Nikki's Diary November 2002

Nikki's Diary

Friday 1st November, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: Fuel My Fire - Prodigy.

Current Mood: Bored.

I fixed up the diary and the thoughts pages today. I put the entries on different pages for different months.

Saturday 2nd November, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: Breathe - Prodigy.

Current Mood: Bored.

I had a dream yesterday where I was back in high school and I was giving a presentation on transsexualism. I didn't tell them that I was transsexual, just that I knew someone who was very close to me that was. I don;t really remember much else than that.

I am so bored! As I am currently without internet access I don't have much to do.

Sunday 3rd November, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex.

Current Mood: Bored.

I was listening to the Spice Girls, yeah that's right, the Spice Girls! Anyway I found a tape in a box of mine and it had their first album on it. It's not that bad really. Nice and cutesy before they went all stupid.

I woke up yesterday and I felt so sick, but now I can't remember if I really did wake up or I was just dreaming, hmmm, I'm pretty sure it wasn't a dream.

Thursday 7th November, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: The Days - Killing Heidi.

Current Mood: Good.

I'm back on the internet again. Yay!

I bought Killing Heidi's new album, Present, yesterday. Damn it rocks! It came with a dvd which has some music videos and a band history.

Wednesday 20th November, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: Pave The Way - Killing Heidi.

Current Mood: Meh!

I chipped my tooth again yesterday. Friggin hell, I'm going to have no tooth left soon. Friggin bastard expensive dentists. At least it doesn't hurt.

I came home crying one day last week. Everything just got to me and all these bad thoughts and crap, so I was crying. I think one of the big things that brought it on was the fact that a certain person who knows all about me, either doesn't understand at all, or just doesn't really care. I seriously doubt this person doesn't care, so that leaves that they just don't understand at all. They have a website, and while good intentioned, and I do appreciate that, it makes me feel like nothing. Basically this person says that I'm a really decent guy. Not once does this person refer to me as female, it's all male pronouns. This is why I think they really don't understand me. Now of course I don't expect them to understand completely, that's just not possible, and even in general conversation I can let male pronouns and my boys name slide, as long as they don't do it too often, but this is their website. This is something that you take some time to type, and edit. If you STILL refer to me as a boy after that, then you are either intentionally hurting me, or you just don't understand how much it hurts. Or simply how wrong it is. Incidentally, no one has called me a perv. At least not because I'm transsexual. ;) LOL. Frankly, I'd rather be called a perv by some moron than called he by someone who is supposed to care about me.

I tried to explain how being called male pronouns hurts me but without saying that they were doing it, I couldn't really get my point across and they even asked me if it was a phase. Which I think is a clear indication of a lack of understanding. Granted, I did say something that was leading to that phrase but still.

You might say, eh big deal, so they call you a guy a few times. Hmmm, yeah you're right. Hell my gender isn't important is it? Bleh! Have someone call you the wrong pronouns for just one day, maybe have them call you by a name usually for the opposite sex. If you think that's bad, try having body features of the other sex as well. Try EVERY SINGLE PERSON calling you this crap EVERY SINGLE DAY of your life. Trust me, it fucking sucks.

I'm not out to everyone that knows me, so obviously I don't expect them to be calling me Leah or a girl. Which is why it means so much more to me that the people who do know, respect me enough to make the effort.

Also they use that woman trapped in a man's body phrase. I don't hate that but I don't use it. I just think it's not very accurate. This is my body. Male or female. It just unfortunately happens to have male primary and secondary sexual characteristics. Not for long though! Ha!

Oh and by the way. I'm not normal. Even leaving aside the normal doesn't exist speech, I am so far from normal it's not funny. But hey, I love who I am, I'm not particularly fond of certain things, but I'm a damn good person. I'd like to think that my friends think that they can count on me. That's what I'm here for.

I guess you are wondering why I don't just say all this to this person. Well, this person is a little stubborn, and if I started saying this, they would probably get all pissed off at me, and I wouldn't get my feelings across. Yeah, it's cowardly this way, but whatever. I'm just venting, if they happen to read this, hopefully they read it all before they decide to do bad things to me. I really care for this person, and truth be told, they intimidate me somewhat, but I believe this person has a good heart, and will at least consider what I've said. Heh, this is even a test to see if they do read this site. Oh well, one can only hope. Oh, one more thing, the person you were talking about, while they probably are homophobic, from what they said, they are heterosexist, not neccessarily homophobic.

I'm so tired. Everything sucks. God I can't even buy moisturiser. Stupid friggin supermarket not having any, well any decent stuff anyway, and I'm not going all over town just to find some moisturiser.

So if you are this particular person, and you know who you are, please look at this from my point of view. While you could never understand exactly how I feel, and I would hope that you never do, please don't ignore what I say. This means pretty much everything to me. To call me a male basically destroys my entire self perception. Hell you might as well call me a kangafuckingroo. It's no less accurate. Hehe, kangafuckingroo. See, it's not like I can't laugh at myself. I just don't like pain.

Saturday 23th November, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: No song at the moment.

Current Mood: Some more Meh!

Hmmm, it always seems to only be a day or two between these entries, yet it's always more.

I'm thinking of changing my name to Katie instead of Leah. I really love the name Katie. I don't want to seem flaky if I keep changing my name though. But I guess, seeing as it will be the name I will probably use for the rest of my life, I better make sure that I like it and it really suits me. I can see how silly it will look if I keep telling my friends a different name though. So I'll look into it and ask opinions and such, before I finally decide. So if you have an opinion on the name Katie, or any of it's variations, e.g. Kate, Kathryn, etc, email me. Or if you have another name altogether. All suggestions are welcome.

Monday 25th November, 2002.

Song I'm listening to right now: Damage Control - Killing Heidi.

Current Mood: In pain!

Goddamn fucking toothaches!! They just appear out of nowhere. This one I have right now is so painful, I'm practically crying. Friggin painkillers don't help either. Owwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!! FUCK!!!!

Is it just me, or does no one ever come on messenger anymore? Where are all my friends? I am so bored and lonely.

August 2002 | September 2002 | October 2002 | November 2002 | December 2002

Main Page

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws