scary Movie, Coyote Ugly. I had seen a couple of them before. I'm going to write small reviews for them. I love writing and I love films, so I decided to start with, I'll write reviews.

I'm sad because time is going past and I'm not doing anything. Well nothing useful anyway. I'm stuck in a hole and I'm finding it hard to get out. I like to pretend that it will change when I go to live with my dad, and it will, but not the way I think. Mostly I'll probably still be doing nothing, just living in a different place. It's that same old story. If only I had money, If only I was there, If only, If only, If only. It's just a stupid fact of life in today's world that money does everything. And I have none. What I really need is motivation. One of the problems is that I have no idea of what I want to do with my life. There are so many things I'd love to do, but I don't think I believe in myself enough to do any of them. The first thing I need to do is transition. The sooner the better. Unfortunately my whole existence revolves around transition. Without it, I can't survive. I'll never be truly happy until I'm at least presenting as myself. But then I still will have the problem of not doing anything. I'd really love to travel, people I'd like to meet (hint hint, you know who you are). But I couldn't do that until after transition because once again the general public consider me nothing more than a freak. I'm kind of excited because the next phase of my life seems to be just around the corner. I'm lonely because I have minimal contact with people my own age, well it's not the exact age, but more the in the same phase of life thing. Also people sharing the same experiences. I love my friends, but there is one common thing with them that makes it hard, the fact that they live far away from me. It's just a minor thing, but it makes anything simple such as going to the movies a near impossibility. I don't want to live here, the only thing keeping me here is a lack of money. But where do I want to live? I guess Sydney, but I think I don't want to live in Australia at all. Not because I don't love it, because I do, but because it's so far away from everything. Bleh, I'm rambling now. I think I'll go to bed.

Thursday 10th October, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: Parade - Garbage.

Current Mood: Sleepy and lonely.

This whole moving to my dad's is taking longer than I expected. I was going to wait until I moved there to get internet access back, but it could still be a few weeks, so I'll have to get access this week.

I'm so tired of this. I need to start the rest of my life now! I'm so frigging bored with this repetition week after week. Why aren't there more hours in the day? Sleep takes too long, but if I don't get plenty of sleep then I'm tired, so I can't win.

My headphones are really annoying me. The left speaker is stuffed, so you have to move the cord around just so sound will come out of it. Even then if you barely touch it, it stuffs again. Also my stereo is stuffed too. I have this stereo where I run a cable from my discman into it, but I have to jiggle the cable around so it works properly. Hmmm, I think I need a new stereo and headphones.

Don't you hate it when you see someone and you can't figure out if they are someone you know? Even worse when you think they are your cousin. I saw someone yesterday who I'm pretty sure is my cousin. Well at least someone who looks pretty close anyway. I hadn't seen her in, I dunno, about 18 - 24 months. I think she would be about 18 years old now. Anyway, I was too useless to ask if it was her. Oh well. She is a cousin on my dad's side, which is good, I'll probably see more of her soon. Another one of my cousins is engaged. She is a year younger than I am. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend, let alone getting married. I really have to find these things out sooner.

I'm so bored. I need the internet back! I use it to keep in contact with the majority of my friends. So I haven't spoken to any of them since about the 23rd of September. I miss them so much. I have to remember to call my ISP today! I forgot the last time I was going to do it. If I call them today, find out a few things, then at the earliest I would be back on the net around monday or tuesday. Possibly tomorrow, but I doubt it. Depends on what my ISP have to say.

It's been about 6 weeks since I told my friend about me. I can't believe it's been that long already. Although of course, the last 2 or 3 weeks I haven't used the internet so I guess that's where most of the time has gone.

There you go, another day's senseless ramblings. I'm off to bed.

Saturday 12th October, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: Androgyny - Garbage.

Current Mood: Annoyed.

I called my ISP and figured out what I'm going to do, so now I just have to do it. So I'll probably have internet access back by about wednesday.

I was flicking through the channels earlier and jerry springer was about to start, and I guessed that the topic would have something to do with transsexuals, and I was right. Well none of the stories really had anything to do with transsexuals, some of the people just happened to be transsexuals. I'll write more about this in my thoughts page, so go check it out.

I saw Miss Congeniality with Sandra Bullock yesterday. I thought overall it was a pretty good film. Despite the fact that I'm supposed to believe that Sandra Bullock isn't attractive before she goes in the 'scholarship program'. See the film to find out what that is ;)

Sunday 13th October, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: A.D.I.D.A.S. - Korn.

Current Mood: Bored.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find Kirsten Dunst to be incredibly adorable? I'm going to go watch Drop Dead Gorgeous now. Kirsten's accent in that movie makes me melt.

Monday 14th October, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana.

Current Mood: Bored as usual.

I was going through some of my files and I found this video clip. I can't remember exactly where I got it from. I think it's from PlanetOut. It deals with glbt discrimination in schools. I downloaded it because in it was Danielle Gomez from the 'Mom, I need to be a girl' book. If you haven't read that story then go do it right now. Her story is amazing. Anyway if I can find a link to the clip, I'll put it up here, that's if a link still exists.

Thursday 17th October, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: Say What? - 28 Days.

Current Mood: Angry.

I called my ISP to have my account reactivated, but they didn't believe that I am Leah, so they won't activate it. It's not that big a deal; I have to put more money in my bank account because they have an extra fee that I didn't know about. Next time I call them, I'm just going to say that I'm Leah (which I am) and if they won't activate my account, then I'll take my business elsewhere. The problem is that my bank account is in my male name, so I don't think they will do it. Just one of the many reasons I hate dealing with people, especially so called customer service. I'll probably just get another prepaid card and start a new account. That way I won't have to deal with people who can't understand the concept of a name change. Between them and my bank charging me hidden fees, I'm about ready to explode.

I bought a new pair of headphones yesterday. My head is too small and they don't sit right. But that's just a minor thing. They are pretty good. I also bought the new 28 Days album. It rocks!

Sunday 27th October, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: Take Me Away - 28 Days.

Current Mood: Good.

I'm back on the internet. I checked my site and it was all screwy. So sorry to anyone who couldn't view my site. I think it's fixed now.

Wednesday 30th October, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: Mascara - Killing Heidi.

Current Mood: Annoyed.

I hate my ISP. Once again I am without internet access. At least this time my bank had nothing to do with it. Hopefully this is just a slight hiccup. A day or two at most. So frustrating.

I have been having these really bad thoughts. Like that I'm going to end up bashed to death. It's been making me feel sick. I've been reading all these articles about transphobia and violence against transgendered people and I'm so scared.

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