time: 1:44pm
listening to: "oh wendy o" the dayglo abortions

so ya.......i still havent slept......but i figure since its after noon i aut to consider it a new day......sooo......yes i spent all nite reading a girl from calis diary....i have a lot of respect fer her....shes been thru a lot.....i kinda feel like im whining about my life.....but it wont stop me......ill just try to be less annoying.......key word try
anyways im talking to scott rite now....i miss him.....and kat....they were kirks friends but they like me too.....we used to hang out at theyre place (scott and kathy live together) A LOT in the summer.....good times.....miss them.....miss kirk.......scotts hilarious......awww.....missem all......i miss kirk the most......god this is turning into an obsess over kirk site.....and i dont even think about him that much.....just times like now when im tired and lonely and theres things that remind of him.......
but anyway.....my eyes feel like theure gonna bulge outta my head....but i want to talk to scott......havent seen him since just after xmas.....he makes me smile.....its nice to smile...nuff fer now......multitasking is a little too complicated fer the state im in rite now

time: 9:04pm (after bout 4 hrs of sleep)
listening to: "love song" the cure

is fuct how much some songs just say everything......

mirs gone and im all alone and i havent heard from him since tuesday when he crushed my hopes again......sent him an email the other day.....i wanna know how hes doing......if things with marta r really kaput....if hes ok.....
and i know if its not marta its just gonna be some other girl....some other girl thats not me....but i keep hoping that maybe the failure of his other attempts will make him realize that what we had was good altho it did have its problems.....but every relationship does.....its when u stop working on them that things go wrong.....he sez we cant communicate.....but i think he just kinda gave up....xpected everything just to work...everything to be perfect....all the time....and when it wasnt he got disenchanted and miserable....i mean ill admit.....i turned a little crazy....but so did he....he told me i brainwashed him.......i dont think i did.....then at least one of us woulda been happy....i just think he lost himself in it....too much unfamiliar territory and now hes gonna blame me......fuck....and he wont just let it go.....im always going to be "the girl who makes him miserable in a romantic relationship" but thats only cuz thats what he thinx.....if he just let the fact that we were both miserable go and try it again fresh.....with out thinking about how miserable im gonna make him......cuz if thats all hes thinking then ya...hes gonna be miserable......AHHHH!!! i wish i wasnt such a bloody sycho!! i wish i could just drop this whole thing with him.....but at the same time part of doesnt want...dammit dammit dammit....why do i have to have this duality?? why cant all of me just agree?? why cant i just be fucking happy??

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